Saturday, October 4, 2008
I don't like who I have become lately. I am overwhelmed with balancing parenting with work. I have things that need to get done and I am not getting to them. I get up early in the morning and go to work - where the moment I walk in the door I have students following me around/ needing my attention... I have a principal who needs something... and staff in my department who need me... I have e-mails and lessons to plan... and a student teacher who needs something. After work I get home and I talk to A for 15 minutes and then she is out the door. I am with C, who, naturally, needs me - she's my baby. I am tired and drained when I get home. I want to sleep. I want to check out. But I stay present and get lost playing with C. Books and toys. We watch E11en. We eat dinner. We go for a walk or run an errand. Have a bath. Go to sleep. Sometimes she is asleep by 8:15 or 8:30 or 9:30. (She wakes up once more for boob before going to bed for good). Sometimes I have time to run around and do a load of laundry and wash a stack of dishes or sweep the floor or scoop the litter box. Sometimes I get a bunch of things done sometimes I get nothing done. I feel bad when I get nothing done because that means A will have to deal with it the next day or I will deal with it later in the day if A never gets to it. September is over and I am exhausted. I don't know who I am anymore. I have bags under my eyes and more grey hairs. When I finally have a day off - Saturday - I have a huge list of stuff I want to/ need to get done. I wake up with this sinking feeling. Or overwhelmed feeling. Or maybe it is anger or guilt or something. Maybe I am depressed. But whatever I wake up ready to get shit done and I run around at some terrific speed and everything is passing me by. For the past two Saturdays A has been off work. She has noticed that we don't have fun together on days off anymore. She is being honest, she says. I notice it too - so I am not shocked or anything. But I get why my mom was so cranky when I was a kid. She was overwhelmed. She had shit to do. A hasn't been looking forward to our days off together. She is triggered into her own stuff about her parents and how they were. Triggers lead to feelings... and everything else that I don't have the energy to get into here. I listened to what she had to say. I said what I needed to say. I have also put myself down. Called myself a shitty mom and an assh*le and a bunch other un-necessary things. I do that, go inward and blame myself. I don't have the energy anymore. A wants me to ask for help. If there are things she can do for me in the week she wants me to ask. And there are things she can do to help. Asking for help brings up a lot of issues for me. I remember being able to do it all on my own. I pride myself on being independent. It doesn't feel good to turn to someone else. It doesn't feel good to depend. But I can't do this anymore. I want to have fun on days off. I want to go with the flow. I want C to not feel tension like the tension I am surely bringing into the house. The tension I wake up with. The tension I grew up with. I don't want to be my mom. I don't want to be pissy and tired and overwhelmed. I want to be me. I want to like my life again.