Went back to therapy the other day and I will go back again at the end of the month. I didn't think I was ready to go back. Now I feel hope because I am going back. Hope like I haven't felt hope in a long time.
Trying not to count days/ weeks left until I go back to work. Suffice to say, it's less than one month. I have less than a month of 24-7 time with my little C. I feel sad about this. But it will be nice to be able to eat lunch at the same time everyday and talk to big people.
We went to the library yesterday and I was taking it all in with her. She quietly stares at the little kids playing and gets wide-eyed and expansive at the trees in the reading garden (which was open yesterday for the first time - lovely).
Must go. I have diapers to retrieve from the dryer, to fold and put away.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Not Ready to Make Nice
I go back to therapy next month.
After giving birth and going to a few therapy sessions I decided to take a break from therapy. Because all it was doing was wiping me out and making me cry more. I know that I had feelings that needed to be explored, post-partum-ly, but... it wasn't helping. So a break I took. Am I going back to therapy for good? Probably not. A. it is expensive for a woman making 1/2 her salary on maternity leave. There are 101 more things I could spend my money on... like bills. B. I am still not in the mood for therapy. I don't want to talk about it all. I don't want to explore my feelings. [At least not there].
When I left therapy - when I decided to take a break - I found that I was feeling very angry with the whole therapeutic process. I've spent 6 years in therapy. I was angry with it because it was my involvement in my own healing process that led me to want a natural birth... led me to believe I was powerful enough and capable enough to give birth that way. I know now that it is more complex than this and that my anger at the process is maybe a bit misguided and that anger probably needs to be explored. But... I don't want to go back, so I won't. I mean, I will go back for that May appointment, but I am not going back for good.
Okay that is all.
P.S. Taking a break has been a good thing - I have witnessed myself dealing and growing and integrating... and I have been quite proud at my self-awareness.
* * * * *
In other news, Spring has sprung. Lovely lovely lovely spring. Soon I will sink my toes into green grass.
After giving birth and going to a few therapy sessions I decided to take a break from therapy. Because all it was doing was wiping me out and making me cry more. I know that I had feelings that needed to be explored, post-partum-ly, but... it wasn't helping. So a break I took. Am I going back to therapy for good? Probably not. A. it is expensive for a woman making 1/2 her salary on maternity leave. There are 101 more things I could spend my money on... like bills. B. I am still not in the mood for therapy. I don't want to talk about it all. I don't want to explore my feelings. [At least not there].
When I left therapy - when I decided to take a break - I found that I was feeling very angry with the whole therapeutic process. I've spent 6 years in therapy. I was angry with it because it was my involvement in my own healing process that led me to want a natural birth... led me to believe I was powerful enough and capable enough to give birth that way. I know now that it is more complex than this and that my anger at the process is maybe a bit misguided and that anger probably needs to be explored. But... I don't want to go back, so I won't. I mean, I will go back for that May appointment, but I am not going back for good.
Okay that is all.
P.S. Taking a break has been a good thing - I have witnessed myself dealing and growing and integrating... and I have been quite proud at my self-awareness.
* * * * *
In other news, Spring has sprung. Lovely lovely lovely spring. Soon I will sink my toes into green grass.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Herstory Repeats Itself
So I am reading this book on recovering emotionally from complicated birth and I am in like chapter 3 or 4. The author talks about history repeating itself. Or in this case herstory repeating itself. Apparently the idea is that we are inclined to give birth much in the way we were born. Or, in the very least there are common themes. Birth as narrative? Or, we do what we know.
The author talks about rebirthing work. This is where you combine breath work with hypnotherapy and you go back to your own birth. When I was somewhere in the middle of ttc I had the opportunity to do rebirthing work. To this day I still find it all dubious - if that makes sense. I mean, really(?) you can go back to your own birth?! When I went back, I found myself having a hard time being born and feeling sluggish and afraid that I was going to die.
Herstory repeating itself.
My mom opted for a natural hospital birth in 1972. I was her third. She's been through it before. Laboured at home. Was only in the hospital for 2 hours before I was born just after 9am. The night before, labour had started and her doctor told her to have a glass of wine to take the edge off. She drank an entire bottle of cherry liquor. She tells the story and finds it funny. [By the way, my mom is not a drinker at all ever].
So that explains the sluggishness and the fear about dying. I was drunk while trying to be born.
Fast forward to September 2007. I know that just before the general anesthesia kicked in I was afraid we were both going to die. I'm sure when the anesthesia traveled through the cord baby C started to feel the effects and quite possibly thought she was going to die. She was already dealing with thick meconium, and had stopped moving. She came out needing resuscitation.
Needless to say, I feel horrible that she had to go through that. That is a whole other post.
Prior to giving birth, I had done some work in therapy around my own birth memories. But really gave it no thought as I prepared for birth. I had worked on pain management techniques and visualisation. But I never really addressed the way my own birth shaped how I felt about giving birth. I have to say I went into it feeling confident about my body's intuition and wisdom. I also felt confident that baby knows what to do too. My goal was to go with the flow. My plan was a home birth. Perhaps I was avoiding the memories of my own birth. But it never seemed relevant.
This is me reflecting and making sense, coming to terms and making peace.
Now what do I do with this idea of herstory repeating itself? What do I do now that I can link my own birth with C's birth? Can I somehow make it so C doesn't have to give birth the way she was born?
The author talks about rebirthing work. This is where you combine breath work with hypnotherapy and you go back to your own birth. When I was somewhere in the middle of ttc I had the opportunity to do rebirthing work. To this day I still find it all dubious - if that makes sense. I mean, really(?) you can go back to your own birth?! When I went back, I found myself having a hard time being born and feeling sluggish and afraid that I was going to die.
Herstory repeating itself.
My mom opted for a natural hospital birth in 1972. I was her third. She's been through it before. Laboured at home. Was only in the hospital for 2 hours before I was born just after 9am. The night before, labour had started and her doctor told her to have a glass of wine to take the edge off. She drank an entire bottle of cherry liquor. She tells the story and finds it funny. [By the way, my mom is not a drinker at all ever].
So that explains the sluggishness and the fear about dying. I was drunk while trying to be born.
Fast forward to September 2007. I know that just before the general anesthesia kicked in I was afraid we were both going to die. I'm sure when the anesthesia traveled through the cord baby C started to feel the effects and quite possibly thought she was going to die. She was already dealing with thick meconium, and had stopped moving. She came out needing resuscitation.
Needless to say, I feel horrible that she had to go through that. That is a whole other post.
Prior to giving birth, I had done some work in therapy around my own birth memories. But really gave it no thought as I prepared for birth. I had worked on pain management techniques and visualisation. But I never really addressed the way my own birth shaped how I felt about giving birth. I have to say I went into it feeling confident about my body's intuition and wisdom. I also felt confident that baby knows what to do too. My goal was to go with the flow. My plan was a home birth. Perhaps I was avoiding the memories of my own birth. But it never seemed relevant.
This is me reflecting and making sense, coming to terms and making peace.
Now what do I do with this idea of herstory repeating itself? What do I do now that I can link my own birth with C's birth? Can I somehow make it so C doesn't have to give birth the way she was born?
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Post-Therapy Reflection
The birth experience was really hard for me and I keep going back to it in therapy.
I wanted to bring Carys into the world gently and calmly. I wanted to be present when she came in to the world. I wanted A (my partner) there. To greet her, for us both to marvel at the birth of our daughter in those moments after she came into the world. I wanted to hold her and nurse her right away.
I had an easy pregnancy once things got going and I surrendered to it. I felt amazingly healthy. I ate well. I moved my body. I relaxed often. I loved to feel her kicking. I loved watching body change. I loved sharing this experience with my partner.
Together we practiced hypnobirthing - self hypnosis to manage pain during birth. We had to do meditation together nightly as part of the practice. We chose music for the birthing that would have a calming effect on me.
With my group week after week I talked about how I wanted a calm birth, no intervention, non-medicated. And everyone in my group supported me in that.
L (my therapist) reminds me how I like to be in control. I like to plan. I make lists. I organize my world. I make things predictable. She tells me that you can't control birth (like I couldn't control getting pregnant)... and I can't control my child. Carys' path involves being born her way, the way she was born. Carys is already on her path and proved that to her mom and baba in a major way on September 8.
Because I like to control, however, I have started to blame myself for how the birth went. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with my body? Was it because when the contractions came they were so hard and so fast that I got scared? Did I scare my little baby because I couldn't cope? Or was it something that I did or didn't do before that day - something I did in the pregnancy? Because blaming myself is about feeling responsible and feeling responsible is about control, in this situation anyway.
And if I am to accept that I am not responsible for how the birth went that day; If I am to accept that shit sometimes happens no matter what you plan and practice for, then I have to accept that the world is a very unpredictable place. Very unpredictable. Where little baby girls are born without heartbeats and not breathing in limp bodies. She lived - but she might not have, that is how unpredictable the world is. Unpredictable is fucking scary. I mean how am I going to keep this little girl safe and well in this unpredictable world? I am overwhelmed.
I used to be very controlling in my relationship with A. She went to therapy and really started calling me out. It was hard. But I remember the day that I stopped trying to control. I realised that she was a individual separate from me and I felt relieved that I no longer had to tell her what to do and how to do it. When I realised that and felt the intense relief it was hard to go back. From that moment on the intimacy between us grew because we were on common ground, I was no longer responsible for her, she felt safe to be (defenses went down), I felt her honesty, etc. A viscous cycle stopped.
Thinking about how I was controlling in my relationship and how I learned to stop seems like a good place to start as I try to make sense of my feelings around birth experience. I just don't know where to start.
A has a different take on the whole experience - yes she would have preferred to be there when our daughter came into the world - however, she believes that the universe actually picked us up and carried us in its arms and finally set us down when Carys was well. We were cared for. We made it through. She is here with us. A never believed we could control the birth - from the very first day we knew I was pregnant she went for the ride and took every day as it came. She had no expectations for the birth. She practiced hypnobirthing with me because I wanted to, it was a fun way for us to connect, and maybe it would come in handy. [I wish sometimes I could be more like A].
I wanted to bring Carys into the world gently and calmly. I wanted to be present when she came in to the world. I wanted A (my partner) there. To greet her, for us both to marvel at the birth of our daughter in those moments after she came into the world. I wanted to hold her and nurse her right away.
I had an easy pregnancy once things got going and I surrendered to it. I felt amazingly healthy. I ate well. I moved my body. I relaxed often. I loved to feel her kicking. I loved watching body change. I loved sharing this experience with my partner.
Together we practiced hypnobirthing - self hypnosis to manage pain during birth. We had to do meditation together nightly as part of the practice. We chose music for the birthing that would have a calming effect on me.
With my group week after week I talked about how I wanted a calm birth, no intervention, non-medicated. And everyone in my group supported me in that.
L (my therapist) reminds me how I like to be in control. I like to plan. I make lists. I organize my world. I make things predictable. She tells me that you can't control birth (like I couldn't control getting pregnant)... and I can't control my child. Carys' path involves being born her way, the way she was born. Carys is already on her path and proved that to her mom and baba in a major way on September 8.
Because I like to control, however, I have started to blame myself for how the birth went. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with my body? Was it because when the contractions came they were so hard and so fast that I got scared? Did I scare my little baby because I couldn't cope? Or was it something that I did or didn't do before that day - something I did in the pregnancy? Because blaming myself is about feeling responsible and feeling responsible is about control, in this situation anyway.
And if I am to accept that I am not responsible for how the birth went that day; If I am to accept that shit sometimes happens no matter what you plan and practice for, then I have to accept that the world is a very unpredictable place. Very unpredictable. Where little baby girls are born without heartbeats and not breathing in limp bodies. She lived - but she might not have, that is how unpredictable the world is. Unpredictable is fucking scary. I mean how am I going to keep this little girl safe and well in this unpredictable world? I am overwhelmed.
I used to be very controlling in my relationship with A. She went to therapy and really started calling me out. It was hard. But I remember the day that I stopped trying to control. I realised that she was a individual separate from me and I felt relieved that I no longer had to tell her what to do and how to do it. When I realised that and felt the intense relief it was hard to go back. From that moment on the intimacy between us grew because we were on common ground, I was no longer responsible for her, she felt safe to be (defenses went down), I felt her honesty, etc. A viscous cycle stopped.
Thinking about how I was controlling in my relationship and how I learned to stop seems like a good place to start as I try to make sense of my feelings around birth experience. I just don't know where to start.
A has a different take on the whole experience - yes she would have preferred to be there when our daughter came into the world - however, she believes that the universe actually picked us up and carried us in its arms and finally set us down when Carys was well. We were cared for. We made it through. She is here with us. A never believed we could control the birth - from the very first day we knew I was pregnant she went for the ride and took every day as it came. She had no expectations for the birth. She practiced hypnobirthing with me because I wanted to, it was a fun way for us to connect, and maybe it would come in handy. [I wish sometimes I could be more like A].
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Term!
Today = TERM!
Last therapy appointment for awhile today. A few sessions ago I'd indicated to L that I will probably not be doing therapy until the new year - mainly for financial reasons... (I am going on mat leave and so is A and we will have less $$$).
We talked today about how in therapy I've felt like I've had nothing to work on really - and that I've been feeling that way for the last 6 months. In the last 3 months we've done a lot of hypno-birthing work and not necessarily the "real work" of therapy. She also said that in many ways we haven't done the "real work" of therapy because she hasn't pushed it - pregnancy is a unique time to focus inward in different ways that traditional therapy. She suggested however that after the baby is born I may feel like there is work to be done again. At the very least, processing the birth itself is important. I get that.
We also talked about my tendancy toward depression and how it may/ may not manifest itself after giving birth. We talked about the time of the year - I'll be giving birth in September and by November winter will set in... and winter in London, Ontario can be hard and depressing. I talked about how work has always "saved" me from "winter blues" in many ways because in teaching I had purpose and on long cold days I could get lost in lesson planning and then get out of the house 5 days a week to teach exciting lessons and get students going on interesting projects.
I suppose as a mother my purpose will still be there - but different.
We talked about getting me out of the house. To which I said, "I hate the cold - I hate the snow..." And I anticipate not having a lot of money... so what does one do on a cold day with little money? She waited as though I'd answer that question myself. But I asked her again, "Really... what does one do on a cold day with little money and an infant?" She suggested taking an infant massage class - I like that idea (though I think it might be expensive). And I know that the doula centre very near my house offers infant massage. What about a trip to the library? Central library is huge and has great parking and good food in their cafe... I love the library system here. I could sit and read with our baby in a sling. Perhaps I should start putting books on hold. Swimming or a Mom and Baby Yoga class? (Expensive - maybe).
Something else she asked me: Are you okay with telling A that you don't have all the answers when it comes to dealing with an infant? I think I am. She asked this because she knows that I can be intellectual and a perfectionist. That dealing with an infant is unpredictable and that they don't come with instruction books. She reminded me that when I started teaching and was in a classroom for the first time not a lot from teacher's college applied and there was a learning curve to deal with. Caring for an infant is the same thing. Theory and practice can overlap but usually don't. She also knows that I can kick my own ass if I am "not doing it right." That I can get down on myself if I don't have the answers and/or feel a certain level of competency. I tend to turn inward when I am struggling with something. She knows this.
But you know what? I am so glad that A is off for the first 3 months. We can definitely figure this out together.
Last therapy appointment for awhile today. A few sessions ago I'd indicated to L that I will probably not be doing therapy until the new year - mainly for financial reasons... (I am going on mat leave and so is A and we will have less $$$).
We talked today about how in therapy I've felt like I've had nothing to work on really - and that I've been feeling that way for the last 6 months. In the last 3 months we've done a lot of hypno-birthing work and not necessarily the "real work" of therapy. She also said that in many ways we haven't done the "real work" of therapy because she hasn't pushed it - pregnancy is a unique time to focus inward in different ways that traditional therapy. She suggested however that after the baby is born I may feel like there is work to be done again. At the very least, processing the birth itself is important. I get that.
We also talked about my tendancy toward depression and how it may/ may not manifest itself after giving birth. We talked about the time of the year - I'll be giving birth in September and by November winter will set in... and winter in London, Ontario can be hard and depressing. I talked about how work has always "saved" me from "winter blues" in many ways because in teaching I had purpose and on long cold days I could get lost in lesson planning and then get out of the house 5 days a week to teach exciting lessons and get students going on interesting projects.
I suppose as a mother my purpose will still be there - but different.
We talked about getting me out of the house. To which I said, "I hate the cold - I hate the snow..." And I anticipate not having a lot of money... so what does one do on a cold day with little money? She waited as though I'd answer that question myself. But I asked her again, "Really... what does one do on a cold day with little money and an infant?" She suggested taking an infant massage class - I like that idea (though I think it might be expensive). And I know that the doula centre very near my house offers infant massage. What about a trip to the library? Central library is huge and has great parking and good food in their cafe... I love the library system here. I could sit and read with our baby in a sling. Perhaps I should start putting books on hold. Swimming or a Mom and Baby Yoga class? (Expensive - maybe).
Something else she asked me: Are you okay with telling A that you don't have all the answers when it comes to dealing with an infant? I think I am. She asked this because she knows that I can be intellectual and a perfectionist. That dealing with an infant is unpredictable and that they don't come with instruction books. She reminded me that when I started teaching and was in a classroom for the first time not a lot from teacher's college applied and there was a learning curve to deal with. Caring for an infant is the same thing. Theory and practice can overlap but usually don't. She also knows that I can kick my own ass if I am "not doing it right." That I can get down on myself if I don't have the answers and/or feel a certain level of competency. I tend to turn inward when I am struggling with something. She knows this.
But you know what? I am so glad that A is off for the first 3 months. We can definitely figure this out together.
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