Friday, February 29, 2008

Micah's Bright Light

micah's bright light

I was honoured to carry you for even that short time, Micah.

You brought an amazing amount of joy to us.

I still feel the loss of you.

I also feel intense love for you.

I always remember you as bright bright light.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Back to Earth

I realised how far away I was becoming when I was day dreaming about baby #2 and what life will be like then. I brought myself back to earth when I became aware that life then will not be like I imagine it now. And honestly thinking about baby #2 is not what I should be doing now. We are both doing it - thinking about baby #2 - and I wonder why that is. Is it the sperm storage bill? Is it that baby #1 is almost 6 months and life is feeling normal again? Or did we just love the ttc days so much that we are eager to go back there?! Ha! I don't know - whatever - I plan to just focus on the here and now. In this moment, anyway.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Number 2

We got the bill for sperm storage last week. $200 for 2 vials for 1 year. Getting the bill got me thinking about TTC baby #2. I had a c-section so I need to wait 2 years. Especially if I want a VBAC. So then I start thinking about my age in 2 years, the size of our house, and the TTC process. I want baby #2 to be related to baby #1. We have the last 2 vials of the stuff that made baby #1. I have a 100% success rate with this donor. But could we get pregnant with baby #2 with just 2 tries? TTC is hard. So I am going to stop thinking about it.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The 6 Month Assessment

The developmental resources case worker came out today to assess baby C. This is part of her birth follow-up. This was the second meeting with the case worker. C is 5 1/2 months old and the 6 month assessment was used. She's meeting most milestones.

Then C and I went to the mall to get ingredients for banana muffins. This is the mall that has underground parking - so we never really have to bundle up and I can put her in the wrap just outside the car. This is also the mall that has a grocery store attached to it - so we can get our bananas and whatnot for our muffins. This is also the mall with so many elderly people who smile at C. She smiles back. Seriously she is more likely to smile big at a lovely worn face than any other kind of face.

She is asleep at my boob right now - I am typing with one hand - bless her. And when she wakes up, it'll be muffin time!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

You think you have it all figured out.

Just when you think you've got your baby's schedule/patterns figured out she goes and changes them! Ha!

Monday, February 18, 2008


Partner A is off work for three whole days in a row. I am so enjoying our time together.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Not to rush things along, but...

I am sooooooo looking forward to Spring. Not to rush things along, but seriously. I can't wait to feel green grass between my toes and the sun on my nose. [Look at me, rhyming!!] I look forward to going for long walks with C and stopping to nurse her on a bench somewhere. Won't that be lovely? And simply relaxing in our backyard.


Saturday, February 16, 2008

Herstory Repeats Itself

So I am reading this book on recovering emotionally from complicated birth and I am in like chapter 3 or 4. The author talks about history repeating itself. Or in this case herstory repeating itself. Apparently the idea is that we are inclined to give birth much in the way we were born. Or, in the very least there are common themes. Birth as narrative? Or, we do what we know.

The author talks about rebirthing work. This is where you combine breath work with hypnotherapy and you go back to your own birth. When I was somewhere in the middle of ttc I had the opportunity to do rebirthing work. To this day I still find it all dubious - if that makes sense. I mean, really(?) you can go back to your own birth?! When I went back, I found myself having a hard time being born and feeling sluggish and afraid that I was going to die.

Herstory repeating itself.

My mom opted for a natural hospital birth in 1972. I was her third. She's been through it before. Laboured at home. Was only in the hospital for 2 hours before I was born just after 9am. The night before, labour had started and her doctor told her to have a glass of wine to take the edge off. She drank an entire bottle of cherry liquor. She tells the story and finds it funny. [By the way, my mom is not a drinker at all ever].

So that explains the sluggishness and the fear about dying. I was drunk while trying to be born.

Fast forward to September 2007. I know that just before the general anesthesia kicked in I was afraid we were both going to die. I'm sure when the anesthesia traveled through the cord baby C started to feel the effects and quite possibly thought she was going to die. She was already dealing with thick meconium, and had stopped moving. She came out needing resuscitation.

Needless to say, I feel horrible that she had to go through that. That is a whole other post.

Prior to giving birth, I had done some work in therapy around my own birth memories. But really gave it no thought as I prepared for birth. I had worked on pain management techniques and visualisation. But I never really addressed the way my own birth shaped how I felt about giving birth. I have to say I went into it feeling confident about my body's intuition and wisdom. I also felt confident that baby knows what to do too. My goal was to go with the flow. My plan was a home birth. Perhaps I was avoiding the memories of my own birth. But it never seemed relevant.

This is me reflecting and making sense, coming to terms and making peace.

Now what do I do with this idea of herstory repeating itself? What do I do now that I can link my own birth with C's birth? Can I somehow make it so C doesn't have to give birth the way she was born?

Baby Wearing Rawks!

I love love LOVE wearing baby C. Love it. Our wrap was the best shower gift ever. Went to the mall today. Wore her inward facing. So cuddly. She was so content. She talks, hums, squeals, and generally makes noise on a regular basis. It was just so funny to hear her squealing from the wrap at the mall.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

When and How

For over a year my mom has had pain in her shoulder. Originally doctors thought it had to do with her diabetes (adult onset). When the pain became unbearable in the last few weeks, she went to her doctor. The MRI showed something and she was referred to an oncologist. A biopsy this morning confirmed cancer.


From just outside the hospital, my dad called on his cell to say it's good news but not 100% good news. Good news because it can be treated and controlled. The bad news - he didn't share the bad news - I had to g0o0g1e for the bad news. Specifically, there is no cure and most people die within 3 to 5 years of diagnosis.

* * * * *

Two nights ago - after hearing she may have cancer - I had an intense flash back of giving birth to C. Before I was knocked out. In my flash back I recalled the intense fear that I was about to die and so was my baby (who had stopped moving earlier in the day). Everything moved so fast once my water broke and we saw just how thick it was with meconium. I honestly had no time to acknowledge my fear(s), between that and the contractions. We had to get out of our house and to the hospital. Period.

Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep - quietly, so as not to wake baby C in the other room - and A was in bed next to me, fetching tissues and listening to me whisper about my feelings.

I am afraid to lose my mom.

When I was in labour at the hospital I remember being surprised at the sudden realisation that I wanted my mom there. And the next day, when she was there I felt so happy. And safe.

* * * * *

We all know that at some point we will lose our parents. I have wondered when and how. This cancer is most likely the way that I will lose my mom.

* * * * *

Something else about the birth: I learned that random scary bad sh*t can and does happen. I think I was crying about that as well the other night. Kind of like my miscarriage before I got pregnant with C. It felt like initiation. I was no longer innocent. I still feel so pessimistic now as a result. While pregnant with C, I had a hard time settling in and just being. Because random scary bad sh*t happens. The way the birth went... random scary bad sh*t.

I have to remind myself that I survived. Because I don't want to be a victim. But I have to say that RSBS is always an option for me in ways it was not before ttc.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

In my eyes you are okay.

My mom is my biggest supporter. I've said to my partner that it really makes a difference in life when you know your mom thinks you are okay. Having a daughter of my own has made me very aware that no one in the world will love me like my mom loves me.

I found out yesterday that my mom may have cancer.

Tomorrow we will know a lot more.

Needless to say I am scared.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Must Share

I have purposely avoided sharing photos in this blog, but I couldn't resist when it came to this one:

with mama

She is about a week old here. I look at the photo, I look at her now, I look at the way she fit in my hand, and I look at her again - she's grown!

I had this photo made into a black & white 8x10.

* * * * * *

Finished reading chapter 2 of the healing birth trauma book, this morning. It was about ptsd and birth. I could relate. I want to post some of my thoughts here, but I am a bit overwhemed with the information.

But I will say this, I went into the birth (even ttc and pregnancy) truly knowing that my body knows what to do. I worry now that I have lost all faith in my body. I hope I can get it back.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Easiest Sunday

It has been a very relaxing Sunday. The iPod has been on all day. Up with C this a.m. while partner A slept in (she worked late last night). Then a friend stopped by with home-made soup and cookies. When she left we did little tasks around the house - little house-keepy type stuff that we've been meaning to do. Taking turns with little C. At one point we broke into spontaneous dance - which made C laugh and laugh. Dinner was yummy. Much laundry is done. *sighs*

Our home is warm today with love and good vibes.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Thank You

People are actually reading this blog. I am finding support as I navigate my way through post-partum healing and whatnot. I just want to say thank you to those who offer supportive commenets. Wow. It means more than you know.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Can I Be Both?

I am reading a self help book about recovering from a traumatic birth.

I read Chapter 1 this morning before C woke up.

I used my highlighter like it was a school project or something.

I want to feel better. I want to incorporate the experience and the scar from the unplanned c-section and the sense that I somehow failed.

I wanted to welcome C into the world calmly, gently, and with ease. Why did that not happen?

People tell me that I should be happy that C is here, alive and well, and to nevermind the birth and how she got here.

Can I be both? Happy - ecstatic, even - that she is here, alive and well... AND sad that things didn't go as planned?

Because today I am both.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

What We Said We'd Do

We are cloth diapering and have been a few weeks.

When we first brought C home I was too overwhelmed to cloth diaper. I was pumping. I was feeling blue. I was exhausted. Plus, little C did not fit into the cloth diapers we have. She had to grow into them - bless her.

I didn't really do my cloth diaper research and didn't know that there were so many hi-tech cloth diapers out there. We bought ours toward the end of my pregnancy at the local big-ish department store. They were made in Canada and they were higher tech than the ones we wore as kids.

Problem is they get wet right through so quickly that we are changing diapers all day. And she doesn't sleep in them - disposables for night time. Disposables for going out time too.

But cloth diapering is no longer overwhelming.

Here is the thing I've noticed about things not quite going to plan (i.e.: the birth), I have been so close to giving up on the other things I wanted to do. I think it is a psychological thing. The birth didn't go to plan so nothing else is or will. I was so close to giving up on breastfeeding - I think partly because of this (faulty) line of thinking.

I remember right after the birth feeling so sad - and partner A said to me, let's do the things we said we'd do. She meant take tiny C for a stroll in the park (I didn't even want to do that).

Cloth diapering happens to be one of the things we said we'd do. So doing it is a sign to me that all is well in the land of PPD and new mamahood.

We happen to already own several diapers in the next size up - I am going to trade those diapers in for more high tech, sleep through the night, go out and about in diapers. I am open to recommendations.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Am I the Only One

Everything seems so long ago, just lately.

Can you relate?

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I am capable

I was thinking about how zen breastfeeding is. Everything you need to feed your baby is right on you, in the perfect amount, perfect temperature, perfect composition. It just seems so zen to me.

Going out and feeding C somewhere - usually the nursing room at the mall - makes me feel so - I don't know - competent and capable.

My mom weaned us at 6 months. C will be 5 months next week. I am nowhere near weaning her in the next month. I can't even begin to imagine it. So I won't.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

No Matter How

I once believed that if I gave birth naturally and non-medicated then and only then would I feel powerful and empowered. Giving birth for me became a medical event. I didn't do it naturally. And while I feel as though I've missed out, I have to say that I am still powerful. Giving birth - growing a baby for 9 months - is powerful. I don't care how it's done. If I continue to believe what I used to believe, then I am not allowing myself to see the courage and strength I possessed that day and in the days that followed. Nor am I allowing myself to see the amazing intuitive sense I had about my body and my baby. No matter how it is done it is a miracle. It is powerful sh*t.