Friday, May 29, 2009

CD14 - Cycle Cancelled

Cycle cancelled.

My E2 went up and then dropped. My follicles grew. But my E2 was all over the place.

Right now I am feeling quiet.

My first reaction is to inwardly attack. I judge my body. I wonder what I did wrong. Was it something I ate? Is it because I am eating more sugar than the first time I ttcd? Seriously. Is it because I am fat? Is it because I don't do yoga anymore? Is it because I don't get a full night's sleep? Judgement and blame.

Later I'm sure I will feel sad or angry or some combination of uncomfortable emotions.

Patrner A is bummed. She had to go to work. She tells me that she is reminded of the first time we were ttc. The tension and uncertainty and the high high hopes and disappointment... and the feeling of everything kind of being on hold.

I get uncomfortable with her disappointment, you know?

Of course I hoped/believed we'd have the perfect cycle that would lead to a BFP first time around this time.

Of course I believed that because we have a baby, because we are mamas, that ttc#2 would be different. And maybe it is. But many of my feelings and especially my first reaction today feels very much the same.

We have 2 more tries - 2 more vials of C's donor.

C is waking up from her nap. I have so much more I want to say...

1 comment:

Jude said...

I know it is hard to have a cycle cancel (it sucks, I remember it well), but if you only have 2 vials of C's donor, then perhaps it's a good idea to wait for a really good cycle?

I know it still sucks, I'm just reframing. xoxo