Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A List About My Funk

1. Hormones and breastfeeding - C eats more solids and my supply adjusts, perhaps this is affecting me hormonally

2. Breastfeeding - C eats more solids and needs less boob and therefore needs less of me (really she needs me in different ways, but I am having a hard time seeing the different ways); our breastfeeding relationship is changing

3. Work - I go back in less than 5 weeks (this is perhaps a post all unto itself)

4. Triggers - 'they' say parenthood triggers one's childhood memories and hurts; I've been reminded of things, but not sure if I have been full-on triggered

5. PPD - Does PPD resurface? Come back? The tears I had today felt very much like 6 days post-partum (very random, very from out of nowhere); shifting hormones?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Attention all LiveJournalers

I post nearly everyday on my LiveJournal. Not just about mamahood, but about my day to day. Most of my posts are friends locked. If you have a LiveJournal, check me out, and friend me.

http://vishuddha-spin.livejournal.com

Still

Still in a funk.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Down

I am in a bit of a funk. It started this morning at 3am-ish. I was up feeding C and I felt so anxious and sad for no real reason. It continued into the day. Even now I'm feeling down. I talked with A about it all. I'm guessing it's hormones. Maybe? I feel like I felt in those early post-partum days.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I Needed Sleep... Needed Sleep...

My partner is awesome. And let me tell you why.

C has been waking up a lot in the night. Not always to nurse - in fact, most of the wake-ups are not for food. So the other night A (my partner) said I will handle all wake-ups tonight, your job is to sleep. If we need you for food I will wake you and bring her into bed and when she is done I will take her back to her crib.

So all wake-ups were taken care of (and I wasn't needed for food). Do you know what it is like to get that much sleep? It was like 8+ hours. And I trusted that A and C would figure it out (a nice little bit of surrender on my part) and so I slept.

The next day I was so pleasant and happy and easy going.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Little Things

I've been a bit MIA lately. Maybe it is the weather or the fact that my little one is becoming more and more mobile making it harder and harder for me to post. I thought it would be nice to tell you all some of the cute/clever little things baby C is doing these days.

When she wants to be picked up she holds her arms up. The other day we walked to the local deli/bakery - she was in her stroller. I am balancing cheese and bread and whatnot and she raises her arms to me. So, what do you do? I put the bread and cheese and whatnot in her stroller like it's a shopping cart and I pick her up. Luckily the tiny deli/bakery place was not packed (it often is) and I was able to maneuver through. I had her happily back in her stroller by the time we got to the register to pay.

We have this hanging stuffed bug toy over her changing table to distract her when we change her diaper. We call it "spider bug" and when we're done I will often wave to the spider bug and say "bye bye spider bug" as we transition from diaper changing to the next task. Yesterday baby C waved bye bye to the spider bug.

We have 3 cats. One in particular is quite fond of C. The feeling is mutual. He's an old handsome guy called Eddie. Often when he enters the room I will ask C, "where's Eddie?" And she will look around and stop looking when she sees him. Then she will let out a soft squeal to get his attention. She also saves her "dadadada" sounds for when Eddie is around. I'm think her first word is going to be some variant of Eddie.

She tried organic brown rice cereal for the first time this week. In fact, it has been a bit of a mid-morning meal for her all week. When the spoon comes close to her mouth she takes it from me and puts it in her mouth, sucks the cereal off the spoon, then hands it back to me.

She is also starting to experience a bit of separation anxiety. She will cry when I leave the room. This pretty much started yesterday. Before that she'd often look up from her toys to check if I am still there, see me, and go back to playing. Now she looks for me often. And if I get up to leave she cries. I am kind of glad it is starting now and not the day I go back to work (like 6 weeks from now). But I don't know how to handle it. Do I come back right away? Do I go on with what I was doing?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Post #100

My baby is 7 months old today.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Not Ready to Make Nice

I go back to therapy next month.

After giving birth and going to a few therapy sessions I decided to take a break from therapy. Because all it was doing was wiping me out and making me cry more. I know that I had feelings that needed to be explored, post-partum-ly, but... it wasn't helping. So a break I took. Am I going back to therapy for good? Probably not. A. it is expensive for a woman making 1/2 her salary on maternity leave. There are 101 more things I could spend my money on... like bills. B. I am still not in the mood for therapy. I don't want to talk about it all. I don't want to explore my feelings. [At least not there].

When I left therapy - when I decided to take a break - I found that I was feeling very angry with the whole therapeutic process. I've spent 6 years in therapy. I was angry with it because it was my involvement in my own healing process that led me to want a natural birth... led me to believe I was powerful enough and capable enough to give birth that way. I know now that it is more complex than this and that my anger at the process is maybe a bit misguided and that anger probably needs to be explored. But... I don't want to go back, so I won't. I mean, I will go back for that May appointment, but I am not going back for good.

Okay that is all.

P.S. Taking a break has been a good thing - I have witnessed myself dealing and growing and integrating... and I have been quite proud at my self-awareness.

* * * * *

In other news, Spring has sprung. Lovely lovely lovely spring. Soon I will sink my toes into green grass.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Ultimately, My Wish...

I find it hard just lately to do my daily update on my other blog http://mygratitudeproject.blogspot.com/. Partly because C is busy in different ways and takes more of time and sometimes less of my time. She can occupy herself for stretches of time with her toys. She has really discovered toys. She sits - can't get into a sitting position on her own, but can stay sitting upright on her own - and plays. I watch her. And try to catch her when she tumbles to one side or the other. She is so cute. Sitting up babies who play with their toys are cute.

It is as though I am not in the room sometimes. It's like she forgets. Plays. Plays. Plays. Then looks up, looks for me, sees me, goes back to playing.

* * * * *

I find it hard to update my other blog because it's hard to settle my mind. I am feeling happy. I am feeling anxious about going back to work for the month of June. I am hating that we are running out of money. The bills keep coming and the government just doesn't pay enough maternity benefit. Well, they do... I am just one of these people who feels more secure when I have money tucked away. We are tapping into the tucked away money and it feels... well... less secure. So yeah these kind of feelings make it hard to update the other blog. Perhaps if I look at these feelings, then... it'll be easier.

* * * * *

So out in "ttc blog land" I'd like to see some BFPs soon. Seriously. It seems there is a lack of BFPs - at least in the circle of blogs in which I move. So that is my wish. For those who are in your 2ww or soon to be in your 2ww, may you get your BFP. [more babies! more babies! more babies!]