Today = TERM!
Last therapy appointment for awhile today. A few sessions ago I'd indicated to L that I will probably not be doing therapy until the new year - mainly for financial reasons... (I am going on mat leave and so is A and we will have less $$$).
We talked today about how in therapy I've felt like I've had nothing to work on really - and that I've been feeling that way for the last 6 months. In the last 3 months we've done a lot of hypno-birthing work and not necessarily the "real work" of therapy. She also said that in many ways we haven't done the "real work" of therapy because she hasn't pushed it - pregnancy is a unique time to focus inward in different ways that traditional therapy. She suggested however that after the baby is born I may feel like there is work to be done again. At the very least, processing the birth itself is important. I get that.
We also talked about my tendancy toward depression and how it may/ may not manifest itself after giving birth. We talked about the time of the year - I'll be giving birth in September and by November winter will set in... and winter in London, Ontario can be hard and depressing. I talked about how work has always "saved" me from "winter blues" in many ways because in teaching I had purpose and on long cold days I could get lost in lesson planning and then get out of the house 5 days a week to teach exciting lessons and get students going on interesting projects.
I suppose as a mother my purpose will still be there - but different.
We talked about getting me out of the house. To which I said, "I hate the cold - I hate the snow..." And I anticipate not having a lot of money... so what does one do on a cold day with little money? She waited as though I'd answer that question myself. But I asked her again, "Really... what does one do on a cold day with little money and an infant?" She suggested taking an infant massage class - I like that idea (though I think it might be expensive). And I know that the doula centre very near my house offers infant massage. What about a trip to the library? Central library is huge and has great parking and good food in their cafe... I love the library system here. I could sit and read with our baby in a sling. Perhaps I should start putting books on hold. Swimming or a Mom and Baby Yoga class? (Expensive - maybe).
Something else she asked me: Are you okay with telling A that you don't have all the answers when it comes to dealing with an infant? I think I am. She asked this because she knows that I can be intellectual and a perfectionist. That dealing with an infant is unpredictable and that they don't come with instruction books. She reminded me that when I started teaching and was in a classroom for the first time not a lot from teacher's college applied and there was a learning curve to deal with. Caring for an infant is the same thing. Theory and practice can overlap but usually don't. She also knows that I can kick my own ass if I am "not doing it right." That I can get down on myself if I don't have the answers and/or feel a certain level of competency. I tend to turn inward when I am struggling with something. She knows this.
But you know what? I am so glad that A is off for the first 3 months. We can definitely figure this out together.