Things get put on hold whilst one is ttc. We are talking about when we'd like to start ttc for #2. And we are going for sooner rather than later. But we have a trip planned for England for next July. 7-8 hour flight. Plus 3 or so hour car journey. Can one fly whilst pregnant? You can, but not after 36 weeks. You can, if your pregnancy is a healthy one. You should invest in some support tights because there is a risk of blood clots. I've been doing my research, hahaha. But this is what ttc is like - you imagine yourself already pregnant and consider putting various things on hold. Sometimes it isn't even considering putting things on hold; things get put on hold, period. I remember. I remember ttc.
We could wait until we are back from England. But August 2009 seems so late.
Thanks for the comments on the previous post. I am going for sooner rather than later.
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Back to Earth
I realised how far away I was becoming when I was day dreaming about baby #2 and what life will be like then. I brought myself back to earth when I became aware that life then will not be like I imagine it now. And honestly thinking about baby #2 is not what I should be doing now. We are both doing it - thinking about baby #2 - and I wonder why that is. Is it the sperm storage bill? Is it that baby #1 is almost 6 months and life is feeling normal again? Or did we just love the ttc days so much that we are eager to go back there?! Ha! I don't know - whatever - I plan to just focus on the here and now. In this moment, anyway.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Number 2
We got the bill for sperm storage last week. $200 for 2 vials for 1 year. Getting the bill got me thinking about TTC baby #2. I had a c-section so I need to wait 2 years. Especially if I want a VBAC. So then I start thinking about my age in 2 years, the size of our house, and the TTC process. I want baby #2 to be related to baby #1. We have the last 2 vials of the stuff that made baby #1. I have a 100% success rate with this donor. But could we get pregnant with baby #2 with just 2 tries? TTC is hard. So I am going to stop thinking about it.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Herstory Repeats Itself
So I am reading this book on recovering emotionally from complicated birth and I am in like chapter 3 or 4. The author talks about history repeating itself. Or in this case herstory repeating itself. Apparently the idea is that we are inclined to give birth much in the way we were born. Or, in the very least there are common themes. Birth as narrative? Or, we do what we know.
The author talks about rebirthing work. This is where you combine breath work with hypnotherapy and you go back to your own birth. When I was somewhere in the middle of ttc I had the opportunity to do rebirthing work. To this day I still find it all dubious - if that makes sense. I mean, really(?) you can go back to your own birth?! When I went back, I found myself having a hard time being born and feeling sluggish and afraid that I was going to die.
Herstory repeating itself.
My mom opted for a natural hospital birth in 1972. I was her third. She's been through it before. Laboured at home. Was only in the hospital for 2 hours before I was born just after 9am. The night before, labour had started and her doctor told her to have a glass of wine to take the edge off. She drank an entire bottle of cherry liquor. She tells the story and finds it funny. [By the way, my mom is not a drinker at all ever].
So that explains the sluggishness and the fear about dying. I was drunk while trying to be born.
Fast forward to September 2007. I know that just before the general anesthesia kicked in I was afraid we were both going to die. I'm sure when the anesthesia traveled through the cord baby C started to feel the effects and quite possibly thought she was going to die. She was already dealing with thick meconium, and had stopped moving. She came out needing resuscitation.
Needless to say, I feel horrible that she had to go through that. That is a whole other post.
Prior to giving birth, I had done some work in therapy around my own birth memories. But really gave it no thought as I prepared for birth. I had worked on pain management techniques and visualisation. But I never really addressed the way my own birth shaped how I felt about giving birth. I have to say I went into it feeling confident about my body's intuition and wisdom. I also felt confident that baby knows what to do too. My goal was to go with the flow. My plan was a home birth. Perhaps I was avoiding the memories of my own birth. But it never seemed relevant.
This is me reflecting and making sense, coming to terms and making peace.
Now what do I do with this idea of herstory repeating itself? What do I do now that I can link my own birth with C's birth? Can I somehow make it so C doesn't have to give birth the way she was born?
The author talks about rebirthing work. This is where you combine breath work with hypnotherapy and you go back to your own birth. When I was somewhere in the middle of ttc I had the opportunity to do rebirthing work. To this day I still find it all dubious - if that makes sense. I mean, really(?) you can go back to your own birth?! When I went back, I found myself having a hard time being born and feeling sluggish and afraid that I was going to die.
Herstory repeating itself.
My mom opted for a natural hospital birth in 1972. I was her third. She's been through it before. Laboured at home. Was only in the hospital for 2 hours before I was born just after 9am. The night before, labour had started and her doctor told her to have a glass of wine to take the edge off. She drank an entire bottle of cherry liquor. She tells the story and finds it funny. [By the way, my mom is not a drinker at all ever].
So that explains the sluggishness and the fear about dying. I was drunk while trying to be born.
Fast forward to September 2007. I know that just before the general anesthesia kicked in I was afraid we were both going to die. I'm sure when the anesthesia traveled through the cord baby C started to feel the effects and quite possibly thought she was going to die. She was already dealing with thick meconium, and had stopped moving. She came out needing resuscitation.
Needless to say, I feel horrible that she had to go through that. That is a whole other post.
Prior to giving birth, I had done some work in therapy around my own birth memories. But really gave it no thought as I prepared for birth. I had worked on pain management techniques and visualisation. But I never really addressed the way my own birth shaped how I felt about giving birth. I have to say I went into it feeling confident about my body's intuition and wisdom. I also felt confident that baby knows what to do too. My goal was to go with the flow. My plan was a home birth. Perhaps I was avoiding the memories of my own birth. But it never seemed relevant.
This is me reflecting and making sense, coming to terms and making peace.
Now what do I do with this idea of herstory repeating itself? What do I do now that I can link my own birth with C's birth? Can I somehow make it so C doesn't have to give birth the way she was born?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
When and How
For over a year my mom has had pain in her shoulder. Originally doctors thought it had to do with her diabetes (adult onset). When the pain became unbearable in the last few weeks, she went to her doctor. The MRI showed something and she was referred to an oncologist. A biopsy this morning confirmed cancer.
Myeloma.
From just outside the hospital, my dad called on his cell to say it's good news but not 100% good news. Good news because it can be treated and controlled. The bad news - he didn't share the bad news - I had to g0o0g1e for the bad news. Specifically, there is no cure and most people die within 3 to 5 years of diagnosis.
* * * * *
Two nights ago - after hearing she may have cancer - I had an intense flash back of giving birth to C. Before I was knocked out. In my flash back I recalled the intense fear that I was about to die and so was my baby (who had stopped moving earlier in the day). Everything moved so fast once my water broke and we saw just how thick it was with meconium. I honestly had no time to acknowledge my fear(s), between that and the contractions. We had to get out of our house and to the hospital. Period.
Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep - quietly, so as not to wake baby C in the other room - and A was in bed next to me, fetching tissues and listening to me whisper about my feelings.
I am afraid to lose my mom.
When I was in labour at the hospital I remember being surprised at the sudden realisation that I wanted my mom there. And the next day, when she was there I felt so happy. And safe.
* * * * *
We all know that at some point we will lose our parents. I have wondered when and how. This cancer is most likely the way that I will lose my mom.
* * * * *
Something else about the birth: I learned that random scary bad sh*t can and does happen. I think I was crying about that as well the other night. Kind of like my miscarriage before I got pregnant with C. It felt like initiation. I was no longer innocent. I still feel so pessimistic now as a result. While pregnant with C, I had a hard time settling in and just being. Because random scary bad sh*t happens. The way the birth went... random scary bad sh*t.
I have to remind myself that I survived. Because I don't want to be a victim. But I have to say that RSBS is always an option for me in ways it was not before ttc.
Myeloma.
From just outside the hospital, my dad called on his cell to say it's good news but not 100% good news. Good news because it can be treated and controlled. The bad news - he didn't share the bad news - I had to g0o0g1e for the bad news. Specifically, there is no cure and most people die within 3 to 5 years of diagnosis.
* * * * *
Two nights ago - after hearing she may have cancer - I had an intense flash back of giving birth to C. Before I was knocked out. In my flash back I recalled the intense fear that I was about to die and so was my baby (who had stopped moving earlier in the day). Everything moved so fast once my water broke and we saw just how thick it was with meconium. I honestly had no time to acknowledge my fear(s), between that and the contractions. We had to get out of our house and to the hospital. Period.
Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep - quietly, so as not to wake baby C in the other room - and A was in bed next to me, fetching tissues and listening to me whisper about my feelings.
I am afraid to lose my mom.
When I was in labour at the hospital I remember being surprised at the sudden realisation that I wanted my mom there. And the next day, when she was there I felt so happy. And safe.
* * * * *
We all know that at some point we will lose our parents. I have wondered when and how. This cancer is most likely the way that I will lose my mom.
* * * * *
Something else about the birth: I learned that random scary bad sh*t can and does happen. I think I was crying about that as well the other night. Kind of like my miscarriage before I got pregnant with C. It felt like initiation. I was no longer innocent. I still feel so pessimistic now as a result. While pregnant with C, I had a hard time settling in and just being. Because random scary bad sh*t happens. The way the birth went... random scary bad sh*t.
I have to remind myself that I survived. Because I don't want to be a victim. But I have to say that RSBS is always an option for me in ways it was not before ttc.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
My Heart Hurts
I am sad for Cali at "Creating Motherhood" (http://steinbockfrau.wordpress.com/2008/01/05/there-is-no-off-switch).
The randomness of TTC has never made sense to me. It is so unfair. And it is a big bunch of crazymaking. We are taught that if you do X Y & Z then you will get A B & C. For some TTC just doesn't work like that.
When we first started - well over 3 years ago - we knew a couple who got pregnant on their first try. Boom! They conceived baby#2 (boom! first try!) before we even got baby #1. And we were happy for them - for one thing it gave us hope and for another they are good people and babies are what they wanted... but I will never understand why some people get pregnant first try and for others it takes years.
We lost a baby. It is like Cali says. There is so much guilt it isn't even funny nor fair. It hurts to watch the beta rise and then fall and never really be enough. It hurts to hear, "there is nothing we can do, you just have to wait." The waiting sucks. All the while having pregnancy symptoms because there is some HcG in your system. Talk about a mindf**k. Cali calls it being unpregnant.
When we found out we were "unpregnant" last October we went to the bookstore. I wanted to see where we were - almost 6 weeks along - so we looked at one of those books that shows the various week by week photos of the developing embryo/ fetus. I personally needed a visual of what I was about to lose.
Partner A was looking through a baby name book, turned to a page and said "look" and she started to point to a name on the page. My eye went to it before her finger did. The name was Micah. We both saw the name and knew that that was the name of the little one we were losing.
A few days later I woke up early in the morning. I felt crampy. I woke A. We went into the bathroom together. I felt my uterus contract and expel the contents. I actually caught the blob of blood and cells in my hand. We looked at it. Cried. And then flushed it. It was an awful feeling. But I really needed to see what I was losing.
I took almost a week off work. I spent that week in bed. It rained the entire week. I remember the house being dark all day because of the clouds covering the sun.
It was a huge loss. I e-mailed my therapist telling her that "I've lost faith." I think I'd begun to lose faith way before the miscarriage. TTC was part of what had me feeling as though I'd lost faith. The sad thing is I don't know if I ever got it back. TTC is about loss. Pieces of me - hope, faith - went with every negative test. [I won't even get into what TTC does to a relationship].
Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade our TTC journey for anything. [I can say this now because we conceived]. I am grateful for Micah - I felt blessed to carry him for those few weeks. [Even then I felt blessed].
And then there is baby C in the other room sleeping. I look at her sometimes and my heart just bursts and I can't hold back the tears. She was well worth the wait.
Right now my heart hurts for Cali. I will light a candle for her.
The randomness of TTC has never made sense to me. It is so unfair. And it is a big bunch of crazymaking. We are taught that if you do X Y & Z then you will get A B & C. For some TTC just doesn't work like that.
When we first started - well over 3 years ago - we knew a couple who got pregnant on their first try. Boom! They conceived baby#2 (boom! first try!) before we even got baby #1. And we were happy for them - for one thing it gave us hope and for another they are good people and babies are what they wanted... but I will never understand why some people get pregnant first try and for others it takes years.
We lost a baby. It is like Cali says. There is so much guilt it isn't even funny nor fair. It hurts to watch the beta rise and then fall and never really be enough. It hurts to hear, "there is nothing we can do, you just have to wait." The waiting sucks. All the while having pregnancy symptoms because there is some HcG in your system. Talk about a mindf**k. Cali calls it being unpregnant.
When we found out we were "unpregnant" last October we went to the bookstore. I wanted to see where we were - almost 6 weeks along - so we looked at one of those books that shows the various week by week photos of the developing embryo/ fetus. I personally needed a visual of what I was about to lose.
Partner A was looking through a baby name book, turned to a page and said "look" and she started to point to a name on the page. My eye went to it before her finger did. The name was Micah. We both saw the name and knew that that was the name of the little one we were losing.
A few days later I woke up early in the morning. I felt crampy. I woke A. We went into the bathroom together. I felt my uterus contract and expel the contents. I actually caught the blob of blood and cells in my hand. We looked at it. Cried. And then flushed it. It was an awful feeling. But I really needed to see what I was losing.
I took almost a week off work. I spent that week in bed. It rained the entire week. I remember the house being dark all day because of the clouds covering the sun.
It was a huge loss. I e-mailed my therapist telling her that "I've lost faith." I think I'd begun to lose faith way before the miscarriage. TTC was part of what had me feeling as though I'd lost faith. The sad thing is I don't know if I ever got it back. TTC is about loss. Pieces of me - hope, faith - went with every negative test. [I won't even get into what TTC does to a relationship].
Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade our TTC journey for anything. [I can say this now because we conceived]. I am grateful for Micah - I felt blessed to carry him for those few weeks. [Even then I felt blessed].
And then there is baby C in the other room sleeping. I look at her sometimes and my heart just bursts and I can't hold back the tears. She was well worth the wait.
Right now my heart hurts for Cali. I will light a candle for her.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Gratitude to the Boob Goddess
I have huge amounts of gratitude over the fact that I am breastfeeding my little Carys. Like huge amounts of gratitude.
I was in such a fog after the birth - we had such a hard time initially with breastfeeding because of her PCCU time and nipple confusion and then my supply issues. I remember crying and then making the decision to take it day by day. Of course we got the midwife and a lactation consultant involved. Even after the initial meeting with the LC I was so foggy and overwhelmed and sleep deprived and tearful that I was this close to giving up.
I am so glad we stuck it out.
* * * * *
And in the realm of gratitude, it hit me a few weeks ago - I am happy to be done with ttc. But I shall save this for another post.
I was in such a fog after the birth - we had such a hard time initially with breastfeeding because of her PCCU time and nipple confusion and then my supply issues. I remember crying and then making the decision to take it day by day. Of course we got the midwife and a lactation consultant involved. Even after the initial meeting with the LC I was so foggy and overwhelmed and sleep deprived and tearful that I was this close to giving up.
I am so glad we stuck it out.
* * * * *
And in the realm of gratitude, it hit me a few weeks ago - I am happy to be done with ttc. But I shall save this for another post.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Joy Mixed with Worry
Last x-mas we spent the day in MI. We had x-mas dinner with my family. We actually went to my cousin's house - which was the house I grew up in (it was my parents' house then).
Dinner was delayed because my brother, his wife, and 3 year old daughter were for some reason delayed. I was so hungry. So hungry. A few times I announced, "I am soooo hungry..." My aunt - who was aware of our ttc endeavours - quietly asked, "might you be pregnant?" And I said, "no." Keep in mind it was 13 days past IUI#5. I don't know why I said no. I hadn't even tested. We had a funny mindset then though. We had been let down so many times that I think - depending on the day, the mood, the weather, whatever - it was either "no" or "yes." Mostly it was no.
I remember that it was our plan to just wait for the clinic's hcg blood test on 18 days past. That test would take place on a Saturday or a Sunday. But the clinic wouldn't call with the results until a full week (plus) after the test when they re-opened for the new year.
On the 26th we were back home in Ontario. It was that day that I started to have a little bit of a feeling that maybe just maybe... I managed to persuade a reluctant A to take me to the store for a test. It was after 6pm. Cold and dark. She was reluctant because she didn't want anything to ruin our holiday. She stayed in the parking lot and I went in. Later she said she'd closed her eyes for a second - when I was in the store - and visualised a light blue cross. (Which was funny because all the tests prior to the one I bought that night were the two /or one/ pink line variety - and in the store I'd decided to get the blue cross variety, unbeknownst to her).
At home, that evening, I peed on the stick.
I watched it for a moment and then called A into the room. "Um... could you look at this?" My voice was cracking and quivering. In fact, as I write this I can feel the joy swelling up in my chest. We were stunned.
And then I think we mixed worry in with the joy and excitement. That is what the ttc process does to you. Or it did to me anyway. I knew too much. I knew what could go wrong. I was well into my second trimester before I could go with the flow.
Incidentally, my day 18 beta was 963. The clinic said that we didn't even need to check it again. An ultrasound was scheduled for January 20 (the day before A's birthday).
Now we have a little one - asleep in the other room. I suspect she is overtired from all the visiting over the past few days.
Dinner was delayed because my brother, his wife, and 3 year old daughter were for some reason delayed. I was so hungry. So hungry. A few times I announced, "I am soooo hungry..." My aunt - who was aware of our ttc endeavours - quietly asked, "might you be pregnant?" And I said, "no." Keep in mind it was 13 days past IUI#5. I don't know why I said no. I hadn't even tested. We had a funny mindset then though. We had been let down so many times that I think - depending on the day, the mood, the weather, whatever - it was either "no" or "yes." Mostly it was no.
I remember that it was our plan to just wait for the clinic's hcg blood test on 18 days past. That test would take place on a Saturday or a Sunday. But the clinic wouldn't call with the results until a full week (plus) after the test when they re-opened for the new year.
On the 26th we were back home in Ontario. It was that day that I started to have a little bit of a feeling that maybe just maybe... I managed to persuade a reluctant A to take me to the store for a test. It was after 6pm. Cold and dark. She was reluctant because she didn't want anything to ruin our holiday. She stayed in the parking lot and I went in. Later she said she'd closed her eyes for a second - when I was in the store - and visualised a light blue cross. (Which was funny because all the tests prior to the one I bought that night were the two /or one/ pink line variety - and in the store I'd decided to get the blue cross variety, unbeknownst to her).
At home, that evening, I peed on the stick.
I watched it for a moment and then called A into the room. "Um... could you look at this?" My voice was cracking and quivering. In fact, as I write this I can feel the joy swelling up in my chest. We were stunned.
And then I think we mixed worry in with the joy and excitement. That is what the ttc process does to you. Or it did to me anyway. I knew too much. I knew what could go wrong. I was well into my second trimester before I could go with the flow.
Incidentally, my day 18 beta was 963. The clinic said that we didn't even need to check it again. An ultrasound was scheduled for January 20 (the day before A's birthday).
Now we have a little one - asleep in the other room. I suspect she is overtired from all the visiting over the past few days.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
One Year Ago Today
Last October I had a miscarriage. It greatly affected my next ttc attempt last December.
Here is my LiveJournal post from one year ago today:
"IUI#5 The Last One"
IUI#5 went well. Before we got there - not so well. Once we got there - okay. The IUI itself - lovely. Very positive experience.
Now I relax.
* * * * *
I had therapy today. Yay therapy. I cried. I cried. And I cried some more.
Up to this morning I was feeling hopeful about the whole ttc thing. Then today - after the insemination - I started to feel all anxious and uncomfortable. It became clear to me that when I try to get pregnant - inseminate - I am open to more possibilities than pregnant or not pregnant. There is the chance of pregnant for now and then miscarriage. I feel less hopeful and really felt less hopeful when I got to therapy.
I am feeling a bit better now.
Things we talked about:
-faith
-ego
-purpose
-trying to control
-doing verses being
-sadness
-anger
-fear
-guilt
-shame
-reconnecting with my spiritual self
-the love between me and A - which she referred to it as "exquisite"
Therapist L shared with me that she lost a baby. We didn't really talk about it. She said it and then said "yes it is a big loss... and yes some people don't get it..."
I have no idea why I called this particular IUI "the last one" - I mean we have two more tries waiting at the clinic, but... maybe I was thinking positively. Maybe I just knew. It was the attempt that brought us baby Carys.
Finally, to Carys, I say: Happy Conception Day!
Here is my LiveJournal post from one year ago today:
"IUI#5 The Last One"
IUI#5 went well. Before we got there - not so well. Once we got there - okay. The IUI itself - lovely. Very positive experience.
Now I relax.
* * * * *
I had therapy today. Yay therapy. I cried. I cried. And I cried some more.
Up to this morning I was feeling hopeful about the whole ttc thing. Then today - after the insemination - I started to feel all anxious and uncomfortable. It became clear to me that when I try to get pregnant - inseminate - I am open to more possibilities than pregnant or not pregnant. There is the chance of pregnant for now and then miscarriage. I feel less hopeful and really felt less hopeful when I got to therapy.
I am feeling a bit better now.
Things we talked about:
-faith
-ego
-purpose
-trying to control
-doing verses being
-sadness
-anger
-fear
-guilt
-shame
-reconnecting with my spiritual self
-the love between me and A - which she referred to it as "exquisite"
Therapist L shared with me that she lost a baby. We didn't really talk about it. She said it and then said "yes it is a big loss... and yes some people don't get it..."
I have no idea why I called this particular IUI "the last one" - I mean we have two more tries waiting at the clinic, but... maybe I was thinking positively. Maybe I just knew. It was the attempt that brought us baby Carys.
Finally, to Carys, I say: Happy Conception Day!
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