Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

I go back to work in a week and a few days. I will work the month of June. I am off July and August (I teach). Then I go back for good in September (when C is a year).

Yesterday I found out what I will be doing for the month of June. I'm happy to be going back. My assignment will be interesting and the days will fly by. I am excited to see the students. Good good good. It'll feel good to have lunch at the same time everyday - hell, to have lunch everyday period. It'll feel good to have a shower everyday. It'll feel good to talk with other adults.

And I am feeling anxious. I want to keep C safe. I want to keep her full on the booby milk. I want her to still feel bonded to me. I don't want to miss out. It'll all work out.

I have to say too I am ever so grateful to the government of Canada for funding my time off.


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In other news, C is mobile. She is a baby on the go. Crawling very much. Also bumping her head very much. And making it hard for me to update.

I am turning a corner.

Went back to therapy the other day and I will go back again at the end of the month. I didn't think I was ready to go back. Now I feel hope because I am going back. Hope like I haven't felt hope in a long time.

Trying not to count days/ weeks left until I go back to work. Suffice to say, it's less than one month. I have less than a month of 24-7 time with my little C. I feel sad about this. But it will be nice to be able to eat lunch at the same time everyday and talk to big people.

We went to the library yesterday and I was taking it all in with her. She quietly stares at the little kids playing and gets wide-eyed and expansive at the trees in the reading garden (which was open yesterday for the first time - lovely).

Must go. I have diapers to retrieve from the dryer, to fold and put away.

A List About My Funk

1. Hormones and breastfeeding - C eats more solids and my supply adjusts, perhaps this is affecting me hormonally

2. Breastfeeding - C eats more solids and needs less boob and therefore needs less of me (really she needs me in different ways, but I am having a hard time seeing the different ways); our breastfeeding relationship is changing

3. Work - I go back in less than 5 weeks (this is perhaps a post all unto itself)

4. Triggers - 'they' say parenthood triggers one's childhood memories and hurts; I've been reminded of things, but not sure if I have been full-on triggered

5. PPD - Does PPD resurface? Come back? The tears I had today felt very much like 6 days post-partum (very random, very from out of nowhere); shifting hormones?

Not Ready to Make Nice

I go back to therapy next month.

After giving birth and going to a few therapy sessions I decided to take a break from therapy. Because all it was doing was wiping me out and making me cry more. I know that I had feelings that needed to be explored, post-partum-ly, but... it wasn't helping. So a break I took. Am I going back to therapy for good? Probably not. A. it is expensive for a woman making 1/2 her salary on maternity leave. There are 101 more things I could spend my money on... like bills. B. I am still not in the mood for therapy. I don't want to talk about it all. I don't want to explore my feelings. [At least not there].

When I left therapy - when I decided to take a break - I found that I was feeling very angry with the whole therapeutic process. I've spent 6 years in therapy. I was angry with it because it was my involvement in my own healing process that led me to want a natural birth... led me to believe I was powerful enough and capable enough to give birth that way. I know now that it is more complex than this and that my anger at the process is maybe a bit misguided and that anger probably needs to be explored. But... I don't want to go back, so I won't. I mean, I will go back for that May appointment, but I am not going back for good.

Okay that is all.

P.S. Taking a break has been a good thing - I have witnessed myself dealing and growing and integrating... and I have been quite proud at my self-awareness.

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In other news, Spring has sprung. Lovely lovely lovely spring. Soon I will sink my toes into green grass.

Ultimately, My Wish...

I find it hard just lately to do my daily update on my other blog http://mygratitudeproject.blogspot.com/. Partly because C is busy in different ways and takes more of time and sometimes less of my time. She can occupy herself for stretches of time with her toys. She has really discovered toys. She sits - can't get into a sitting position on her own, but can stay sitting upright on her own - and plays. I watch her. And try to catch her when she tumbles to one side or the other. She is so cute. Sitting up babies who play with their toys are cute.

It is as though I am not in the room sometimes. It's like she forgets. Plays. Plays. Plays. Then looks up, looks for me, sees me, goes back to playing.

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I find it hard to update my other blog because it's hard to settle my mind. I am feeling happy. I am feeling anxious about going back to work for the month of June. I am hating that we are running out of money. The bills keep coming and the government just doesn't pay enough maternity benefit. Well, they do... I am just one of these people who feels more secure when I have money tucked away. We are tapping into the tucked away money and it feels... well... less secure. So yeah these kind of feelings make it hard to update the other blog. Perhaps if I look at these feelings, then... it'll be easier.

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So out in "ttc blog land" I'd like to see some BFPs soon. Seriously. It seems there is a lack of BFPs - at least in the circle of blogs in which I move. So that is my wish. For those who are in your 2ww or soon to be in your 2ww, may you get your BFP. [more babies! more babies! more babies!]

Bit by Bit

The comments on my "What is bonding?" post have helped shift something in me. A switch has been flipped. I am no longer looking at ways in which C and I have not bonded. Because it isn't about that. We have bonded. We continue to bond.

I have fallen in love at first sight with people. And (for me) it felt like addiction. [Not saying that "love at first sight" is not real or valid - it is real and it is valid - I had to have those experiences and I may again]. With my partner I fell in love slowly, bit by bit, over time. Some parts of falling in love were instant and some took time and evolution. Our relationship is so balanced. There is something very true about our love. There is something very true about the way we love each other. It's been a process.

I kind of see bonding between mama and baby as a process. Some of it is instant. Instantly I wanted to protect her and nourish her. Some of it is bit by bit and over time. As she changes and grows and develops, we see new sides of each other. Or we see the same stuff but in different ways. Bonding evolves.

It no longer works for me to look at what we didn't get when she was born. I am looking at what we have now. I am not even looking for it - it is just there.

Bitter Sweet

C turned 6 months today. I swear she grew a bunch overnight! She was born 6 months ago at 6:50pm. I didn't know I had a baby girl until I woke up at 10 to 8pm - well after that when the nurse in recovery found out and then told me. I had C via c-section and I was under a general anaesthetic. My heart hurts that I was not there to welcome her to the world. Even more that her baba couldn't be there to welcome her. I feel tremendous sadness about it all today. We looked at the clock at various points and said, 6 months ago right now contractions started, the midwife came, water broke, left for the hospital, she was born, etc.

Last week I was aware of the intense fear I felt when they rolled me in to the OR - feeling contractions and freaking scared of the general and the knife and for my baby's life.

Today it is sadness.

And I am so happy she is here, so pleased, so in love, so in awe. She is everything. Everything to me. My heart aches with these joyful feelings too.

But Today is Not the Day

Reading others' February 29 posts has made me realise that there is so much more I could write. So much more that I need to write. I don't know where to begin. I don't have the energy. I am afraid to open the door to all those feelings. Others' posts have me aware. And inspired.

I know now that ttc and pregnancy and birth are all about loss. Things that are essentially all about creating new life are also about loss.

I know now that there are so many people out there who can say it so much better than me. It is amazing what happens when someone (or in the case of February 29, many someones) put words to so many things that I have thought, have felt, still think, still feel.

Herstory Repeats Itself

So I am reading this book on recovering emotionally from complicated birth and I am in like chapter 3 or 4. The author talks about history repeating itself. Or in this case herstory repeating itself. Apparently the idea is that we are inclined to give birth much in the way we were born. Or, in the very least there are common themes. Birth as narrative? Or, we do what we know.

The author talks about rebirthing work. This is where you combine breath work with hypnotherapy and you go back to your own birth. When I was somewhere in the middle of ttc I had the opportunity to do rebirthing work. To this day I still find it all dubious - if that makes sense. I mean, really(?) you can go back to your own birth?! When I went back, I found myself having a hard time being born and feeling sluggish and afraid that I was going to die.

Herstory repeating itself.

My mom opted for a natural hospital birth in 1972. I was her third. She's been through it before. Laboured at home. Was only in the hospital for 2 hours before I was born just after 9am. The night before, labour had started and her doctor told her to have a glass of wine to take the edge off. She drank an entire bottle of cherry liquor. She tells the story and finds it funny. [By the way, my mom is not a drinker at all ever].

So that explains the sluggishness and the fear about dying. I was drunk while trying to be born.

Fast forward to September 2007. I know that just before the general anesthesia kicked in I was afraid we were both going to die. I'm sure when the anesthesia traveled through the cord baby C started to feel the effects and quite possibly thought she was going to die. She was already dealing with thick meconium, and had stopped moving. She came out needing resuscitation.

Needless to say, I feel horrible that she had to go through that. That is a whole other post.

Prior to giving birth, I had done some work in therapy around my own birth memories. But really gave it no thought as I prepared for birth. I had worked on pain management techniques and visualisation. But I never really addressed the way my own birth shaped how I felt about giving birth. I have to say I went into it feeling confident about my body's intuition and wisdom. I also felt confident that baby knows what to do too. My goal was to go with the flow. My plan was a home birth. Perhaps I was avoiding the memories of my own birth. But it never seemed relevant.

This is me reflecting and making sense, coming to terms and making peace.

Now what do I do with this idea of herstory repeating itself? What do I do now that I can link my own birth with C's birth? Can I somehow make it so C doesn't have to give birth the way she was born?

When and How

For over a year my mom has had pain in her shoulder. Originally doctors thought it had to do with her diabetes (adult onset). When the pain became unbearable in the last few weeks, she went to her doctor. The MRI showed something and she was referred to an oncologist. A biopsy this morning confirmed cancer.

Myeloma.

From just outside the hospital, my dad called on his cell to say it's good news but not 100% good news. Good news because it can be treated and controlled. The bad news - he didn't share the bad news - I had to g0o0g1e for the bad news. Specifically, there is no cure and most people die within 3 to 5 years of diagnosis.

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Two nights ago - after hearing she may have cancer - I had an intense flash back of giving birth to C. Before I was knocked out. In my flash back I recalled the intense fear that I was about to die and so was my baby (who had stopped moving earlier in the day). Everything moved so fast once my water broke and we saw just how thick it was with meconium. I honestly had no time to acknowledge my fear(s), between that and the contractions. We had to get out of our house and to the hospital. Period.

Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep - quietly, so as not to wake baby C in the other room - and A was in bed next to me, fetching tissues and listening to me whisper about my feelings.

I am afraid to lose my mom.

When I was in labour at the hospital I remember being surprised at the sudden realisation that I wanted my mom there. And the next day, when she was there I felt so happy. And safe.

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We all know that at some point we will lose our parents. I have wondered when and how. This cancer is most likely the way that I will lose my mom.

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Something else about the birth: I learned that random scary bad sh*t can and does happen. I think I was crying about that as well the other night. Kind of like my miscarriage before I got pregnant with C. It felt like initiation. I was no longer innocent. I still feel so pessimistic now as a result. While pregnant with C, I had a hard time settling in and just being. Because random scary bad sh*t happens. The way the birth went... random scary bad sh*t.

I have to remind myself that I survived. Because I don't want to be a victim. But I have to say that RSBS is always an option for me in ways it was not before ttc.

Must Share

I have purposely avoided sharing photos in this blog, but I couldn't resist when it came to this one:



She is about a week old here. I look at the photo, I look at her now, I look at the way she fit in my hand, and I look at her again - she's grown!

I had this photo made into a black & white 8x10.

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Finished reading chapter 2 of the healing birth trauma book, this morning. It was about ptsd and birth. I could relate. I want to post some of my thoughts here, but I am a bit overwhemed with the information.

But I will say this, I went into the birth (even ttc and pregnancy) truly knowing that my body knows what to do. I worry now that I have lost all faith in my body. I hope I can get it back.

Can I Be Both?

I am reading a self help book about recovering from a traumatic birth.

I read Chapter 1 this morning before C woke up.

I used my highlighter like it was a school project or something.

I want to feel better. I want to incorporate the experience and the scar from the unplanned c-section and the sense that I somehow failed.

I wanted to welcome C into the world calmly, gently, and with ease. Why did that not happen?

People tell me that I should be happy that C is here, alive and well, and to nevermind the birth and how she got here.

Can I be both? Happy - ecstatic, even - that she is here, alive and well... AND sad that things didn't go as planned?

Because today I am both.