Thursday, May 14, 2009

First Time and Now Time

The first time I was ttc I was in better shape than I am now. I lost weight. I was walking all the time and doing yoga 2+ times a week. I had acupuncture every other week. I was getting lots of sleep, night after night, etc.

My life is so different now. My body - I don't recognize it now. When I walk I am walking with a toddler - it isn't that healthy city hike style walking. I miss yoga - but would not feel zen in a yoga class for an hour wondering what C was up to (I know it would probably be good for me to have that time, though). Can't afford acupuncture and my acupuncturist is in India anyway. Plus, the zen issue (see yoga above). And sleep? Sleep? Seriously? I mean things have been looking good in the last 3 days on the sleep front... but I don't sleep like I used to (haven't had a Sunday sleep in since... um, August 2007).

I am not complaining. I am not making excuses. I am just recognising the reality of my life right now.

The thing I found with ttc the first time is that whenever there was a BFN I would blame my body. I was so hard on myself. I look back and I am sad that I had to be like that. But ttc is hard and BFNs are even harder... I needed to make sense of it all somehow.

It is weird now to be going into ttc#2 with no time/ energy/ inclination/ money/ whatever to lose weight/ walk/ do yoga/ do acupuncture/ sleep in/ whatever. I wonder if I should halt things and spend the next few months catching up with all of the above. Honestly, my gut is telling me I am perfect the way I am (which doesn't mean I will get pregnant again). I just want to love myself more this time around.

I don't know. This where I am today.

1 comment:

Jen said...

i swear, the universe is so good to me. i've been so behind on your blog and today, your name fell into my head and i'm catching up.

coincidentally, i'm having alllllll the feelings you mention in this post and we're planning on ttc #2 in two weeks.