When and How

For over a year my mom has had pain in her shoulder. Originally doctors thought it had to do with her diabetes (adult onset). When the pain became unbearable in the last few weeks, she went to her doctor. The MRI showed something and she was referred to an oncologist. A biopsy this morning confirmed cancer.

Myeloma.

From just outside the hospital, my dad called on his cell to say it's good news but not 100% good news. Good news because it can be treated and controlled. The bad news - he didn't share the bad news - I had to g0o0g1e for the bad news. Specifically, there is no cure and most people die within 3 to 5 years of diagnosis.

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Two nights ago - after hearing she may have cancer - I had an intense flash back of giving birth to C. Before I was knocked out. In my flash back I recalled the intense fear that I was about to die and so was my baby (who had stopped moving earlier in the day). Everything moved so fast once my water broke and we saw just how thick it was with meconium. I honestly had no time to acknowledge my fear(s), between that and the contractions. We had to get out of our house and to the hospital. Period.

Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep - quietly, so as not to wake baby C in the other room - and A was in bed next to me, fetching tissues and listening to me whisper about my feelings.

I am afraid to lose my mom.

When I was in labour at the hospital I remember being surprised at the sudden realisation that I wanted my mom there. And the next day, when she was there I felt so happy. And safe.

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We all know that at some point we will lose our parents. I have wondered when and how. This cancer is most likely the way that I will lose my mom.

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Something else about the birth: I learned that random scary bad sh*t can and does happen. I think I was crying about that as well the other night. Kind of like my miscarriage before I got pregnant with C. It felt like initiation. I was no longer innocent. I still feel so pessimistic now as a result. While pregnant with C, I had a hard time settling in and just being. Because random scary bad sh*t happens. The way the birth went... random scary bad sh*t.

I have to remind myself that I survived. Because I don't want to be a victim. But I have to say that RSBS is always an option for me in ways it was not before ttc.

My Heart Hurts

I am sad for Cali at "Creating Motherhood" (http://steinbockfrau.wordpress.com/2008/01/05/there-is-no-off-switch).

The randomness of TTC has never made sense to me. It is so unfair. And it is a big bunch of crazymaking. We are taught that if you do X Y & Z then you will get A B & C. For some TTC just doesn't work like that.

When we first started - well over 3 years ago - we knew a couple who got pregnant on their first try. Boom! They conceived baby#2 (boom! first try!) before we even got baby #1. And we were happy for them - for one thing it gave us hope and for another they are good people and babies are what they wanted... but I will never understand why some people get pregnant first try and for others it takes years.

We lost a baby. It is like Cali says. There is so much guilt it isn't even funny nor fair. It hurts to watch the beta rise and then fall and never really be enough. It hurts to hear, "there is nothing we can do, you just have to wait." The waiting sucks. All the while having pregnancy symptoms because there is some HcG in your system. Talk about a mindf**k. Cali calls it being unpregnant.

When we found out we were "unpregnant" last October we went to the bookstore. I wanted to see where we were - almost 6 weeks along - so we looked at one of those books that shows the various week by week photos of the developing embryo/ fetus. I personally needed a visual of what I was about to lose.

Partner A was looking through a baby name book, turned to a page and said "look" and she started to point to a name on the page. My eye went to it before her finger did. The name was Micah. We both saw the name and knew that that was the name of the little one we were losing.

A few days later I woke up early in the morning. I felt crampy. I woke A. We went into the bathroom together. I felt my uterus contract and expel the contents. I actually caught the blob of blood and cells in my hand. We looked at it. Cried. And then flushed it. It was an awful feeling. But I really needed to see what I was losing.

I took almost a week off work. I spent that week in bed. It rained the entire week. I remember the house being dark all day because of the clouds covering the sun.

It was a huge loss. I e-mailed my therapist telling her that "I've lost faith." I think I'd begun to lose faith way before the miscarriage. TTC was part of what had me feeling as though I'd lost faith. The sad thing is I don't know if I ever got it back. TTC is about loss. Pieces of me - hope, faith - went with every negative test. [I won't even get into what TTC does to a relationship].

Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade our TTC journey for anything. [I can say this now because we conceived]. I am grateful for Micah - I felt blessed to carry him for those few weeks. [Even then I felt blessed].

And then there is baby C in the other room sleeping. I look at her sometimes and my heart just bursts and I can't hold back the tears. She was well worth the wait.

Right now my heart hurts for Cali. I will light a candle for her.