Shifting

We met with the developmental resources people this past Thursday. Actually it was a woman and she came to our house. C is looking good and meeting milestones. We will meet with the woman a few more times in C's first year, and then the case will most likely be closed.

I was pretty nervous that morning.

I had to tell C's birth story - or at least the parts that necessitated the developmental resources woman coming out to assess C.

• On the morning of the day C was born she wasn't moving in utero
• When my water broke it was dark with meconium
• She wasn't recovering well when my uterus contracted
• Emergency c-section
• I had to go under general anaesthetic because my intake bloodwork indicated infection
• Her 1 minute apgar was 1 or 2 (at 5 minutes it was 8)
• She had meconium in her lungs and tummy
• She was in NICU for 5 days

So yeah I had to share the hard stuff with this woman. And I didn't cry. Believe me I have cried so many times about all of this - to the nurse at the PPD group, to the other women in the PPD group, to my mom, to my therapist, to my best friend over the phone, to my midwife, to my partner, and in the 3am darkness as I fed C... I have felt shame, guilt, anger and just plain sadness. But this time when I told it, I felt pretty calm. I don't think I was numb or removed, because I remember for a fleeting moment feeling proud for us for being so strong and courageous.