My therapist is back from her month long trip in Africa. I went to see her this week. I was amazed at how my emotions just surfaced immediately when I got there. I thought I was feeling fine. And when I left, I really didn't feel better.
Two things are influencing my PPD:
The Need to be Perfect
The Need to be in Control
Parenting and motherhood is imperfect. I choose to do things that I know I can do. I walk around with a sense of confidence and competence. But when it comes to being a mom, I am not always competent and not always confident.
I also like to control my world. Pregnancy, birth, motherhood, etc., cannot be controlled. They just are. They are unpredictable.
Of course, I see all of this in theory. It is the in practice part that is challenging.
My ears have been open lately. I am looking for messages. I want to face the challenges of motherhood. I want to get through the depression, sadness, and anxiety. I want to get the lessons. I want to grow.