I love that my little one looks so much like me. I love it. And I am blown away by it. My boring features are so beautiful and new when they are on her.
Do I pay special attention to her features because I am her mom - or is it because I used donor sperm to make her- or a little bit of both?
It's funny. Partner A was on the phone with her mum who said she'd hoped that baby C inherited my hair and not partner A's hair... A did not remind her mum that C was conceived using donor sperm.
But here is what is even funnier. Baby C has A's long eyelashes, little chin, and sweet dimples!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I just knew
After the birth I felt I'd lost my connection with my body - that intuitive sense that I could give birth naturally. I worried that maybe I never had that sense. I guess because I'd never had the opportunity to give birth according to my plan. But reflecting the other day I realised that I was intuitive - I was connected - I did have that sense. I knew something was up. And that morning, when I realised that my baby wasn't moving, I could feel that something was up. I just knew.
I used to think the only way I'd feel strong/ powerful/ intuitive/ wise is if I gave birth that way. Now I am seeing that the intuition was always there. I gave birth. My baby is alive today because I just knew it wasn't going according to plan, it wasn't going to happen at home and I was going to need some help.
I used to think the only way I'd feel strong/ powerful/ intuitive/ wise is if I gave birth that way. Now I am seeing that the intuition was always there. I gave birth. My baby is alive today because I just knew it wasn't going according to plan, it wasn't going to happen at home and I was going to need some help.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Shifting
We met with the developmental resources people this past Thursday. Actually it was a woman and she came to our house. C is looking good and meeting milestones. We will meet with the woman a few more times in C's first year, and then the case will most likely be closed.
I was pretty nervous that morning.
I had to tell C's birth story - or at least the parts that necessitated the developmental resources woman coming out to assess C.
So yeah I had to share the hard stuff with this woman. And I didn't cry. Believe me I have cried so many times about all of this - to the nurse at the PPD group, to the other women in the PPD group, to my mom, to my therapist, to my best friend over the phone, to my midwife, to my partner, and in the 3am darkness as I fed C... I have felt shame, guilt, anger and just plain sadness. But this time when I told it, I felt pretty calm. I don't think I was numb or removed, because I remember for a fleeting moment feeling proud for us for being so strong and courageous.
I was pretty nervous that morning.
I had to tell C's birth story - or at least the parts that necessitated the developmental resources woman coming out to assess C.
- On the morning of the day C was born she wasn't moving in utero
- When my water broke it was dark with meconium
- She wasn't recovering well when my uterus contracted
- Emergency c-section
- I had to go under general anaesthetic because my intake bloodwork indicated infection
- Her 1 minute apgar was 1 or 2 (at 5 minutes it was 8)
- She had meconium in her lungs and tummy
- She was in NICU for 5 days
So yeah I had to share the hard stuff with this woman. And I didn't cry. Believe me I have cried so many times about all of this - to the nurse at the PPD group, to the other women in the PPD group, to my mom, to my therapist, to my best friend over the phone, to my midwife, to my partner, and in the 3am darkness as I fed C... I have felt shame, guilt, anger and just plain sadness. But this time when I told it, I felt pretty calm. I don't think I was numb or removed, because I remember for a fleeting moment feeling proud for us for being so strong and courageous.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Safe in my Arms
We had 4 month shots yesterday. C cried. But not as bad as the 2 month shots. I got to hold her during the shots this time. Maybe that helped. She was much easier to console this time.
I have to admit, I pay attention to how long it takes for her to be consoled by me. I am almost embarrassed to admit that. The reason I do this is because I want her to feel safe with me. Partner A says she has no reason to not feel safe - I know this is true. However, I sometimes think (worry) that because of her difficult birth and her not seeing me for 12+ hours after she was born that she doesn't find comfort in my arms. That we didn't bond.
I am learning that bonding is an on-going process (not just in the 2 minutes after the birth). And in my heart (which is the best place for this kind of thing) I know we've bonded. She does feel safe in my arms.
I used to think that I would've given anything to re-do the birth... given anything so that I could've been there to welcome her into the world, to see her in those minutes that followed the birth. I am quietly accepting that things went the way they did.
I have to admit, I pay attention to how long it takes for her to be consoled by me. I am almost embarrassed to admit that. The reason I do this is because I want her to feel safe with me. Partner A says she has no reason to not feel safe - I know this is true. However, I sometimes think (worry) that because of her difficult birth and her not seeing me for 12+ hours after she was born that she doesn't find comfort in my arms. That we didn't bond.
I am learning that bonding is an on-going process (not just in the 2 minutes after the birth). And in my heart (which is the best place for this kind of thing) I know we've bonded. She does feel safe in my arms.
I used to think that I would've given anything to re-do the birth... given anything so that I could've been there to welcome her into the world, to see her in those minutes that followed the birth. I am quietly accepting that things went the way they did.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
We Have a Tummy Sleeper
It all started when C figured out how to roll over, the other day. That night she was up several times after rolling over and then crying out because she was feeling stuck on her tummy. She didn't (and still doesn't) know how to roll onto her back. We got zero sleep.
By the third night she was content to sleep on her tummy. She got in a record 8 hours worth of uninterrupted sleep. [That was last night]. I went in this morning to find her waking up - on her tummy. She's so clever.
But we do worry. Because babies are not supposed to sleep on their tummies. [We all did, but that was a different time]. I am getting over my worry because I figure if she is choosing her tummy, and not crying out when she is on her tummy, then she must feel comfortable on her tummy.
Another case of C being on her own path in life.
By the third night she was content to sleep on her tummy. She got in a record 8 hours worth of uninterrupted sleep. [That was last night]. I went in this morning to find her waking up - on her tummy. She's so clever.
But we do worry. Because babies are not supposed to sleep on their tummies. [We all did, but that was a different time]. I am getting over my worry because I figure if she is choosing her tummy, and not crying out when she is on her tummy, then she must feel comfortable on her tummy.
Another case of C being on her own path in life.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Milestones
C turned 4 months today. Today she rolled over - several times - then figured out how to get her arms out in front of her - then pushed up her upper body - several times.
Today she put her toes into her mouth - is that a milestone?
She was also chewing on toys, pacifier, fingers, etc. Teething, perhaps?
She is grabbing at toys now too. Not always efficiently. But grabbing nonetheless.
Most of this happened overnight. Literally.
Incidentally, we are meeting with Developmental Resources people at some point, soon. They are going to assess whether C is meeting milestones. There was some concern about oxygen to her brain due to the meconium in her lungs at birth. Doctors did do an MRI when she was a few days old and said she was "normal," but Developmental Resources scheduled a follow-up anyway. Makes sense. So we shall see.
Today she put her toes into her mouth - is that a milestone?
She was also chewing on toys, pacifier, fingers, etc. Teething, perhaps?
She is grabbing at toys now too. Not always efficiently. But grabbing nonetheless.
Most of this happened overnight. Literally.
Incidentally, we are meeting with Developmental Resources people at some point, soon. They are going to assess whether C is meeting milestones. There was some concern about oxygen to her brain due to the meconium in her lungs at birth. Doctors did do an MRI when she was a few days old and said she was "normal," but Developmental Resources scheduled a follow-up anyway. Makes sense. So we shall see.
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