Saturday, July 28, 2007

This is a good thing

My mom garage sale shops and finds baby clothes. She washes them up. And gives them to us.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Just thought I'd share.

My boobs are leaking.


I am lazy about housework. I just am. Haven't always been. But I am since becoming pregnant. And I suppose it isn't fair to A.

I want to spend today making burp cloths - then I want to go to the fabric store and get more fabric for burp cloths. I am interested in making my own post-partum pads as well. So maybe the next time I go to the fabric store I'll get what I need for that.

Paid some bills today - that felt good. Soon my credit card debt will be gone.

My ideal day today is one in which I finish burp cloths, tidy up the house, finish pre-reg paperwork for the hospital, and eat well. Oooh maybe I should make some supper for A as well.

Since the midwife appointment this past Tuesday I know that A is thinking a lot about the birth. I think she is anxious.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

34 Week Appointment

34 Week Appointment with the midwife today. Everything looks good.

At one point the midwife said, "Labour is so much FUN!"

And she genuinely meant it.

Monday, July 23, 2007

It's all about the cupcakes...

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

A made these for the baby shower her work people threw for us on Sunday.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Taken a Few Days Before Week 33

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Face my Fears

I have to admit it. I have been in a bit of a funk. I think that I am starting to get nervous about actually giving birth. I can't picture it in my head. Nor should I try, really. My fears are not pin-pointable. And they are leading to nervousness and anxiety. I want to try to shift it all over the next few days and come to some sense of peace. I think it is important that I face my feelings and not resist. I can come out the other side.

Monday, July 16, 2007


I just looked at my pregnancy ticker today - we have 50 days to go.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

TTC Timeline

I originally posted this in Queer_ttc on LiveJournal, after the moderator asked for success stories.

We started ttc in September 2004. [And our estimated due date is September 4, 2007].

We were referred to our local REI clinic. They performed the HSG (found out that left tube was slightly blocked)... and they ran bloodwork (on both of us). I am 34 now - will be 35 in November.

In early 2005 our first three cycles were cancelled. I was ovulating past day 20 and my period started 6-8 days after ovulation. And - they weren't even sure I was ovulating. All three of these cycles were clomid cycles.

By June 2005 I was ready to take a break. I started acupuncture. We got legally married in September 2005. From September 2005 to February 2006 I attended a once a month therapy retreat type thingy and I did a lot of work around ttc, motherhood, childhood issues, etc.

After the therapy retreat thingy I started full force on ttc. The first try in 2006 (I think March) was non-medicated... I ovulated later (day 20-ish) but surged wonderfully all on my own. (Acupuncture, I believe, helped... and perhaps all that damn therapy as well...) I was put on progesterone because my luteal phase was short.

The next try (I think in May 2006) was medicated - I was shooting up Puregon and triggering with HcG. Clinic did almost daily bloodwork and bunches of transvaginal ultrasounds. I ovulated earlier (day 15-ish) and still took the progesterone.

The next try was in June/ July - same thing as the try in May. Not getting pregnant was particularly devastating for this try. I am a teacher, I was off for the summer and I was thinking that because my stress load had decreased surely I'd be pregnant by the time I returned to school in the fall, right? Wrong. I remember us eating cheeseburgers the day the beta came back negative.

We switched donors - mainly because we'd run out of the one we were using and he was no longer available - for our September 2006 try. [By the way, we went through 4 donors total - but only used 2]. I was back in work. Coming in close to the morning bell on bloodwork days and missing every other morning for ultrasounds - feeling stressed. I had a student teacher, more stress. But in early October we found out we were pregnant. [I had tested too early and thought for sure the cycle was bust - we even began researching other options...] Less than two weeks later I miscarried. Oh, and I should point out that the timing for the insemination was changed from 24 hours after trigger shot to 36 hours after the trigger shot - really the only difference.

On November 27 my period returned post-m/c. This to me was good news. The clinic stops taking Day 1 calls on December 1st so that they can have most procedures done by X-mas and New Year so people can take a holiday. I shot up the Puregon and ended up surging on my own. [I did ovulate from the left side, which apparently had a block, according to HSG, and was advised to cancel the cycle - but chose not to...] We did a pee test on Boxing Day and found out I was pregnant... I'll never forget that day - we danced around the bathroom. I had to wait for the beta results because the clinic was closed - so even though I had the blood drawn for the beta we had to wait until well after the new year for the number. [It was a difficult time because I kept thinking I'd miscarry before we got the results - based on what happened in October...] Anyway, the day 18 beta was 936. A lovely number. Lovely compared to my day 18 in October.

I had some spotting at various points in this pregnancy - which is scary. I've had 4 months of evening sickness. Now I am feeling pretty good. Most days I feel amazing and blessed. While I was sick in those early months my partner took good care of me and painted/decorated the nursery - she did a bunch of odd jobs around the house - and basically nested her ass off. We've paid off a lot of our debt. I am now off for the summer (and the next school year)... and now we wait.

I am glad we stuck with it. I am glad we turned to each other when times got tough - and times did get tough, that's for sure. I am glad that I took breaks as well. At the time I didn't want to take a break - but knew that somehow it would be a good thing. I am glad that we did our best to feel our feelings each time the test came back negative. Because we really grew a lot in this process - and feeling the feelings helped with the growth. When I look back I really believe we had to go through all that we went through - including the miscarriage. We've become closer, and stronger. It helped us to look at it all as a ladder - each test, try, the miscarriage, etc. is a step on the ladder bringing us closer to the top.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Have Felt Better and Other News

32 weeks yesterday. And I have had a headache since yesterday afternoon. It was really bad this a.m. so I took 2 regular strength ty1eno1. It didn't go away. So I paged the midwife - because headache that doesn't go away is on the list of things to page about. So I am going in at 3 to have my blood pressure and urine checked.

And even though I am in an air conditioned house I am very aware that it is hot outside. My feet are swelling a bit, and I am just generally feeling that muggy fatigued feeling.

ETA: BP 120 over 70, no protein in urine... just a headache. Maybe a tension headache.

* * * * *

In other news, I went to therapy yesterday morning. Pre-headache. We talked about many things.

A few nights ago A and I were in bed chit-chatting about the future as we were falling asleep. A said, "Soon it won't be just the two of us anymore." I felt sad. Then I felt guilty for feeling sad. I am happy and excited for the future. I can't wait to meet our baby. I can't wait to be a mom. I love that we are having the opportunity to raise a child together. After 10 years together - 10 years! - I feel like I might miss just the two of us. And I can't see what the future holds - I can only guess. I will miss the way we talk about everything. I will miss the way we know each other. Will we still have that? So I talked about this in therapy. I couldn't believe how much I cried. I felt guilty. I feel guilty.

Therapist said the guilt and the sadness are acceptable - and make sense. She made practical suggestions about date nights and babysitters and time together, etc. She talked about how in our society couples put the kids first and then lose track of each other over the years - feel lonely as a result. She talked about how she deals with couples who are finished raising the kids - and they struggle because they are strangers to each other when the kids move out, or they have affairs because someone else is paying attention to them.

One thing that she said that really stands out now: "It is important to continue to nurture the relationship you two have with each other, as it will contribute deeply to your success as parents and your child's overall well-being."

Makes sense. We came together because of love. We wanted to make a family because of our love. Our baby is made from our love. So let's keep that love alive.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Lots of Girl Babies

Lots of babies born lately. I am not ready. I am enjoying being pregnant. I am enjoying the kicking and the feeling of it in me. I have over 8 weeks to go.

A lot of girl babies being born. Statistically - does that mean I'm having a boy. You know it should be 50-50 in any given population, right. Maybe that doesn't make sense. But that is what I am thinking about.

Finally, I read over my last post. I need to be careful what I say - what I put out there. I may need medication and intervention when I give birth. I have to be flexible. And of course keep in mind safety. Right? Anything is possible.

We did however buy our pool for the birth last night.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Fears, Myths, and the Mail Box

Therapy today. We did more hypnobirthing work. Last time it was all about releasing fear around the birthing process. And this time it was about numbing body parts through self-hypnosis. I have no idea if hypnobirthing will work at this point. I am way open to it. And so is A. But... who knows? I am reading the hypnobirthing book right now and I am finding it very interesting. So I shall stick with it.

With regard to fear, I have to say that the pre-natal classes didn't help. They were very much along the non-medicated, natural, normal birth path. Medications, interventions, and complications had to be covered. I had no idea what all existed in the world of complicated birth. For example, I had no idea a urinary catheter was needed for an epidural. Makes sense, but... yuck! Needless to say, my fear level has gone up. A bit.

The other thing that came up in the pre-natal classes was all the myths people have around midwifery. We were the only ones with a midwife. And so many people - make that everyone there except the people teaching the classes - believed midwife was synonomous with homebirth. "Oh, we thought about a midwife but we didn't want a homebirth for our first one..." When we started with our midwife we were pretty set on having a hospital birth and it was never questioned. Midwives seem to listen to what you want and work with you. Eventually we got the idea of a home water birth. Our midwife has watched us evolve and has supported us accordingly. Oh well. It is interesting.

In other news, the Dunstan Baby dvd arrived today. I want to watch it now. But I will wait for A to get home.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

31 Week Appointment with the Midwife

Met with the midwife today. 31 weeks.
  • I measured 32 weeks.
  • BP, good.
  • Urine, good.
  • Weight, 27 pounds gained so far.
  • My iron is back up.
  • Like the big 20 week ultrasound, the 29 1/2 week ultrasound did not show the fibroids.
  • Everything looks good with the baby - except bladder was enlarged, but for now not a huge concern.
  • We talked more about a home water birth.
  • Also found out that the midwife will give us the paperwork to start the birth certificate sometime before the birth.

She palpated my uterus and discovered that the baby's head is down. And it's back is to my front. Excellent position. Then she let A have a feel and explained what she was feeling for.