New and Beautiful

I love that my little one looks so much like me. I love it. And I am blown away by it. My boring features are so beautiful and new when they are on her.

Do I pay special attention to her features because I am her mom - or is it because I used donor sperm to make her- or a little bit of both?

It's funny. Partner A was on the phone with her mum who said she'd hoped that baby C inherited my hair and not partner A's hair... A did not remind her mum that C was conceived using donor sperm.

But here is what is even funnier. Baby C has A's long eyelashes, little chin, and sweet dimples!

I just knew

After the birth I felt I'd lost my connection with my body - that intuitive sense that I could give birth naturally. I worried that maybe I never had that sense. I guess because I'd never had the opportunity to give birth according to my plan. But reflecting the other day I realised that I was intuitive - I was connected - I did have that sense. I knew something was up. And that morning, when I realised that my baby wasn't moving, I could feel that something was up. I just knew.

I used to think the only way I'd feel strong/ powerful/ intuitive/ wise is if I gave birth that way. Now I am seeing that the intuition was always there. I gave birth. My baby is alive today because I just knew it wasn't going according to plan, it wasn't going to happen at home and I was going to need some help.

Happy Birthday Baba!

C and I made a cake for A's birthday which is tomorrow.

Shifting

We met with the developmental resources people this past Thursday. Actually it was a woman and she came to our house. C is looking good and meeting milestones. We will meet with the woman a few more times in C's first year, and then the case will most likely be closed.

I was pretty nervous that morning.

I had to tell C's birth story - or at least the parts that necessitated the developmental resources woman coming out to assess C.

• On the morning of the day C was born she wasn't moving in utero
• When my water broke it was dark with meconium
• She wasn't recovering well when my uterus contracted
• Emergency c-section
• I had to go under general anaesthetic because my intake bloodwork indicated infection
• Her 1 minute apgar was 1 or 2 (at 5 minutes it was 8)
• She had meconium in her lungs and tummy
• She was in NICU for 5 days

So yeah I had to share the hard stuff with this woman. And I didn't cry. Believe me I have cried so many times about all of this - to the nurse at the PPD group, to the other women in the PPD group, to my mom, to my therapist, to my best friend over the phone, to my midwife, to my partner, and in the 3am darkness as I fed C... I have felt shame, guilt, anger and just plain sadness. But this time when I told it, I felt pretty calm. I don't think I was numb or removed, because I remember for a fleeting moment feeling proud for us for being so strong and courageous.

Safe in my Arms

We had 4 month shots yesterday. C cried. But not as bad as the 2 month shots. I got to hold her during the shots this time. Maybe that helped. She was much easier to console this time.

I have to admit, I pay attention to how long it takes for her to be consoled by me. I am almost embarrassed to admit that. The reason I do this is because I want her to feel safe with me. Partner A says she has no reason to not feel safe - I know this is true. However, I sometimes think (worry) that because of her difficult birth and her not seeing me for 12+ hours after she was born that she doesn't find comfort in my arms. That we didn't bond.

I am learning that bonding is an on-going process (not just in the 2 minutes after the birth). And in my heart (which is the best place for this kind of thing) I know we've bonded. She does feel safe in my arms.

I used to think that I would've given anything to re-do the birth... given anything so that I could've been there to welcome her into the world, to see her in those minutes that followed the birth. I am quietly accepting that things went the way they did.

We Have a Tummy Sleeper

It all started when C figured out how to roll over, the other day. That night she was up several times after rolling over and then crying out because she was feeling stuck on her tummy. She didn't (and still doesn't) know how to roll onto her back. We got zero sleep.

By the third night she was content to sleep on her tummy. She got in a record 8 hours worth of uninterrupted sleep. [That was last night]. I went in this morning to find her waking up - on her tummy. She's so clever.

But we do worry. Because babies are not supposed to sleep on their tummies. [We all did, but that was a different time]. I am getting over my worry because I figure if she is choosing her tummy, and not crying out when she is on her tummy, then she must feel comfortable on her tummy.

Another case of C being on her own path in life.

Milestones

C turned 4 months today. Today she rolled over - several times - then figured out how to get her arms out in front of her - then pushed up her upper body - several times.

Today she put her toes into her mouth - is that a milestone?

She was also chewing on toys, pacifier, fingers, etc. Teething, perhaps?

She is grabbing at toys now too. Not always efficiently. But grabbing nonetheless.

Most of this happened overnight. Literally.

Incidentally, we are meeting with Developmental Resources people at some point, soon. They are going to assess whether C is meeting milestones. There was some concern about oxygen to her brain due to the meconium in her lungs at birth. Doctors did do an MRI when she was a few days old and said she was "normal," but Developmental Resources scheduled a follow-up anyway. Makes sense. So we shall see.

Zig-a-zig-ahhh

In a few days C will be 4 months.

She is laughing more and more now.

Yesterday we baked cookies to share with the neighbours. A wore C in the wrap and we 3 danced to The Sp1ce G1rls, while the cookies cooled. And C just laughed and laughed.

Hearing your baby laugh is wonderful.

My Heart Hurts

I am sad for Cali at "Creating Motherhood" (http://steinbockfrau.wordpress.com/2008/01/05/there-is-no-off-switch).

The randomness of TTC has never made sense to me. It is so unfair. And it is a big bunch of crazymaking. We are taught that if you do X Y & Z then you will get A B & C. For some TTC just doesn't work like that.

When we first started - well over 3 years ago - we knew a couple who got pregnant on their first try. Boom! They conceived baby#2 (boom! first try!) before we even got baby #1. And we were happy for them - for one thing it gave us hope and for another they are good people and babies are what they wanted... but I will never understand why some people get pregnant first try and for others it takes years.

We lost a baby. It is like Cali says. There is so much guilt it isn't even funny nor fair. It hurts to watch the beta rise and then fall and never really be enough. It hurts to hear, "there is nothing we can do, you just have to wait." The waiting sucks. All the while having pregnancy symptoms because there is some HcG in your system. Talk about a mindf**k. Cali calls it being unpregnant.

When we found out we were "unpregnant" last October we went to the bookstore. I wanted to see where we were - almost 6 weeks along - so we looked at one of those books that shows the various week by week photos of the developing embryo/ fetus. I personally needed a visual of what I was about to lose.

Partner A was looking through a baby name book, turned to a page and said "look" and she started to point to a name on the page. My eye went to it before her finger did. The name was Micah. We both saw the name and knew that that was the name of the little one we were losing.

A few days later I woke up early in the morning. I felt crampy. I woke A. We went into the bathroom together. I felt my uterus contract and expel the contents. I actually caught the blob of blood and cells in my hand. We looked at it. Cried. And then flushed it. It was an awful feeling. But I really needed to see what I was losing.

I took almost a week off work. I spent that week in bed. It rained the entire week. I remember the house being dark all day because of the clouds covering the sun.

It was a huge loss. I e-mailed my therapist telling her that "I've lost faith." I think I'd begun to lose faith way before the miscarriage. TTC was part of what had me feeling as though I'd lost faith. The sad thing is I don't know if I ever got it back. TTC is about loss. Pieces of me - hope, faith - went with every negative test. [I won't even get into what TTC does to a relationship].

Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade our TTC journey for anything. [I can say this now because we conceived]. I am grateful for Micah - I felt blessed to carry him for those few weeks. [Even then I felt blessed].

And then there is baby C in the other room sleeping. I look at her sometimes and my heart just bursts and I can't hold back the tears. She was well worth the wait.

Right now my heart hurts for Cali. I will light a candle for her.

Weight Check

C went to see the midwife today. Not an appointment we just wanted to use their scales. I don't own a scale myself so I like to use theirs to see if I am losing. And of course I like weighing C to see if she is gaining. And she is. 12lbs 5 oz with clothes on.

Then T, our midwife, came out of an office and chatted with us a bit. I heart T. I really do. She was a major part of one of the biggest most important things I've ever done - pregnancy and birth. She was there when C was born (when I wasn't able to be - and nor was partner A). So T is important. More than she knows. I am actually a bit shy when I get around her. I've made her all big in my mind.

We also purchased car #2! C slept in the cuddly wrap while we were in the dealership - then we nursed in the washroom (it was actually comfy) - then she smiled at all the car dealership people. Now she is home. Tired, yet wide awake... I am nursing her now.

My Little Grrl is Growing Up

C has grown out of the swaddle. For the last few weeks she has been able to wiggle her way out of her wrap. The other morning I went in and the wrap was covering her face. Somehow she wiggled herself into that position. Not good. So no more swaddle at night. She has slept well. So we can safely say she's grown out of it. (We are still swaddling for naps because she is a light sleeper during the day).

Another thing she has grown out of is this cute little face she used to make. She would purse her lips. I think she was pooping when she did this. But it was so cute. I never caught it on film. Though there is a photo of me making the same face when I was her age. Anyway, she's not makin' the face anymore.

Here is something else that is different. She is almost 4 months old and in the last few days her schedule (not that she was ever on one to begin with) has totally changed. (I suppose "pattern" is a better word than "schedule"). She is sleeping less and eating less (or maybe just getting more food in at a time). Ch ch ch changes.