Wednesday, December 31, 2008

How C and her Mama Spent NYE 2008

We started with this:Blank Canvas
Added some of this:The Paint
Then did This:This is fun!
This:Look at me go!
And This:And back.
Stopped for a bit to play:You've got some laundry to do now.
Came back and added some blue:Blue feet too
And ended up with this:Finished Product

* * * * *

All the best in 2009!

Thursday, December 25, 2008


Happy Holidays everyone!

Sunday, December 21, 2008


So we're listening to the new Ani. I'm tidying up. C is getting into things and pulling things apart. And she is wandering. Every now and then I pick her up and we dance. Or we stand near each other and we dance. She tries to snap her fingers - which is freakin' adorable. Then I go back to the tidying and she goes back to whatever she was getting into. A little while later she comes to me when I am on my hands and knees cleaning the floor in a neglected corner and she puckers up and moves toward my face saying "mmmmmmmm" and plants a big wet kiss on my lips. "MMMmmmuah." She is a kisser and a hugger and a lover. She is spontaneous and in the moment with her love. I can learn a lot from her.

* * * * *

C is getting really good at using things to get to other things. Stools, chairs, grocery boxes can all be used at stepping and climbing devices. Where she has learned this - I do not know. But last night she made her way up on top of the supper table! She was all proud as she looked back at us (us, with horrified looks on our faces). Wish I had the camera.

* * * * *

Oh yeah and there is another molar cutting through.

* * * * *
Enjoy the snow!

Friday, December 19, 2008

An Unexpected Snow Day...

Brings us a morning full of much needed family time.


This is C and her Baba making their way through the neighbourhood. C loves this little sled and hums and sings as it swishes and slides along. She cries in her very 15 month old way when the journey ends and she is back inside.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


I understand the concept of "traditions" more and more.

I am baking holiday cookies. Last year C was 3 months or so and she sat in her bouncy seat between naps and nursing and watched me bake. This year C is under my feet in the kitchen getting into this or that cupboard, spreading pots and pans on the floor, banging things with wooden spoons, etc. This time next year she will be 27 months. Will she help me? Will she chit chat my ear off? Who knows. But I get it. And I had these brilliant little flashbacks to the tiny baby she was - smiling and giggling her very first giggles as the cookies baked and I sang silly songs to her.

So much love.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I Love This Picture


C and her Baba this weekend. C is in a pull-sled. We went to the park to see the lights.


C is 15 months old today.

I am in one of those moods where I want to get stuff cleaned up and cleared out. So A bought some plastic boxes today and I've spent the evening packing up C's old clothes. I have so many memories. I remember when she was swimming in some of these teeny tiny little outfits. I've even packed one of my carriers away- she no longer fits in it and isn't a big fan of being worn now that she can walk. Ohmy the memories.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Visions of TTC Dance in my Head

So we will be TTC baby #2 in 2009. Not sure which month the fun will begin. I am hoping to make an appointment to see the RE in the early part of the year and then go from there.

We have 2 vials of the stuff that made baby C. It would be nice to use the same donor. He fits a lot of what we want in a donor.

2 vials. It took 5 insems to make C, 8 tries total. Do we buy more vials? For awhile there we couldn't buy more vials. He wasn't donating. So the whole do we buy more or not question wasn't relevant. But today I was browsing the bank's site and learned that he is donating again. Hmmmm. So do we buy more or not?

When we started talking about ttc#2 we said we will try our two tries and then we will let it go - we will be done. We know the hell that is ttc. We are starting to forget.

ETA: Nevermind. He is no longer Canadian Compliant.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Nonna B

Not a very good blogger lately. I am knee deep in life with a full time job and a walking baby. Only she isn't really a baby anymore. She's a toddlin' for sure.

Monday we had insulation put in the walls of our almost 80 year old house - apparently there was no insulation in the walls, ever. No wonder we freeze every winter. It is nice and warm now. But there were pink bits of insulation everywhere so I had to take C somewhere while I vacuumed. She want to Nonna B's house (B is A's boss). Nonna B is O's grandma (or Nonna), and O is C's BFF. He is 16 months to her 14 months. They are both new walkers and when they are together they look like a couple of drunks. The two laugh at each other and play. It is sweet to see. C gave O kisses when she left and he giggled. This was C's first time with someone other than her Mama and Baba. When I came back to get her, she was happy to see me, but she didn't want to leave. So she hugged me and kissed me and then turned around and took off after O. I'm glad she did okay - it was hardest on me - I'm thinking though that we will be able to do a dinner and a movie one evening (a date!?) while Nonna B looks after C.

Yesterday I took the day off work because I had only 2 1/2 broken up hours of sleep. C is teething again and feverish and would just not let go. Luckily I could take a sick day - some days are better than others for that. Of course she woke up with so much energy - while A and I were zombies. It did feel luxurious though to have coffee and chit chat at the mall in the middle of the week as a family.

Today is Thursday. She slept through the night. Hopped up on Motrin. I felt inside her mouth - she actually has two molars poking through on the bottom. So there you go.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Houston, We Have a Walker

She is pretty much walking now. And she is adorable.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Taking Her Sweet Time

Yesterday we watched her take her first few steps and then no more since.

Friday, November 7, 2008


Daylight Savings Time has messed things up. Anyone else experiencing odd wake-up times, nap times changing, overtiredness at bed time... all of this and we kind of adjusted things to begin with to account for the change. Oh well.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


As an American living in Canada who did indeed vote, I am pleased with the outcome.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Not Yet Walking

Wow November already.

At what point should I be worried that C is not walking? She will be 14 months in a week. She crawls super fast everywhere, pulls up, cruises, can bring herself to standing without support, but has yet to take a step.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bundled Her Up

So I bundled C up and took her out for a walk in her stroller in the snow. Yes, snow. Welcome to winter in Canada. The walk and the crisp air mellowed her out. I'm thinking we might get a sled and pull her around in it once the snow is really here.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

All Done

We are eating. C starts signing "all done." All done. All done. For some reason it just isn't registering with me. Signing hasn't been consistent. I'm not getting it. I make another spoon of yogurt and I take the spoon to her mouth. All done. All done. She closes her mouth and shakes her head. All done. Finally it registers and I say, "ah you are saying all done - you are done eating!" She smiles. I let her down.

Get with the programme, mama... ha!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Where are your shoes?

This past weekend C got her first pair of shoes. Today I was getting her ready to go out for a walk so I say to her, "Where are your shoes?" She went and got her shoes and brought them to me. She's a smarty pants.

* * * *

When she wants to nurse, she asks by saying, "boom boom?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Short Post

A is sick. I am hoping that C and I don't get what she has.

Friday, October 17, 2008

In All of This

She's had a fever and general crankiness for a day and a half. She sat on the couch for the days leading up to the fever and while she had the fever. She didn't play. She just sat. Yesterday she woke up with her eye a bit pink on one side. Doesn't appear itchy or runny. And she got her play back. Her mood improved. No fever.

In all of this her sleep has been crap. She's been refusing food as well. Added several nursing sessions (ouch) and cut a tooth.

It is hard work being a baby.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My Micah

Two years ago today I lost my first pregnancy. It was a Sunday morning. First time pregnant after almost 3 years of trying. I was 5 1/2 weeks along. A was by my side as I contracted and bled into the toilet.

Some people would say I experienced a chemical pregnancy. Others would say miscarriage. Call it what you want. It was early in the pregnancy. And loss is loss. I still remember it.

I also remember the 5 days of rain that followed - the weather matched me. I did not go to work or get out of bed for those 5 days. It still stings. It was a dark time. Hope was given new meaning. I felt disconnected. I felt like it was all too unfair.

The bleeding actually started at work. I still see those moments - I was panicky, sick, and already mourning (I knew what was coming) - and if I step on the stairs just right, or turn a corner just so, then I am back there. Back at work, seeing the blood, instinctually wanting to be at home.

We named the little one Micah - after his named popped out to both of us in one of those baby name books. We went to the bookstore the evening of the day that the bleeding started - on a Friday night. I wanted to look at one of those week by week pregnancy books, just to see where I was and what the little one looked like.

That day also happened to be National Pregnancy Loss Day.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was carrying a boy - strange as that sounds. [When I found out I was pregnant with C I knew I was carrying a girl - though I wanted to keep an open mind, and wouldn't say so out loud]. I also knew that I would lose him. The numbers did double. But they started out low. I just had a feeling.

In my experience, this kind of loss is deep and profound. I really felt alone and like I had lost a part of myself. But it was deeper and more profound than that. Really there are no words. It is a loss I can still feel in my core.

I also feel that I was meant to carry him - even for that short while. I was meant to, much in the same way I was meant to be C's mama. And as such his life had meaning. Even conceptualising it this way feels odd and new, but right for me.

So, yes, Micah was a gift and I was honoured to hold him, carry him, and be that vessel.

I know he is around. I am thankful to him for humbling me, pushing me to grow, and showing me life.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Fall Colours, Thanksgiving Style


From our big long Thanksgiving walk today.

We have a pumpkin pie in the oven right now. I wish I could take a picture of that lovely smell and post it for you all. MMmmmm.

What are you thankful for?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

In honour of Canadian Thanksgiving, tell me what you are thankful for - blog about it - then let me know you blogged about it.


Sunday, October 12, 2008


She has 6 teeth. She was up in the night 3 times. This morning she points to her teeth and says, "yeeeooooowww." Teething? I'm thinking so. Poor biscuit. She has also become quite fussy with food. In fact, ate so little yesterday that I was worried. She is eating very little again today. This is a teething side effect, I'm sure. We actually went out and got her some organic formula today to have for her nap bottle (which is usually goat milk) and she didn't like it, at all.

We did manage to take her to the park today before lunch. We let her crawl all over this thing they have at the park. I want to call it a jungle gym, but it isn't. It's this huge thing with platforms and slides and places for her to crawl. She loved it. Got her knees all dirty. She's funny - doesn't mind dirty knees, but if her hands get dirty she holds them up to me until I wipe them.

Anyway, A is upstairs right now attempting to get her to go down for her nap. The formula bottle has been traded for goat milk. So, we shall see.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Milestones, sleep regression, missin' her mama

Last night was way better in the sleep department. It's funny though how I blame myself when sleep isn't going well. What am I missing, what am I doing wrong, etc. And I take credit when it goes well. But really it has very little to do with me. I mean, everything is set up for her to have a good night's sleep. The rest is up to her. And whatever she is going through developmentally.

Bleu talked about milestones and how they affect sleep. Jen suggested we were at the 13 months sleep regression. And Jude said she misses her mama. Everyone is right. C is on the verge of walking. I read up on the sleep regression stuff (even borrowed the Wonder Weeks book from the library which is all about this sort of stuff) and I believe it applies to C. And, yes, she misses her mama - this is where she is developmentally. Plus, we are nursing less. Incidentally last week she dropped her morning nursing session, this week she added an afternoon nursing session.

So this is where we are. Sleep went well last night. Every night is different. My expectations are adjusted. All is well.

* * * * *

She can point to her nose when you ask her, "where's your nose?"

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


From 1 year appointment (she is 13 months tomorrow)... 19 lbs and 29 inches long.

Holy Sleep Woes

For the past several days it has been taking C longer and longer to fall asleep. Rather, she falls asleep easily - I rock her - and when I go to put her down she wakes up and clings. We have gone from a 15 minutes get her to sleep in her crib session to 45 minutes plus. Last night it took 3 hours! I'm confused. I feel like I am missing something.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I will ask for help.

Today is a better day. A went to work in the morning. C slept later than typical, which allowed me to sleep later than typical. Then C and I went for coffee (I had the coffee, she had goats milk in a sippy) and breakfast. Then we spent some money and bought a few necessities. Now she is napping and I've been able to start some laundry and put the trash and recycling out.

Re: yesterday, as the day went on A and I talked. I am going to ask for help more.

Here is the thing about A: she is one of those in the moment people. She is so easy going. She doesn't dwell on yesterday, she is not planning tomorrow, she is just here right now in the moment. And she manages to get her sh*t done. She is grounded and easy. She has always been this way and she has gotten even more mellow with age. This is what attracted me to her in the first place. I, on the other hand, am not mellow and in the moment. I wouldn't say that I am the exact opposite. And I have to say that I can be mellow about certain things. I've certainly developed the ability to be more and more present over the years. But being anxious is a coping mechanism of sorts for me. I stress. I worry. I plan. I write lists.

I don't know.

I do know this though - I said it yesterday and I will say it again today - I do not want C to experience the tension I experienced growing up.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Start Over

I don't like who I have become lately. I am overwhelmed with balancing parenting with work. I have things that need to get done and I am not getting to them. I get up early in the morning and go to work - where the moment I walk in the door I have students following me around/ needing my attention... I have a principal who needs something... and staff in my department who need me... I have e-mails and lessons to plan... and a student teacher who needs something. After work I get home and I talk to A for 15 minutes and then she is out the door. I am with C, who, naturally, needs me - she's my baby. I am tired and drained when I get home. I want to sleep. I want to check out. But I stay present and get lost playing with C. Books and toys. We watch E11en. We eat dinner. We go for a walk or run an errand. Have a bath. Go to sleep. Sometimes she is asleep by 8:15 or 8:30 or 9:30. (She wakes up once more for boob before going to bed for good). Sometimes I have time to run around and do a load of laundry and wash a stack of dishes or sweep the floor or scoop the litter box. Sometimes I get a bunch of things done sometimes I get nothing done. I feel bad when I get nothing done because that means A will have to deal with it the next day or I will deal with it later in the day if A never gets to it. September is over and I am exhausted. I don't know who I am anymore. I have bags under my eyes and more grey hairs. When I finally have a day off - Saturday - I have a huge list of stuff I want to/ need to get done. I wake up with this sinking feeling. Or overwhelmed feeling. Or maybe it is anger or guilt or something. Maybe I am depressed. But whatever I wake up ready to get shit done and I run around at some terrific speed and everything is passing me by. For the past two Saturdays A has been off work. She has noticed that we don't have fun together on days off anymore. She is being honest, she says. I notice it too - so I am not shocked or anything. But I get why my mom was so cranky when I was a kid. She was overwhelmed. She had shit to do. A hasn't been looking forward to our days off together. She is triggered into her own stuff about her parents and how they were. Triggers lead to feelings... and everything else that I don't have the energy to get into here. I listened to what she had to say. I said what I needed to say. I have also put myself down. Called myself a shitty mom and an assh*le and a bunch other un-necessary things. I do that, go inward and blame myself. I don't have the energy anymore. A wants me to ask for help. If there are things she can do for me in the week she wants me to ask. And there are things she can do to help. Asking for help brings up a lot of issues for me. I remember being able to do it all on my own. I pride myself on being independent. It doesn't feel good to turn to someone else. It doesn't feel good to depend. But I can't do this anymore. I want to have fun on days off. I want to go with the flow. I want C to not feel tension like the tension I am surely bringing into the house. The tension I wake up with. The tension I grew up with. I don't want to be my mom. I don't want to be pissy and tired and overwhelmed. I want to be me. I want to like my life again.

Friday, October 3, 2008

13 Months in 5 Days

C can point to her belly, her teeth, her toes... she signs drink and sometimes eat... she will say "bah" when we are in the bathroom and she is looking at her bath... she will say "bah" when she sees her soccer ball... she will go get her soccer ball when I say, "Go get your ball" or "Where's your ball?" She will sometimes push the ball to me... and sometimes she will push it and follow it... she fights the high chair, hates sitting in it... she squeals when she sees the cats... she hugs me or A and says "aaawwww" while stroking our arms or shoulder... she will kiss and before she kisses says "mmmmmmmm."

She will be 13 months in 5 days.

Something is Up

I should know by now that when it takes her a long time to fall asleep at bedtime (when it normally takes 15-20 minutes) that something is up. She was up throwing up in the night. Not milky spit up. But big kid throw up. She is sleeping now. Time to go to work.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Ice in the Drizzle!?

October started yesterday. In the evening C and I went to the bank and the grocery store and I swear the drizzle that was falling had ice in it. Last year summer lasted long. We were taking C for walks (she wasn't even a month old!) and wearing shorts and flip-flops in October. What a gift the weather was for me - new mama with some serious PPD starting up.

Am I the only one dreading winter weather and not being able to get out?

I don't know if it is dread or fear. I know that once the snow starts we are stuck in. Our house is small. It is amazing what getting out of the house does for C and her sleep.

Anyway, um... day 3 of her sleeping through her morning nursing session. I am not ready to wean yet. Just saying.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Day 2

Day 2 of her sleeping through her morning nursing session. I'll be leaving for work soon. I hope that there is still milk there on the morning she wakes up and we have time to nurse.

In other news: I am having the worst menstrual cramps ever in the history of menstrual cramps. Okay I am being dramatic. But seriously they are awful.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Big Girl Nursing

She has slept through her morning nursing session. I am not waking her up to nurse her. And I am leaving for work in like 5 minutes. We only nurse twice in a 24 hour period... maybe 3 times if she is in the mood when I get home from work.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

She is not walking yet, but...

I think we need to get real shoes for her. For one, we are coming into fall/winter. And for two, she will be walking soon. Her favourite game right now is the one where you hold her hands and walk behind her while she walks. Nothing makes her happier right now. She will break into belly laughs while doing this.

She is not a fan of shoes though. She is not a fan of socks either. She really likes to be barefoot. This worked last year - in her first few months she wore sleepers with feet, then spring came and it felt warm most days so she went without shoes/ socks. I mean, she started out wearing them and when we weren't looking (ha! even when we were looking) she'd take them off. Recently we bought her some cute little soft soled shoes. We have almost lost them several times because she takes them off. It is time though for something more serious, harder to get off, etc. Real shoes. Big girl shoes.

I have no idea what to look for in shoes for little ones.

Plus, she has narrow long feet. My mom was saying we had to special order shoes for me - I had the same issue.

So... um... yeah... shoes.

Oh yeah and then yesterday we were in a coffee shop - the three of us - and a grandma comes in with her 10 1/2 month old grand-daughter. C is waving and smiling and clapping in the direction of the 10 1/2 month old. Generally being social and cute. So the grandmother comes over and we all chit chat - how old is she? what's her name? Like you do. Then grandmother asks, "Is she walking yet?" Um no. "Well she is - she took her first steps yesterday." Which is lovely and cool and fun and everything else. Sometimes the whole mamahood stuff feels weirdly competitive, like we are all comparing notes... like it is a race... and I remember my dad telling me that the longer they crawl and the later they walk the better they are as readers. I have no idea if this is true or not. Maybe it is a right brain left brain thing. I don't know. But it makes me feel better. That and the idea that childhood is a journey, not a race.

So there you go.

Monday, September 22, 2008

So Many Posts ... So Little Time

There was the post about our 3 year anniversary of legal legal marriage and chrysanthemums... and another little post about C having a moment of anger (tantrum)... but I have no energy.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


It's been hard work this going back to work thing. Add to that the family cold. I had a day and a half off work this week. Can't believe tomorrow is Thursday. Feel very much behind.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Friday I'm in Love

Another Friday. I am back to looking forward to the weekends. When I was on mat leave everyday was a weekend... you know? Especially with A being a chef and not really having many weekends off. I miss grocery shopping on a Wednesday.

Rainy and muggy day. I took C for a walk. I daydreamed and remembered and generally got lost in the September-ness of the afternoon.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

She just fell asleep

For the first time in a long time, maybe the first time ever, getting C to sleep tonight was easy. She didn't need to be rocked like usual... she just fell asleep in my arms. Then I moved her to her crib and she didn't open her eyes or protest or anything.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I made it!

Well I made it through the week. Granted it was a 4 day week. And the kitchen is a mess and many things throughout the house are un-done. But there you go. Working mama time. I am exhausted. I've got more laundry going in the background. I must get upstairs and get some dishes done. The floors are looking pretty bad, but they will have to wait for tomorrow.

All is well here.

Birthday party on Sunday... actual birthday on Monday!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The First Day

Back to work today. I will meet 95 students over the course of two days. Overwhelmed. A did well with C on her own today. I did okay with C in the evening. She is sleeping now. It seemed to take forever to get her to finally fall asleep. Maybe because I am anxious to have some time to work on my teacher work.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

You know you are exhausted when.

A was home yesterday during C's 1pm nap. So we thought we'd be all sly and get into bed for a bit of a cuddle. We were asleep within 2 minutes. Hahaha! Our life is so different now.

* * * * *

Birthday party in 8 or so days! The theme is monkey/ jungle. Our daughter is rambunctious and silly and has garnered the nickname "monkey" - so the theme is appropriate.

* * * * *

She is a cruiser and a furniture climber. The cruising is fine. The furniture climbing is freaking me out. Knock on wood, so far so good. She is actually pretty good at getting herself up onto and down off the couch. Every now and then I have to swoop in and catch. Especially when she was first acquiring her mad couch skills and she'd ease herself down, face first!

* * * * *

Back to work on Monday. And this time I am not pumping. She nurses 4-6 times in a 24 hour period. She is drinking goats milk when I am not around. I just don't want to pump anymore - it is hard work (and time consuming).

Friday, August 22, 2008

Her 24-7 Mama For Now

The days are just going by. In a nice way. I am enjoying this last little while that I have with C as her 24-7 mama until I go back in September.

In the mail yesterday came my schedule. I know what I will be teaching and in what room. All I need to know. For now.

Hard to believe that September is around the corner. Last year at this time I was big and pregnant and uncomfortable. Sleeping better in the day than in the night. And waiting waiting waiting.

Now it is a different kind of waiting.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Poor Little Biscuit Needs Her One Nap

C is down to one nap per day and it takes place at exactly 1:00. If you miss it, you are screwed. Do not go shopping and miss her nap by an hour and assume she will sleep in the car-ride home. She won't. And it'll screw up her bed-time. She will alternate between giddy/ wired and craaaaaaaanky. You will say to her, "sorry baby we won't miss your nap time ever again..."

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Random C Doings

She's been clapping, waving, and pointing for awhile.

If you ask her: Where's your belly? She will point to her belly. She also points to her teeth.

She kisses.

She stops playing and gives me hugs and then goes back to playing.

She plays the Ha-Ha game with her baba. The game goes like this, C says Ha, then baba says Ha, then C says Ha, baba says Ha, and so on, until C lets out one big haaaaaaaaaaaaa and then the game starts over.

She would only eat fruit if we let her.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Coasting Along

Just coasting along lately. Can't believe it is August. Can't believe my baby is 11 months old today. Can't believe I'll be back to work in about 3 weeks.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Revelation on Attachment

The days are just sort of slipping by. In a good way, I suppose. I had some tough days with C and her naps... and then it got easy. She has been a bit clingy and for the first time choosing one of us over the other. [She is choosing me]. I had a strange revelation about that - and the revelation had to do with my own mother and my own attachment to her. See, my mom said to me when I told her that C has been choosing me over A, "well you have to nip that in the bud. She has to learn to go to either parent..." I love my mom. I have done a lot of therapy around my mom issues. I realised that C's attachment to me is not something I need to nip. Right now C feels she needs me, needs to express her need for me, something. She doesn't need me slipping away and distancing myself and forcing her to go to A. The revelation: my mom distanced herself when I tried to attach. And this is why I have spent many years feeling not exactly attached to her, somehow distanced from her, and really unable to pinpoint the feeling. This is why attachment to my mom - or connection with my mom - is something I've had to work on. More and more I get my mom - I know some of her history with her own parents - I've seen the ways in which they interact (or used to when her parents were alive) - so yeah I get it. But C coming to me and preferring me is what C needs to do. We need to attach. There will be days too when she chooses A over me. A is cool in all of this and really gets it. I suppose A is part of the reason I had the revelation in the first place. So there you go. I am learning things.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Good News on the Sleep Front

For the first time in several months C slept through the night last night. I, on the other hand, did not. I kept waking up in anticipation of her waking up. Because I don't know how to sleep if I get to sleep in a stretch that lasts longer than 4 hours!

She is napping right now. Her one and only nap of the day. And it is going on 2 1/2 hours!

She is healthy and happy these days too. She made it through being sick and getting a few teeth at the same time. She is pulling up a lot lately. And I swear she has grown an inch or two over night. Really she looks taller. And today she came up to me in the middle of playing for a quick cuddle.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Happy Pride

We made it to the parade. C has a viral infection (explains the fever in the week and subsequent rash). She is very sleepy. We weren't going to go - but she woke up from one of her many naps and her timing was perfect. She enjoyed the parade. We are home now and she is asleep. So I am going to get into bed myself and see if I can catch up on my sleep.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

My Sleepy Sick Baby

It is strange too when your kid is sick and sleeping most of the day away. I miss her. And I worry that she will get night and day confused and be up all night.

What a Week.

Now she has a rash. We are going to a walk-in tomorrow. Tomorrow happens to be the Pride parade. Complete with a kids' picnic... we may have to miss that depending on what this rash is.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Thank You Everyone

Jude: I like the quiet time idea.

Jen: We tried the teething tablets you suggested (prior to you suggesting them) and within 6 hours of taking them she had a fever. We are wondering if there is a link - like maybe she is allergic to something in the tablet. We are hesitant to give them to her again. Though we liked the natural-ness of them.

Bleu: Thank you for the supportive "mama instinct" comment. Nursing through a fever is amazing. I felt like I was doing something to help her feel better.

* * * * *

Ever have those days where your little one is cranky and it doesn't make sense until a day or so later - and when it does finally make sense, you feel relieved. ?

Her first fever

Last night. 101. Taken in her armpit. Nursed all night. Clingy. We are all very tired here. She's much better. Had no idea, though, what to do.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Naptime Sucks

The whole nap thing has me boggled and feeling like a failure...

C seems to be down to one nap per day. It's somewhere in the middle of the day. And it isn't for long. She spends much of the morning whining and crabbing and getting mad at her toys. So I swoop in and try to help her get to sleep. She thrashes and kicks and cries and sleep never happens - until sometime in the middle of the day.

She is not on a schedule. I used to think I can't schedule my response to her needs. Meaning she breastfeeds on demand and she sleeps when she needs to. This worked when she was 0-6months. Doesn't work - and hasn't for awhile - now that she is almost 10 1/2 months.

Somebody on my livejournal made some comment recently about how you have to schedule naps no matter what and if they cry they cry. I don't agree with the if they cry they cry part. I can't do CIO and I know my kid, if I put her in her crib at the scheduled nap time she would freak.

So what am I supposed to do?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Toothy Grin

Tooth #3 (top left) has finally cut through. She is still behaving like a babe who is teething so I think tooth #4 is not far behind. She has been working on these teeth for so long. Especially when you consider that tooth #1 and tooth #2 popped through around 6-7 months.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Overtired, Then Sleep

Major sleep issues. Holy cow. C has always been one to wake up in the night and she has always been relatively easy to put back down. For the past two nights (this, by the way comes after several nights of solid sleeping through the night) she has been waking up every 1-2 hours until about 4am at which time she sleeps to about 7am. The wake ups would be manageable if she were easy to put down. She's not. She clings. She falls asleep in my arms and then wakes up the moment her bum touches her crib. [She has always slept best in her crib]. Last night we were up from 12:15 to 2:30 straight. During the day her napping has been getting progessively worse. Short naps. Single naps. Fighting naps. I have a feeling she is overtired at night. Overtired is a concept I can't get my head around. I mean, if you are tired you should sleep. But I guess in baby-land it doesn't work that way. At least, this is my theory. Crappy naps during the day are leading to several clingy wake-ups in the night. So today I am trying to get her to nap. And she is fighting it. I feel awful because I am feeling the effects of being up for 2+ hours in the night. She was crying in my arms at one point and I couldn't help but start crying too. There could be other issues here too. She is learning a lot during the day and this could be affecting her at night. She still only has 2 bottom teeth but very swollen upper gums (so, teething is a serious possibility). I don't know. But it sucks to cry.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Life is Good

I am enjoying my time off. Trying hard not to think about being back at work in September. I got a promotion (I am now the head of my department). So every now and then work thoughts creep in... usually about the things I need to do to get my department in order for the new schoolyear. But honestly, mostly, it is me and baby C... or me, baby C, and partner A. And I like it that way.

The three of us have been to a summer music festival our little city is so famous for. And C and I have been to the library several times. This morning C and I had breakfast in the little trendy area of our city and then went for a scenic stroller walk.

Life is good right now.

Friday, July 4, 2008

It's teh Magic Number

I got some unsolicited advice from my mom (I love my mom) about spacing kids 3 years apart.

Apparently 3 is the magic number. We weren't even talking about ttc. I don't know how we got onto the topic. Oh yeah I do know. She was talking about how good I was as a kid and how C is a lot like me in temperment [sp?]. And my mom believes we all got along (and by we I mean her 3 kids) because we were spaced apart by 3s. Brother #1, three years later Brother #2, six years later me. And apparently this contributed to my easygoing nature.

Unsolicited advice.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

More TTC Timing Talk

Things get put on hold whilst one is ttc. We are talking about when we'd like to start ttc for #2. And we are going for sooner rather than later. But we have a trip planned for England for next July. 7-8 hour flight. Plus 3 or so hour car journey. Can one fly whilst pregnant? You can, but not after 36 weeks. You can, if your pregnancy is a healthy one. You should invest in some support tights because there is a risk of blood clots. I've been doing my research, hahaha. But this is what ttc is like - you imagine yourself already pregnant and consider putting various things on hold. Sometimes it isn't even considering putting things on hold; things get put on hold, period. I remember. I remember ttc.

We could wait until we are back from England. But August 2009 seems so late.

Thanks for the comments on the previous post. I am going for sooner rather than later.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My Head is Already Swimming

We had the ttc baby#2 talk last night. I want to start trying sooner rather than later. We'd been thinking August 2009 when we return from our little July trip to England. Part of the reason why we were waiting 'til mid 2009 is to give 2 years between pregnancies so that I can try for a vbac. But what if it takes another 3 years like it did to conceive C? I'll be 36 in November. A will be 40 in January. What if we tried before England? I am going to stop posting now. My head is already swimming. More to come, I'm sure.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

One Year - Photo - Delurk

So my blog is a year old today.

My very first post looked like this:

I am asking that you all de-lurk.

I am curious about my readers and I am deciding whether I want to keep this blog going or not.

So um yeah... delurk? Please?

Friday, June 27, 2008


I am back to being C's stay at home momma - until September 2.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Humbled I Tell You

Having a kid has humbled me. I have grown up a lot in the past 9 1/2 months. It showed in the way that I dealt with A's parents visiting us for 3 weeks. In the past I have been cranky and claustrophobic. This time I saw them through C's eyes. And through her eyes, they are innocent and they are human, and their intentions are good.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

This Particular Visit

We said goodbye to nanny and grandad today. They fly out of Toronto in a few hours. C will miss them. We've been here in Canada 8 years. They've visited us each of those 8 years. In fact, I had my miscarriage during the visit before this one. Needless to say this particular visit was something special. What with the wee one crawling around on the floor. It was so hard to say goodbye.

I suppose there is more to say here - but I need to go.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Saturday, June 21, 2008


Midway through the week I wrote some big long post about how I wasn't getting much again when I pump. When I went to post it blogger ate it. I had to go to work - so I moved on.

My supply seems to go up and down. Some mornings I pump 5 ounces and some mornings only 1. Whatever. I am going with the flow. C is eating more solids when I am not around. She is actually starting to like regular food more and more. On the weekends - when I am around - she nurse nurse nurses.

So there you go.

Everything is changing. It always is. And that's okay.

The in-laws go home tomorrow.

I have 4 days of work left starting Monday.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day

A's parents are visiting from England. My parents came in from the States just for the day. We had a late lunch and ice cream cake. C sat somewhere amidst all the adults on the porch for much of the day. Our porch is lovely and shady and huge. She napped inside at some point. I am amazed at her ability to just chill today. Sometimes she sat up in her stroller. Sometimes on one of our laps. Lovely. She hardly sees her grandparents on either side. In her 9 month old mind they are strangers. Though she is warming up nicely to the grandparents from England - they've been here for the past 2 weeks. I feel sad sometimes that we are her only people in this country. I hope it is enough. What with gas prices and all.

Friday, June 13, 2008

The days are just flowing together. It's Friday already.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Holy freakin' crap I am so freakin' tired. Week #1 back at work - fine. Week #2 back at work - I feel like I am in a fog. Everything feels so thick. My brain thinks weird repetitive thoughts. Nothing bad. I just can't shut my brain off. That's all.

Monday, June 9, 2008


I am getting more with the pump these days.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Going With the Flow

Slowly but surely I am figuring out. As I am pumping less and feeding C a bit less, she is eating a bit more.

She is enjoying eating. A is enjoying feeding her. [A is a chef, afterall]. And C is enjoying eating what Baba offers.

We are still nursing very much.

But she is happily eating more.

I am just going with it. I know my supply will adjust and I will produce less milk.

I also know that our nursing relationship is going to continue.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Pumping Part 2

Thank you to everyone who replied to my last post.

This morning I got 3 ounces. I added that to the 1/2 ounce I got before bed the night before. I'm not sure if it was enough for C - but A says she seemed pretty satisfied during the day. She nursed like crazy when I got home.

I have a Ame.da pump - it's a double pump. It is the same as my midwife's. I borrowed hers when we first brought C home and had to pump to feed her because of her latch issues due to her time in NICU. When we were in hospital we used the fancy best pump ever hospital pump.

I am used to getting a lot more with the pump, in general. So I am taking the fenugreek/ blessed thistle combo. Oatmeal for breakfast every morning so far. Water water water.

C seems satisfied and even slept from 9pm to 5am last night - which is quite good for her.

I am lucky too that my principal is letting me leave for an hour or so (I live 6 minutes from the school).

* * * * *

A's parents are visiting from England. They arrived yesterday. C already thinks they're wonderful. Which is cute to see. But it has messed up her nap schedule to have them around. So we shall see. A happens to be off work when they are here.

* * * * *

C is not really seeming to have any issues with me leaving for the day. She is happy when I come home. But honestly seems pretty easy-going about me leaving. A has been leaving for work and coming back since she was 2 or 3 months old - and points out that C knows that because her Baba always comes home that her Mama will too. So she is secure.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Pump it Up

I am not getting enough when I pump and it is starting to freak me out.

I have pumped before at various points when I had an appointment or whatever - and I've always pumped more than enough in one sitting. But now sometimes less than an ounce. Pumping in the evening and in the morning... and coming home in the middle of my day to nurse C.

I work about 6 1/2 hours total - and I am home in the middle of that for a bit.

I am shocked at how little I am getting. Wondering if the pump is broken - doesn't feel broken, feels the same as the times I pumped a lot. Wondering if there is some reason my supply has taken a dip. C is definitely eating less during the day. Not nursing too much more when I get home. Not waking up extra in the night. [She will be 9 months next week].

She, in fact, is handling everything very well. Happy in the day. A is giving her more in the way of solids - but not that much more.

It is too soon for weaning. But maybe that is happening.

Tips/tricks to get more from pumping? Did this happen to any of you? Those of you who pump, or have pumped, how much did you get in one pumping session? Should I start taking fenugreek/blessed thistle?

I am off again in July/ August and I really want a solid nursing relationship then.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Where did the time go?

I had a moment of sadness today thinking about going back to work on Monday.

I have so enjoyed my time with C. It has not been easy. It has been crash course culture shock at times. I have been doing a lot of figuring out as I go. But this has been my life since September. C and I together everyday. My constant companion.

I console myself with the fact that I will be off in July and August.

I guess I think about all the time and I wonder where it went. It's been a flurry of learning mamahood around here. All that time is gone. I look at C and she is so big now. Not that teeny tiny 6lb 15oz little bitty baby that we brought home. Where did that time go? I'm sad. I am mourning something here.

My constant companion. Partner A went back to work when C was 2 months old. She tells me that it will be hard and you will think about her a lot during the day. But it gets easier.

I plan to pump milk for her. I am letting her lead the way with weaning. I hope I pump enough.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Weekend is About to Fly By

So I had some prints made of recent photos of C to take to work with me on Monday. I bought a cute little photo album to put them in. I go back to work on Monday. I am blah about it right now.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A lovely day was had by all.

I am definitely making the most of my last week of home time with C.

Today partner A, C, and I went to I.kea. 2 hour car ride. C was so good. She is so cute. She really is at a fun age. We wandered the store. I wore her in the wrap. We nursed in the "baby care" room. Very comfy room. We had I.kea food - the two of us did, not C. C had an organic teething biscuit and momma's milk. We spent money. New chair and a few odds and ends.

Tomorrow the developmental resources worker comes to visit us and see that C is still meeting milestones (more birth follow-up) and then I have therapy. Followed by the evening with C while A is at work. I'm thinking we will go for a walk in the park. Because the weather lately has been amazing - like a real and true spring.

Monday, May 26, 2008


After our a.m. nursing session C and I went to breakfast. It was so fun sitting with her (she has quite the personality now) and watching the rest of the world race around on a busy Monday morning.

She is teething. Teething is rough. She always wakes up chipper and cheerful - no matter what the night before was like.

I love her. I would love her even if she didn't wake up chipper and cheerful.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Friday, May 23, 2008

Walkin' Along

C and I went for a big long walk this evening. When she is tucked in her stroller (or if I am wearing her, tucked in her wrap) she is safe. I am not rescuing her from cords and cats and CDs on shelves. She is content. She watches the world go by. It is an easy time. My mind drifts. These walks are the closest thing I've got to meditation lately.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

I go back to work in a week and a few days. I will work the month of June. I am off July and August (I teach). Then I go back for good in September (when C is a year).

Yesterday I found out what I will be doing for the month of June. I'm happy to be going back. My assignment will be interesting and the days will fly by. I am excited to see the students. Good good good. It'll feel good to have lunch at the same time everyday - hell, to have lunch everyday period. It'll feel good to have a shower everyday. It'll feel good to talk with other adults.

And I am feeling anxious. I want to keep C safe. I want to keep her full on the booby milk. I want her to still feel bonded to me. I don't want to miss out. It'll all work out.

I have to say too I am ever so grateful to the government of Canada for funding my time off.

* * * * *

In other news, C is mobile. She is a baby on the go. Crawling very much. Also bumping her head very much. And making it hard for me to update.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Figuring it Out as We Go Along

Somewhere between 3 and 4 months C started sleeping at night for longer stretches at a time. At around 6 months she started sleeping for shorter stretches at a time. In the last month (she's 8 months and a week now) she's been waking every 2-3 hours. When she wakes I've been feeding her. Then I started noticing that she wasn't eating much during the day. Reverse cycling? I decided to not feed her when she wakes up in the night and simply rock her back to sleep. We had a horrible go of this - she cried, she rooted, she kept her eyes open while I rocked her... so I'd give in and feed her. Obviously she needed food, right? For the past few nights, partner A has been getting up with her in the night. With A she goes back to sleep within a few minutes - no crying, no rooting, no eyes wide open - and she stays asleep until just before 8am! One wake-up. One short wake up. She's eating more during the day. Now, we've only been doing this for a few days, but... I think we are on to something. [Don't want to jinx it].

Saturday, May 10, 2008

A Bunch of Queers and their Kids got Together

We had a super big playdate today. Met up with several queer mama families today. The oldest kid was 5 and the youngest was 4 days! In the backyard of one family's home. Under many shady trees. C played with a 10 month old girl. They don't play at that age. They share space. I nursed C several times. Many of them live within walking from our house. I am building community people.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I am turning a corner.

Went back to therapy the other day and I will go back again at the end of the month. I didn't think I was ready to go back. Now I feel hope because I am going back. Hope like I haven't felt hope in a long time.

Trying not to count days/ weeks left until I go back to work. Suffice to say, it's less than one month. I have less than a month of 24-7 time with my little C. I feel sad about this. But it will be nice to be able to eat lunch at the same time everyday and talk to big people.

We went to the library yesterday and I was taking it all in with her. She quietly stares at the little kids playing and gets wide-eyed and expansive at the trees in the reading garden (which was open yesterday for the first time - lovely).

Must go. I have diapers to retrieve from the dryer, to fold and put away.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Celebration, Connection, Communication

The three of us went to a gathering yesterday put on by our midwifery in honour of Int'l Midwives Day. We found out that our midwife is moving on and opening her own practice several hours away. I wanted her to be our midwife for baby #2 (should there be a baby #2). But now I am thinking it'll be nice to have a new midwife. The new one won't come with the baggage that was C's complicated birth. There is something fresh about that.

At this gathering we met up with an old acquaintance - really not a friend - who is a single queer mama pregnant with baby #2 and due 5(!) days ago. She looked lovely and ready. She's going to be our link to other queer mamas in our city. I've been wanting a little community.

Also, sleep in our house has been sucky - and we've had to step up our communication skills as partners. We are doing better today, but the last few days... oy. Lack of sleep can be hard on relationships - and that is all I am saying for now on this issue.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

All Night Party

Two nights in a row C is waking up at 3am ready to play! I was up with her the first night and A was up with her last night. She's up for an hour and a bit. Not hungry. Just wide eyed and talkative.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A List About My Funk

1. Hormones and breastfeeding - C eats more solids and my supply adjusts, perhaps this is affecting me hormonally

2. Breastfeeding - C eats more solids and needs less boob and therefore needs less of me (really she needs me in different ways, but I am having a hard time seeing the different ways); our breastfeeding relationship is changing

3. Work - I go back in less than 5 weeks (this is perhaps a post all unto itself)

4. Triggers - 'they' say parenthood triggers one's childhood memories and hurts; I've been reminded of things, but not sure if I have been full-on triggered

5. PPD - Does PPD resurface? Come back? The tears I had today felt very much like 6 days post-partum (very random, very from out of nowhere); shifting hormones?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Attention all LiveJournalers

I post nearly everyday on my LiveJournal. Not just about mamahood, but about my day to day. Most of my posts are friends locked. If you have a LiveJournal, check me out, and friend me.


Still in a funk.

Friday, April 25, 2008


I am in a bit of a funk. It started this morning at 3am-ish. I was up feeding C and I felt so anxious and sad for no real reason. It continued into the day. Even now I'm feeling down. I talked with A about it all. I'm guessing it's hormones. Maybe? I feel like I felt in those early post-partum days.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I Needed Sleep... Needed Sleep...

My partner is awesome. And let me tell you why.

C has been waking up a lot in the night. Not always to nurse - in fact, most of the wake-ups are not for food. So the other night A (my partner) said I will handle all wake-ups tonight, your job is to sleep. If we need you for food I will wake you and bring her into bed and when she is done I will take her back to her crib.

So all wake-ups were taken care of (and I wasn't needed for food). Do you know what it is like to get that much sleep? It was like 8+ hours. And I trusted that A and C would figure it out (a nice little bit of surrender on my part) and so I slept.

The next day I was so pleasant and happy and easy going.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Little Things

I've been a bit MIA lately. Maybe it is the weather or the fact that my little one is becoming more and more mobile making it harder and harder for me to post. I thought it would be nice to tell you all some of the cute/clever little things baby C is doing these days.

When she wants to be picked up she holds her arms up. The other day we walked to the local deli/bakery - she was in her stroller. I am balancing cheese and bread and whatnot and she raises her arms to me. So, what do you do? I put the bread and cheese and whatnot in her stroller like it's a shopping cart and I pick her up. Luckily the tiny deli/bakery place was not packed (it often is) and I was able to maneuver through. I had her happily back in her stroller by the time we got to the register to pay.

We have this hanging stuffed bug toy over her changing table to distract her when we change her diaper. We call it "spider bug" and when we're done I will often wave to the spider bug and say "bye bye spider bug" as we transition from diaper changing to the next task. Yesterday baby C waved bye bye to the spider bug.

We have 3 cats. One in particular is quite fond of C. The feeling is mutual. He's an old handsome guy called Eddie. Often when he enters the room I will ask C, "where's Eddie?" And she will look around and stop looking when she sees him. Then she will let out a soft squeal to get his attention. She also saves her "dadadada" sounds for when Eddie is around. I'm think her first word is going to be some variant of Eddie.

She tried organic brown rice cereal for the first time this week. In fact, it has been a bit of a mid-morning meal for her all week. When the spoon comes close to her mouth she takes it from me and puts it in her mouth, sucks the cereal off the spoon, then hands it back to me.

She is also starting to experience a bit of separation anxiety. She will cry when I leave the room. This pretty much started yesterday. Before that she'd often look up from her toys to check if I am still there, see me, and go back to playing. Now she looks for me often. And if I get up to leave she cries. I am kind of glad it is starting now and not the day I go back to work (like 6 weeks from now). But I don't know how to handle it. Do I come back right away? Do I go on with what I was doing?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Post #100

My baby is 7 months old today.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Not Ready to Make Nice

I go back to therapy next month.

After giving birth and going to a few therapy sessions I decided to take a break from therapy. Because all it was doing was wiping me out and making me cry more. I know that I had feelings that needed to be explored, post-partum-ly, but... it wasn't helping. So a break I took. Am I going back to therapy for good? Probably not. A. it is expensive for a woman making 1/2 her salary on maternity leave. There are 101 more things I could spend my money on... like bills. B. I am still not in the mood for therapy. I don't want to talk about it all. I don't want to explore my feelings. [At least not there].

When I left therapy - when I decided to take a break - I found that I was feeling very angry with the whole therapeutic process. I've spent 6 years in therapy. I was angry with it because it was my involvement in my own healing process that led me to want a natural birth... led me to believe I was powerful enough and capable enough to give birth that way. I know now that it is more complex than this and that my anger at the process is maybe a bit misguided and that anger probably needs to be explored. But... I don't want to go back, so I won't. I mean, I will go back for that May appointment, but I am not going back for good.

Okay that is all.

P.S. Taking a break has been a good thing - I have witnessed myself dealing and growing and integrating... and I have been quite proud at my self-awareness.

* * * * *

In other news, Spring has sprung. Lovely lovely lovely spring. Soon I will sink my toes into green grass.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Ultimately, My Wish...

I find it hard just lately to do my daily update on my other blog Partly because C is busy in different ways and takes more of time and sometimes less of my time. She can occupy herself for stretches of time with her toys. She has really discovered toys. She sits - can't get into a sitting position on her own, but can stay sitting upright on her own - and plays. I watch her. And try to catch her when she tumbles to one side or the other. She is so cute. Sitting up babies who play with their toys are cute.

It is as though I am not in the room sometimes. It's like she forgets. Plays. Plays. Plays. Then looks up, looks for me, sees me, goes back to playing.

* * * * *

I find it hard to update my other blog because it's hard to settle my mind. I am feeling happy. I am feeling anxious about going back to work for the month of June. I am hating that we are running out of money. The bills keep coming and the government just doesn't pay enough maternity benefit. Well, they do... I am just one of these people who feels more secure when I have money tucked away. We are tapping into the tucked away money and it feels... well... less secure. So yeah these kind of feelings make it hard to update the other blog. Perhaps if I look at these feelings, then... it'll be easier.

* * * * *

So out in "ttc blog land" I'd like to see some BFPs soon. Seriously. It seems there is a lack of BFPs - at least in the circle of blogs in which I move. So that is my wish. For those who are in your 2ww or soon to be in your 2ww, may you get your BFP. [more babies! more babies! more babies!]

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Bit by Bit

The comments on my "What is bonding?" post have helped shift something in me. A switch has been flipped. I am no longer looking at ways in which C and I have not bonded. Because it isn't about that. We have bonded. We continue to bond.

I have fallen in love at first sight with people. And (for me) it felt like addiction. [Not saying that "love at first sight" is not real or valid - it is real and it is valid - I had to have those experiences and I may again]. With my partner I fell in love slowly, bit by bit, over time. Some parts of falling in love were instant and some took time and evolution. Our relationship is so balanced. There is something very true about our love. There is something very true about the way we love each other. It's been a process.

I kind of see bonding between mama and baby as a process. Some of it is instant. Instantly I wanted to protect her and nourish her. Some of it is bit by bit and over time. As she changes and grows and develops, we see new sides of each other. Or we see the same stuff but in different ways. Bonding evolves.

It no longer works for me to look at what we didn't get when she was born. I am looking at what we have now. I am not even looking for it - it is just there.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

2nd Annual Earth Hour

In a half hour we will power down and take part in Earth Hour.

Go to for more info.

Hopefully you can participate too.

Monday, March 24, 2008

What is bonding anyway?

At Easter dinner yesterday my cousin, my mom, and I were talking about breastfeeding. My mom said she believed that Mother Nature invented breastfeeding to help mama and baby bond. My cousin was saying that she used to worry those days when her little one (now 18 - where does the time go?) would seem to be latched on to her 24-7. Probably a growth spurt. She agreed with my mom and said "yeah some pretty wonderful bonding came out of those 24-7 days."

I've always been sad that I didn't get to see (or touch or talk to) to little C when she was born. A got to see her in the moments after she was born when her apgar was 2 and they were "bagging" her - the midwife brought her in to the OR in case C didn't make it (I was knocked out and A was in the waiting room during the surgery). Then C was whisked away, quickly. A saw her again an hour or so later when she was hooked to machines and monitors and in an isolette. But couldn't touch her. I got to see her the next morning - some 12 hours after she was born.

"They" say that first little while after birth is so important in terms of bonding. I still wonder what we all missed out on - the three of us. I've also worried that we aren't "properly bonded." Whatever that means. I look for clues to prove that we aren't bonded - I did that a lot in the first few months. Clues, like: I can't seem to console her right now. This spirals into: she finds no comfort in my presence, therefore we are not bonded, and I suck. Seriously I've taken it to this level - and I'm a fairly confident woman with a relatively good self-esteem (but suddenly I suck).

When does bonding happen? I mean, I agree with my cousin and my mom. Those 24-7 days are bonding. Working together, mama and baby, to figure out how to breastfeed is pretty bonding. Being up in the 3am silence feeding her is bonding. But what about those first few moments after birth - what did I miss?

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Going Bananas

C had a bit of organic banana in her mesh feeder today. Her first solid food ever. When she was finished she put the feeder down on the tray - dramatically, I might add - and then pulled her bib off and put it on the tray.

Exactly 6 1/2 months today.

Sleep last night was good after a few days of not so good sleep. [Teething, maybe?] So yeah last night she went down at 10:30pm, up at 1am, up at 6am, up for good at 10:30am. And the 1am and 6am feedings were easy and she didn't need help going back to sleep. I feel refreshed.

I don't even want to get into what her sleep was like 2 nights ago. Just picture 2 very sleepy women handing a screaming and very awake baby back and forth with the clock reading 3:52.

Off to MI tomorrow. C's first time crossing the border.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

What is it good for?

C went to her first peace rally today. She slept through the whole thing.

It was particularly sad because I thought of all those soldiers - young women and men - who will never come home to their mamas. I thought of their mamas too - who carried and loved them as babies and watched them grow.

A's nan in England passed away yesterday peacefully at 94. She lost her husband in WWII - and was never the same after that loss.

When will we learn?

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Use Your Words

Towards the end of our walk in the park yesterday (when it was 5C) C started to cry. When we got back to the car she was inconsolable. I took her out of the stroller and bounced around with her and talked to her and tried to calm her. When she was calm I started to put her in the car seat and she began crying all over again. I've only seen her like this a few times. So I took her out of the car seat and held her. I didn't want to leave her in the car seat crying. I didn't want to have her crying in the back seat while I drove home. I ended up trying to nurse her with us sitting in the back seat - but she didn't want boob. Eventually she calmed down long enough for us to get home. Once home, I fed her, changed her, rocked her, and she napped for 2 hours.

But oh my it is so hard to hear my baby cry and not be able to fix it right away.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

We got out of the house.

We went to the library and we went for a walk in the park!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Life in a Snow Belt

I just know that the warm weather is around the corner. Even though more snow and dipping temps are predicted. That's life in a snow belt.

A's three days off in a row end tomorrow. She goes back in the morning. We've spent the time well.

A looked after C today for a bit and I had a luxurious nap. The two of them sorted through clothes that C has outgrown. I see her everyday and I am aware that she is growing, but I had no idea just how much until I looked through the box A will be dropping off at the G00dwill. Our little baby is growing up. Anyway...

Tomorrow I'm hoping that C and I will get out and go to the library. I have books to return and new ones to pick up. I have mad library love right now. I used their on-line search thingy to check out various titles that I am interested in. What fun!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Bitter Sweet

C turned 6 months today. I swear she grew a bunch overnight! She was born 6 months ago at 6:50pm. I didn't know I had a baby girl until I woke up at 10 to 8pm - well after that when the nurse in recovery found out and then told me. I had C via c-section and I was under a general anaesthetic. My heart hurts that I was not there to welcome her to the world. Even more that her baba couldn't be there to welcome her. I feel tremendous sadness about it all today. We looked at the clock at various points and said, 6 months ago right now contractions started, the midwife came, water broke, left for the hospital, she was born, etc.

Last week I was aware of the intense fear I felt when they rolled me in to the OR - feeling contractions and freaking scared of the general and the knife and for my baby's life.

Today it is sadness.

And I am so happy she is here, so pleased, so in love, so in awe. She is everything. Everything to me. My heart aches with these joyful feelings too.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Book Love

I have (re)discovered the library in my limited income maternity leave ways. And I am a bit nostalgic about it. It's like I am back at college. It helps that the library system in this city is pretty effing amazing.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Intense Baby

Mamas of babies who are past 6 months: Please tell me it is normal for my almost 6 month old to get so freaking frustrated (to the point where she screams) at not being able to crawl to desired toys. Please tell me it is normal for my almost 6 month old to have what appears to be a tantrum because she can't roll back over.

And please help me out here. Do I just fetch the toys for her (this is what I am doing)? Or, help her move/creep/crawl to the toy? Or, just let her figure it out (you know as a way to gain the crawling skills)?

Should I be worried that her freaking out now is somehow indicative of the intensity of her personality and that when she is 2 she is going to have major tantrums? Is there a correlation?

Book Meme

I was tagged(!) by Owl at Enough Grows.

1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.

2. Open it to page 123.

3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.

4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

Until we heal original relationships, we will never truly be in fresh relationships with others.

My dad had driven the twenty mintes from his home in Oakmont to meet me for dinner in Sonoma. We met at a coffee shop in a shopping center that had a supermarket, a bagel shop, and a Rite Aid drugstore. We ate our sandwiches and caught up on the news about Nicole, the house, dad's lady friend, sharing warm feelings. When we finished eating we left arm in arm and walked around the shopping center on a mission to find a single razor blade for his shaver.

The book is Buddha Mom by Jacqueline Kramer and it is way more ineteresting than the sentences above might lead you to believe.

Okay so I am supposed to tag 5 other people - this is where the whole meme thing stresses me out... so... um... if you want to do this meme do it (and let me know that you did)... and to my reader Jen (with no blog), you have been tagged to do it in the comments for this post.


Saturday, March 1, 2008

But Today is Not the Day

Reading others' February 29 posts has made me realise that there is so much more I could write. So much more that I need to write. I don't know where to begin. I don't have the energy. I am afraid to open the door to all those feelings. Others' posts have me aware. And inspired.

I know now that ttc and pregnancy and birth are all about loss. Things that are essentially all about creating new life are also about loss.

I know now that there are so many people out there who can say it so much better than me. It is amazing what happens when someone (or in the case of February 29, many someones) put words to so many things that I have thought, have felt, still think, still feel.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Micah's Bright Light

micah's bright light

I was honoured to carry you for even that short time, Micah.

You brought an amazing amount of joy to us.

I still feel the loss of you.

I also feel intense love for you.

I always remember you as bright bright light.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Back to Earth

I realised how far away I was becoming when I was day dreaming about baby #2 and what life will be like then. I brought myself back to earth when I became aware that life then will not be like I imagine it now. And honestly thinking about baby #2 is not what I should be doing now. We are both doing it - thinking about baby #2 - and I wonder why that is. Is it the sperm storage bill? Is it that baby #1 is almost 6 months and life is feeling normal again? Or did we just love the ttc days so much that we are eager to go back there?! Ha! I don't know - whatever - I plan to just focus on the here and now. In this moment, anyway.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Number 2

We got the bill for sperm storage last week. $200 for 2 vials for 1 year. Getting the bill got me thinking about TTC baby #2. I had a c-section so I need to wait 2 years. Especially if I want a VBAC. So then I start thinking about my age in 2 years, the size of our house, and the TTC process. I want baby #2 to be related to baby #1. We have the last 2 vials of the stuff that made baby #1. I have a 100% success rate with this donor. But could we get pregnant with baby #2 with just 2 tries? TTC is hard. So I am going to stop thinking about it.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The 6 Month Assessment

The developmental resources case worker came out today to assess baby C. This is part of her birth follow-up. This was the second meeting with the case worker. C is 5 1/2 months old and the 6 month assessment was used. She's meeting most milestones.

Then C and I went to the mall to get ingredients for banana muffins. This is the mall that has underground parking - so we never really have to bundle up and I can put her in the wrap just outside the car. This is also the mall that has a grocery store attached to it - so we can get our bananas and whatnot for our muffins. This is also the mall with so many elderly people who smile at C. She smiles back. Seriously she is more likely to smile big at a lovely worn face than any other kind of face.

She is asleep at my boob right now - I am typing with one hand - bless her. And when she wakes up, it'll be muffin time!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

You think you have it all figured out.

Just when you think you've got your baby's schedule/patterns figured out she goes and changes them! Ha!

Monday, February 18, 2008


Partner A is off work for three whole days in a row. I am so enjoying our time together.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Not to rush things along, but...

I am sooooooo looking forward to Spring. Not to rush things along, but seriously. I can't wait to feel green grass between my toes and the sun on my nose. [Look at me, rhyming!!] I look forward to going for long walks with C and stopping to nurse her on a bench somewhere. Won't that be lovely? And simply relaxing in our backyard.


Saturday, February 16, 2008

Herstory Repeats Itself

So I am reading this book on recovering emotionally from complicated birth and I am in like chapter 3 or 4. The author talks about history repeating itself. Or in this case herstory repeating itself. Apparently the idea is that we are inclined to give birth much in the way we were born. Or, in the very least there are common themes. Birth as narrative? Or, we do what we know.

The author talks about rebirthing work. This is where you combine breath work with hypnotherapy and you go back to your own birth. When I was somewhere in the middle of ttc I had the opportunity to do rebirthing work. To this day I still find it all dubious - if that makes sense. I mean, really(?) you can go back to your own birth?! When I went back, I found myself having a hard time being born and feeling sluggish and afraid that I was going to die.

Herstory repeating itself.

My mom opted for a natural hospital birth in 1972. I was her third. She's been through it before. Laboured at home. Was only in the hospital for 2 hours before I was born just after 9am. The night before, labour had started and her doctor told her to have a glass of wine to take the edge off. She drank an entire bottle of cherry liquor. She tells the story and finds it funny. [By the way, my mom is not a drinker at all ever].

So that explains the sluggishness and the fear about dying. I was drunk while trying to be born.

Fast forward to September 2007. I know that just before the general anesthesia kicked in I was afraid we were both going to die. I'm sure when the anesthesia traveled through the cord baby C started to feel the effects and quite possibly thought she was going to die. She was already dealing with thick meconium, and had stopped moving. She came out needing resuscitation.

Needless to say, I feel horrible that she had to go through that. That is a whole other post.

Prior to giving birth, I had done some work in therapy around my own birth memories. But really gave it no thought as I prepared for birth. I had worked on pain management techniques and visualisation. But I never really addressed the way my own birth shaped how I felt about giving birth. I have to say I went into it feeling confident about my body's intuition and wisdom. I also felt confident that baby knows what to do too. My goal was to go with the flow. My plan was a home birth. Perhaps I was avoiding the memories of my own birth. But it never seemed relevant.

This is me reflecting and making sense, coming to terms and making peace.

Now what do I do with this idea of herstory repeating itself? What do I do now that I can link my own birth with C's birth? Can I somehow make it so C doesn't have to give birth the way she was born?

Baby Wearing Rawks!

I love love LOVE wearing baby C. Love it. Our wrap was the best shower gift ever. Went to the mall today. Wore her inward facing. So cuddly. She was so content. She talks, hums, squeals, and generally makes noise on a regular basis. It was just so funny to hear her squealing from the wrap at the mall.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

When and How

For over a year my mom has had pain in her shoulder. Originally doctors thought it had to do with her diabetes (adult onset). When the pain became unbearable in the last few weeks, she went to her doctor. The MRI showed something and she was referred to an oncologist. A biopsy this morning confirmed cancer.


From just outside the hospital, my dad called on his cell to say it's good news but not 100% good news. Good news because it can be treated and controlled. The bad news - he didn't share the bad news - I had to g0o0g1e for the bad news. Specifically, there is no cure and most people die within 3 to 5 years of diagnosis.

* * * * *

Two nights ago - after hearing she may have cancer - I had an intense flash back of giving birth to C. Before I was knocked out. In my flash back I recalled the intense fear that I was about to die and so was my baby (who had stopped moving earlier in the day). Everything moved so fast once my water broke and we saw just how thick it was with meconium. I honestly had no time to acknowledge my fear(s), between that and the contractions. We had to get out of our house and to the hospital. Period.

Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep - quietly, so as not to wake baby C in the other room - and A was in bed next to me, fetching tissues and listening to me whisper about my feelings.

I am afraid to lose my mom.

When I was in labour at the hospital I remember being surprised at the sudden realisation that I wanted my mom there. And the next day, when she was there I felt so happy. And safe.

* * * * *

We all know that at some point we will lose our parents. I have wondered when and how. This cancer is most likely the way that I will lose my mom.

* * * * *

Something else about the birth: I learned that random scary bad sh*t can and does happen. I think I was crying about that as well the other night. Kind of like my miscarriage before I got pregnant with C. It felt like initiation. I was no longer innocent. I still feel so pessimistic now as a result. While pregnant with C, I had a hard time settling in and just being. Because random scary bad sh*t happens. The way the birth went... random scary bad sh*t.

I have to remind myself that I survived. Because I don't want to be a victim. But I have to say that RSBS is always an option for me in ways it was not before ttc.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

In my eyes you are okay.

My mom is my biggest supporter. I've said to my partner that it really makes a difference in life when you know your mom thinks you are okay. Having a daughter of my own has made me very aware that no one in the world will love me like my mom loves me.

I found out yesterday that my mom may have cancer.

Tomorrow we will know a lot more.

Needless to say I am scared.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Must Share

I have purposely avoided sharing photos in this blog, but I couldn't resist when it came to this one:

with mama

She is about a week old here. I look at the photo, I look at her now, I look at the way she fit in my hand, and I look at her again - she's grown!

I had this photo made into a black & white 8x10.

* * * * * *

Finished reading chapter 2 of the healing birth trauma book, this morning. It was about ptsd and birth. I could relate. I want to post some of my thoughts here, but I am a bit overwhemed with the information.

But I will say this, I went into the birth (even ttc and pregnancy) truly knowing that my body knows what to do. I worry now that I have lost all faith in my body. I hope I can get it back.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Easiest Sunday

It has been a very relaxing Sunday. The iPod has been on all day. Up with C this a.m. while partner A slept in (she worked late last night). Then a friend stopped by with home-made soup and cookies. When she left we did little tasks around the house - little house-keepy type stuff that we've been meaning to do. Taking turns with little C. At one point we broke into spontaneous dance - which made C laugh and laugh. Dinner was yummy. Much laundry is done. *sighs*

Our home is warm today with love and good vibes.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Thank You

People are actually reading this blog. I am finding support as I navigate my way through post-partum healing and whatnot. I just want to say thank you to those who offer supportive commenets. Wow. It means more than you know.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Can I Be Both?

I am reading a self help book about recovering from a traumatic birth.

I read Chapter 1 this morning before C woke up.

I used my highlighter like it was a school project or something.

I want to feel better. I want to incorporate the experience and the scar from the unplanned c-section and the sense that I somehow failed.

I wanted to welcome C into the world calmly, gently, and with ease. Why did that not happen?

People tell me that I should be happy that C is here, alive and well, and to nevermind the birth and how she got here.

Can I be both? Happy - ecstatic, even - that she is here, alive and well... AND sad that things didn't go as planned?

Because today I am both.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

What We Said We'd Do

We are cloth diapering and have been a few weeks.

When we first brought C home I was too overwhelmed to cloth diaper. I was pumping. I was feeling blue. I was exhausted. Plus, little C did not fit into the cloth diapers we have. She had to grow into them - bless her.

I didn't really do my cloth diaper research and didn't know that there were so many hi-tech cloth diapers out there. We bought ours toward the end of my pregnancy at the local big-ish department store. They were made in Canada and they were higher tech than the ones we wore as kids.

Problem is they get wet right through so quickly that we are changing diapers all day. And she doesn't sleep in them - disposables for night time. Disposables for going out time too.

But cloth diapering is no longer overwhelming.

Here is the thing I've noticed about things not quite going to plan (i.e.: the birth), I have been so close to giving up on the other things I wanted to do. I think it is a psychological thing. The birth didn't go to plan so nothing else is or will. I was so close to giving up on breastfeeding - I think partly because of this (faulty) line of thinking.

I remember right after the birth feeling so sad - and partner A said to me, let's do the things we said we'd do. She meant take tiny C for a stroll in the park (I didn't even want to do that).

Cloth diapering happens to be one of the things we said we'd do. So doing it is a sign to me that all is well in the land of PPD and new mamahood.

We happen to already own several diapers in the next size up - I am going to trade those diapers in for more high tech, sleep through the night, go out and about in diapers. I am open to recommendations.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Am I the Only One

Everything seems so long ago, just lately.

Can you relate?

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I am capable

I was thinking about how zen breastfeeding is. Everything you need to feed your baby is right on you, in the perfect amount, perfect temperature, perfect composition. It just seems so zen to me.

Going out and feeding C somewhere - usually the nursing room at the mall - makes me feel so - I don't know - competent and capable.

My mom weaned us at 6 months. C will be 5 months next week. I am nowhere near weaning her in the next month. I can't even begin to imagine it. So I won't.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

No Matter How

I once believed that if I gave birth naturally and non-medicated then and only then would I feel powerful and empowered. Giving birth for me became a medical event. I didn't do it naturally. And while I feel as though I've missed out, I have to say that I am still powerful. Giving birth - growing a baby for 9 months - is powerful. I don't care how it's done. If I continue to believe what I used to believe, then I am not allowing myself to see the courage and strength I possessed that day and in the days that followed. Nor am I allowing myself to see the amazing intuitive sense I had about my body and my baby. No matter how it is done it is a miracle. It is powerful sh*t.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

New and Beautiful

I love that my little one looks so much like me. I love it. And I am blown away by it. My boring features are so beautiful and new when they are on her.

Do I pay special attention to her features because I am her mom - or is it because I used donor sperm to make her- or a little bit of both?

It's funny. Partner A was on the phone with her mum who said she'd hoped that baby C inherited my hair and not partner A's hair... A did not remind her mum that C was conceived using donor sperm.

But here is what is even funnier. Baby C has A's long eyelashes, little chin, and sweet dimples!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I just knew

After the birth I felt I'd lost my connection with my body - that intuitive sense that I could give birth naturally. I worried that maybe I never had that sense. I guess because I'd never had the opportunity to give birth according to my plan. But reflecting the other day I realised that I was intuitive - I was connected - I did have that sense. I knew something was up. And that morning, when I realised that my baby wasn't moving, I could feel that something was up. I just knew.

I used to think the only way I'd feel strong/ powerful/ intuitive/ wise is if I gave birth that way. Now I am seeing that the intuition was always there. I gave birth. My baby is alive today because I just knew it wasn't going according to plan, it wasn't going to happen at home and I was going to need some help.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Happy Birthday Baba!

C and I made a cake for A's birthday which is tomorrow.

baba cake


We met with the developmental resources people this past Thursday. Actually it was a woman and she came to our house. C is looking good and meeting milestones. We will meet with the woman a few more times in C's first year, and then the case will most likely be closed.

I was pretty nervous that morning.

I had to tell C's birth story - or at least the parts that necessitated the developmental resources woman coming out to assess C.

  • On the morning of the day C was born she wasn't moving in utero
  • When my water broke it was dark with meconium
  • She wasn't recovering well when my uterus contracted
  • Emergency c-section
  • I had to go under general anaesthetic because my intake bloodwork indicated infection
  • Her 1 minute apgar was 1 or 2 (at 5 minutes it was 8)
  • She had meconium in her lungs and tummy
  • She was in NICU for 5 days

So yeah I had to share the hard stuff with this woman. And I didn't cry. Believe me I have cried so many times about all of this - to the nurse at the PPD group, to the other women in the PPD group, to my mom, to my therapist, to my best friend over the phone, to my midwife, to my partner, and in the 3am darkness as I fed C... I have felt shame, guilt, anger and just plain sadness. But this time when I told it, I felt pretty calm. I don't think I was numb or removed, because I remember for a fleeting moment feeling proud for us for being so strong and courageous.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Safe in my Arms

We had 4 month shots yesterday. C cried. But not as bad as the 2 month shots. I got to hold her during the shots this time. Maybe that helped. She was much easier to console this time.

I have to admit, I pay attention to how long it takes for her to be consoled by me. I am almost embarrassed to admit that. The reason I do this is because I want her to feel safe with me. Partner A says she has no reason to not feel safe - I know this is true. However, I sometimes think (worry) that because of her difficult birth and her not seeing me for 12+ hours after she was born that she doesn't find comfort in my arms. That we didn't bond.

I am learning that bonding is an on-going process (not just in the 2 minutes after the birth). And in my heart (which is the best place for this kind of thing) I know we've bonded. She does feel safe in my arms.

I used to think that I would've given anything to re-do the birth... given anything so that I could've been there to welcome her into the world, to see her in those minutes that followed the birth. I am quietly accepting that things went the way they did.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

We Have a Tummy Sleeper

It all started when C figured out how to roll over, the other day. That night she was up several times after rolling over and then crying out because she was feeling stuck on her tummy. She didn't (and still doesn't) know how to roll onto her back. We got zero sleep.

By the third night she was content to sleep on her tummy. She got in a record 8 hours worth of uninterrupted sleep. [That was last night]. I went in this morning to find her waking up - on her tummy. She's so clever.

But we do worry. Because babies are not supposed to sleep on their tummies. [We all did, but that was a different time]. I am getting over my worry because I figure if she is choosing her tummy, and not crying out when she is on her tummy, then she must feel comfortable on her tummy.

Another case of C being on her own path in life.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


C turned 4 months today. Today she rolled over - several times - then figured out how to get her arms out in front of her - then pushed up her upper body - several times.

Today she put her toes into her mouth - is that a milestone?

She was also chewing on toys, pacifier, fingers, etc. Teething, perhaps?

She is grabbing at toys now too. Not always efficiently. But grabbing nonetheless.

Most of this happened overnight. Literally.

Incidentally, we are meeting with Developmental Resources people at some point, soon. They are going to assess whether C is meeting milestones. There was some concern about oxygen to her brain due to the meconium in her lungs at birth. Doctors did do an MRI when she was a few days old and said she was "normal," but Developmental Resources scheduled a follow-up anyway. Makes sense. So we shall see.

Sunday, January 6, 2008


In a few days C will be 4 months.

She is laughing more and more now.

Yesterday we baked cookies to share with the neighbours. A wore C in the wrap and we 3 danced to The Sp1ce G1rls, while the cookies cooled. And C just laughed and laughed.

Hearing your baby laugh is wonderful.


Saturday, January 5, 2008

My Heart Hurts

I am sad for Cali at "Creating Motherhood" (

The randomness of TTC has never made sense to me. It is so unfair. And it is a big bunch of crazymaking. We are taught that if you do X Y & Z then you will get A B & C. For some TTC just doesn't work like that.

When we first started - well over 3 years ago - we knew a couple who got pregnant on their first try. Boom! They conceived baby#2 (boom! first try!) before we even got baby #1. And we were happy for them - for one thing it gave us hope and for another they are good people and babies are what they wanted... but I will never understand why some people get pregnant first try and for others it takes years.

We lost a baby. It is like Cali says. There is so much guilt it isn't even funny nor fair. It hurts to watch the beta rise and then fall and never really be enough. It hurts to hear, "there is nothing we can do, you just have to wait." The waiting sucks. All the while having pregnancy symptoms because there is some HcG in your system. Talk about a mindf**k. Cali calls it being unpregnant.

When we found out we were "unpregnant" last October we went to the bookstore. I wanted to see where we were - almost 6 weeks along - so we looked at one of those books that shows the various week by week photos of the developing embryo/ fetus. I personally needed a visual of what I was about to lose.

Partner A was looking through a baby name book, turned to a page and said "look" and she started to point to a name on the page. My eye went to it before her finger did. The name was Micah. We both saw the name and knew that that was the name of the little one we were losing.

A few days later I woke up early in the morning. I felt crampy. I woke A. We went into the bathroom together. I felt my uterus contract and expel the contents. I actually caught the blob of blood and cells in my hand. We looked at it. Cried. And then flushed it. It was an awful feeling. But I really needed to see what I was losing.

I took almost a week off work. I spent that week in bed. It rained the entire week. I remember the house being dark all day because of the clouds covering the sun.

It was a huge loss. I e-mailed my therapist telling her that "I've lost faith." I think I'd begun to lose faith way before the miscarriage. TTC was part of what had me feeling as though I'd lost faith. The sad thing is I don't know if I ever got it back. TTC is about loss. Pieces of me - hope, faith - went with every negative test. [I won't even get into what TTC does to a relationship].

Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade our TTC journey for anything. [I can say this now because we conceived]. I am grateful for Micah - I felt blessed to carry him for those few weeks. [Even then I felt blessed].

And then there is baby C in the other room sleeping. I look at her sometimes and my heart just bursts and I can't hold back the tears. She was well worth the wait.

Right now my heart hurts for Cali. I will light a candle for her.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Weight Check

C went to see the midwife today. Not an appointment we just wanted to use their scales. I don't own a scale myself so I like to use theirs to see if I am losing. And of course I like weighing C to see if she is gaining. And she is. 12lbs 5 oz with clothes on.

Then T, our midwife, came out of an office and chatted with us a bit. I heart T. I really do. She was a major part of one of the biggest most important things I've ever done - pregnancy and birth. She was there when C was born (when I wasn't able to be - and nor was partner A). So T is important. More than she knows. I am actually a bit shy when I get around her. I've made her all big in my mind.

We also purchased car #2! C slept in the cuddly wrap while we were in the dealership - then we nursed in the washroom (it was actually comfy) - then she smiled at all the car dealership people. Now she is home. Tired, yet wide awake... I am nursing her now.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

My Little Grrl is Growing Up

C has grown out of the swaddle. For the last few weeks she has been able to wiggle her way out of her wrap. The other morning I went in and the wrap was covering her face. Somehow she wiggled herself into that position. Not good. So no more swaddle at night. She has slept well. So we can safely say she's grown out of it. (We are still swaddling for naps because she is a light sleeper during the day).

Another thing she has grown out of is this cute little face she used to make. She would purse her lips. I think she was pooping when she did this. But it was so cute. I never caught it on film. Though there is a photo of me making the same face when I was her age. Anyway, she's not makin' the face anymore.

Here is something else that is different. She is almost 4 months old and in the last few days her schedule (not that she was ever on one to begin with) has totally changed. (I suppose "pattern" is a better word than "schedule"). She is sleeping less and eating less (or maybe just getting more food in at a time). Ch ch ch changes.