Monday, April 7, 2008

Not Ready to Make Nice

I go back to therapy next month.

After giving birth and going to a few therapy sessions I decided to take a break from therapy. Because all it was doing was wiping me out and making me cry more. I know that I had feelings that needed to be explored, post-partum-ly, but... it wasn't helping. So a break I took. Am I going back to therapy for good? Probably not. A. it is expensive for a woman making 1/2 her salary on maternity leave. There are 101 more things I could spend my money on... like bills. B. I am still not in the mood for therapy. I don't want to talk about it all. I don't want to explore my feelings. [At least not there].

When I left therapy - when I decided to take a break - I found that I was feeling very angry with the whole therapeutic process. I've spent 6 years in therapy. I was angry with it because it was my involvement in my own healing process that led me to want a natural birth... led me to believe I was powerful enough and capable enough to give birth that way. I know now that it is more complex than this and that my anger at the process is maybe a bit misguided and that anger probably needs to be explored. But... I don't want to go back, so I won't. I mean, I will go back for that May appointment, but I am not going back for good.

Okay that is all.

P.S. Taking a break has been a good thing - I have witnessed myself dealing and growing and integrating... and I have been quite proud at my self-awareness.

* * * * *

In other news, Spring has sprung. Lovely lovely lovely spring. Soon I will sink my toes into green grass.


Jen said...

NOT that i'm telling you to change your mind - because i'm really not and i think it's important to listen to you intuition, especially now.

BUT i wonder if the process would be different with a different therapist? it's something to consider if you ever decide to jump back into traditional therapy.

now, go back and read that first sentence again because i really mean it. :)

sandra said...

I'm wondering why you think it might be different with a different therapist? I honestly had not considered it until I read your comment and suddenly it is all I can think of when I consider the next step in my process. Now I am just wondering why that seems compelling to me.

I very much appreciate your comment.

Jen said...

i wondered if it would be different or better because that's definitely how it was with me.

with my first therapist, i felt like she was annoyed with me for having problems and wanted to get me fixed and move on. i felt badgered and beat up when i left the sessions.

the second person i saw was more interested in hearing about lesbians in general (seriously) and i felt like he was mostly voyeuristic and gross.

and then i found the right therapist for me.

all of a sudden, i felt like i was getting together for a cup of tea with a wise friend. it was relaxing and cathartic at the same time and when i left the sessions, i felt lighter and better and like i had some tools to use against issues that come up again and again for me.

in short, it worked.

so, not to say that taking a break to do things on your own isn't valid but, if you decide to get back into it, changing therapists is worth a shot. :)

sandra said...


my current therapist - with her for 6 years - is lesbian and a mom. i feel comfortable with her. but in thinking about your suggestion i am considering finding a new therapist. maybe someone who deals with ppd and whatnot. i want someone who is lesbian friendly and not going to treat me like a science project, you know.

i also wonder why i want to start new with a new therapist. i feel like i've let my old therapist down by not having a natural birth. and i am mad at her for even allowing me to think i could do it. so maybe i should finish this stuff up with her before i move on to a new therapist.

i wish you had a blog - you are interesting.