A List About My Funk

1. Hormones and breastfeeding - C eats more solids and my supply adjusts, perhaps this is affecting me hormonally

2. Breastfeeding - C eats more solids and needs less boob and therefore needs less of me (really she needs me in different ways, but I am having a hard time seeing the different ways); our breastfeeding relationship is changing

3. Work - I go back in less than 5 weeks (this is perhaps a post all unto itself)

4. Triggers - 'they' say parenthood triggers one's childhood memories and hurts; I've been reminded of things, but not sure if I have been full-on triggered

5. PPD - Does PPD resurface? Come back? The tears I had today felt very much like 6 days post-partum (very random, very from out of nowhere); shifting hormones?

Ultimately, My Wish...

I find it hard just lately to do my daily update on my other blog http://mygratitudeproject.blogspot.com/. Partly because C is busy in different ways and takes more of time and sometimes less of my time. She can occupy herself for stretches of time with her toys. She has really discovered toys. She sits - can't get into a sitting position on her own, but can stay sitting upright on her own - and plays. I watch her. And try to catch her when she tumbles to one side or the other. She is so cute. Sitting up babies who play with their toys are cute.

It is as though I am not in the room sometimes. It's like she forgets. Plays. Plays. Plays. Then looks up, looks for me, sees me, goes back to playing.

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I find it hard to update my other blog because it's hard to settle my mind. I am feeling happy. I am feeling anxious about going back to work for the month of June. I am hating that we are running out of money. The bills keep coming and the government just doesn't pay enough maternity benefit. Well, they do... I am just one of these people who feels more secure when I have money tucked away. We are tapping into the tucked away money and it feels... well... less secure. So yeah these kind of feelings make it hard to update the other blog. Perhaps if I look at these feelings, then... it'll be easier.

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So out in "ttc blog land" I'd like to see some BFPs soon. Seriously. It seems there is a lack of BFPs - at least in the circle of blogs in which I move. So that is my wish. For those who are in your 2ww or soon to be in your 2ww, may you get your BFP. [more babies! more babies! more babies!]

Bit by Bit

The comments on my "What is bonding?" post have helped shift something in me. A switch has been flipped. I am no longer looking at ways in which C and I have not bonded. Because it isn't about that. We have bonded. We continue to bond.

I have fallen in love at first sight with people. And (for me) it felt like addiction. [Not saying that "love at first sight" is not real or valid - it is real and it is valid - I had to have those experiences and I may again]. With my partner I fell in love slowly, bit by bit, over time. Some parts of falling in love were instant and some took time and evolution. Our relationship is so balanced. There is something very true about our love. There is something very true about the way we love each other. It's been a process.

I kind of see bonding between mama and baby as a process. Some of it is instant. Instantly I wanted to protect her and nourish her. Some of it is bit by bit and over time. As she changes and grows and develops, we see new sides of each other. Or we see the same stuff but in different ways. Bonding evolves.

It no longer works for me to look at what we didn't get when she was born. I am looking at what we have now. I am not even looking for it - it is just there.

Use Your Words

Towards the end of our walk in the park yesterday (when it was 5C) C started to cry. When we got back to the car she was inconsolable. I took her out of the stroller and bounced around with her and talked to her and tried to calm her. When she was calm I started to put her in the car seat and she began crying all over again. I've only seen her like this a few times. So I took her out of the car seat and held her. I didn't want to leave her in the car seat crying. I didn't want to have her crying in the back seat while I drove home. I ended up trying to nurse her with us sitting in the back seat - but she didn't want boob. Eventually she calmed down long enough for us to get home. Once home, I fed her, changed her, rocked her, and she napped for 2 hours.

But oh my it is so hard to hear my baby cry and not be able to fix it right away.

Intense Baby

Mamas of babies who are past 6 months: Please tell me it is normal for my almost 6 month old to get so freaking frustrated (to the point where she screams) at not being able to crawl to desired toys. Please tell me it is normal for my almost 6 month old to have what appears to be a tantrum because she can't roll back over.

And please help me out here. Do I just fetch the toys for her (this is what I am doing)? Or, help her move/creep/crawl to the toy? Or, just let her figure it out (you know as a way to gain the crawling skills)?

Should I be worried that her freaking out now is somehow indicative of the intensity of her personality and that when she is 2 she is going to have major tantrums? Is there a correlation?

The 6 Month Assessment

The developmental resources case worker came out today to assess baby C. This is part of her birth follow-up. This was the second meeting with the case worker. C is 5 1/2 months old and the 6 month assessment was used. She's meeting most milestones.

Then C and I went to the mall to get ingredients for banana muffins. This is the mall that has underground parking - so we never really have to bundle up and I can put her in the wrap just outside the car. This is also the mall that has a grocery store attached to it - so we can get our bananas and whatnot for our muffins. This is also the mall with so many elderly people who smile at C. She smiles back. Seriously she is more likely to smile big at a lovely worn face than any other kind of face.

She is asleep at my boob right now - I am typing with one hand - bless her. And when she wakes up, it'll be muffin time!

You think you have it all figured out.

Just when you think you've got your baby's schedule/patterns figured out she goes and changes them! Ha!

In my eyes you are okay.

My mom is my biggest supporter. I've said to my partner that it really makes a difference in life when you know your mom thinks you are okay. Having a daughter of my own has made me very aware that no one in the world will love me like my mom loves me.

I found out yesterday that my mom may have cancer.

Tomorrow we will know a lot more.

Needless to say I am scared.