I am reading a self help book about recovering from a traumatic birth.
I read Chapter 1 this morning before C woke up.
I used my highlighter like it was a school project or something.
I want to feel better. I want to incorporate the experience and the scar from the unplanned c-section and the sense that I somehow failed.
I wanted to welcome C into the world calmly, gently, and with ease. Why did that not happen?
People tell me that I should be happy that C is here, alive and well, and to nevermind the birth and how she got here.
Can I be both? Happy - ecstatic, even - that she is here, alive and well... AND sad that things didn't go as planned?
Because today I am both.