One Year Ago Today

Last October I had a miscarriage. It greatly affected my next ttc attempt last December.

Here is my LiveJournal post from one year ago today:

"IUI#5 The Last One"

IUI#5 went well. Before we got there - not so well. Once we got there - okay. The IUI itself - lovely. Very positive experience.

Now I relax.

* * * * *

I had therapy today. Yay therapy. I cried. I cried. And I cried some more.

Up to this morning I was feeling hopeful about the whole ttc thing. Then today - after the insemination - I started to feel all anxious and uncomfortable. It became clear to me that when I try to get pregnant - inseminate - I am open to more possibilities than pregnant or not pregnant. There is the chance of pregnant for now and then miscarriage. I feel less hopeful and really felt less hopeful when I got to therapy.

I am feeling a bit better now.

Things we talked about:
-faith
-ego
-purpose
-trying to control
-doing verses being
-sadness
-anger
-fear
-guilt
-shame
-reconnecting with my spiritual self
-the love between me and A - which she referred to it as "exquisite"

Therapist L shared with me that she lost a baby. We didn't really talk about it. She said it and then said "yes it is a big loss... and yes some people don't get it..."


I have no idea why I called this particular IUI "the last one" - I mean we have two more tries waiting at the clinic, but... maybe I was thinking positively. Maybe I just knew. It was the attempt that brought us baby Carys.






Finally, to Carys, I say: Happy Conception Day!