I saw my midwife a month ago - I see her next week. She talked briefly about how pregnancy #2 could trigger unresolved stuff around the labour/delivery in #1. I am so not articulate tonight. But basically a door has been opened, so to speak. I am anxious about going through labour. I am scared of C-section #2 and NICU and all the other stuff that happened when C was born. The midwife said that a lot of women work through it/ heal/ etc. only to find that things come up at the simple prospect of having to birth another baby. And that if those things stay unresolved then they come with them to the delivery and stop them from being present. I was telling my mom this and she said, "yes yes yes, the midwife is right on." I am even afraid of more PPD. So much so that I feel like I am feeling it all over again. One of the reasons I have been so missing in action w/blogging is because this is hard shit to talk about. And that guilt/shame I felt when I was in PPD-land is back, making me all quiet. I haven't been sleeping well either. I feel like I am ready to start dealing, I just don't know where/how to start. I suppose writing it here is step 1.
* * * * *
In other news, I believe I am feeling the baby kick these days. What is funny/odd is that I remember the full hard kicks of later in pregnancy not these little fluttery things. So I keep mistaking it for gas or something, and then I go, wait that isn't gas that's the wee bub.