Saturday, March 8, 2008

Bitter Sweet

C turned 6 months today. I swear she grew a bunch overnight! She was born 6 months ago at 6:50pm. I didn't know I had a baby girl until I woke up at 10 to 8pm - well after that when the nurse in recovery found out and then told me. I had C via c-section and I was under a general anaesthetic. My heart hurts that I was not there to welcome her to the world. Even more that her baba couldn't be there to welcome her. I feel tremendous sadness about it all today. We looked at the clock at various points and said, 6 months ago right now contractions started, the midwife came, water broke, left for the hospital, she was born, etc.

Last week I was aware of the intense fear I felt when they rolled me in to the OR - feeling contractions and freaking scared of the general and the knife and for my baby's life.

Today it is sadness.

And I am so happy she is here, so pleased, so in love, so in awe. She is everything. Everything to me. My heart aches with these joyful feelings too.


Jen said...

and that's why bittersweet is the perfect word.

i still feel a sting that the birth didn't go the way we imagined it but, month by month, it's fading. not that i won't remember it always, it's just that the sting is going away...replaced by more sweetness than i can handle. :)

sandra said...

It is fading for sure... and the sweetness is unbelieveable...