I am in the living room, on the couch. My baby is asleep in the other room. It took awhile to get her to close her eyes tonight. She napped really well today and I think that left her with some energy this evening.
Last year at this time I was very newly pregnant. In fact, I did my day 18 beta one year ago today and then had to wait for the clinic to re-open in the new year to get the result.
In January we saw the baby on ultrasound for the first time - it was the day before Abby's birthday and when we saw that little heart beating we just cried. But being pregnant still seemed abstract and surreal. We made the decision to tell no one until we were out of the first trimester (due to our loss in October 2006).
So the first few months of 2007 were us walking around with a little secret... and me being sick. Morning sickness, in my case, was all day sickness and it went on well into the second trimester. On days when I didn't feel as sick, I would obsessively worry that I was losing our baby. Funny what 3 years of ttc and one miscarriage will do. My only regret during this time was that I worried too much - and couldn't let myself enjoy.
In March we started telling people.
May/ June were hot and muggy months for me at 6-7 months pregnant. I was teaching on the second floor in a non-air conditioned classroom. I was so uncomfortable and swollen during this time. More ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat several times, my growing belly, and seeing/feeling her move on a regular basis made pregnancy more of a reality. I was worrying less. And pregnancy really suited me.
I was off work starting in July. With teaching no longer occupying my days I slipped into the realm of feminine time. Eating when I was hungry, sleeping when tired, and generally feeling pretty zen. A and I practiced hypnobirthing which required daily guided meditation together - and continued to feel closer and closer.
I loved being pregnant... loved it.
I became a mom on September 8 - Carys came 4 days after her due date. And not at all like we'd planned. Her first week was us running back and forth from home to hospital, with me pumping breast milk for her - at all hours. It was a scary time. I am happy to say that she is healthy now... very healthy.
By the end of September Carys was exclusively breastfeeding - and this was quite an accomplishment (I have my partner, my midwife and a fantastic lactation consultant to thank for that). No one tells you how hard breastfeeding really is... I am glad I stuck with it.
The summer seemed to last well into November. Which was good for me. I was able to get out of the house and take Carys for walks.
I attended a post partum depression support group for 3 weeks in October and I found out that I am not alone in my feelings. Depression is an odd odd thing.
My therapist spent October in Africa and at first I couldn't wait to see her. Now I feel very betrayed by her and therapy - mainly because my work in therapy is what led me to feel empowered enough to want a natural birth (that never happened). I am contemplating a break from therapy in 2008. This is a big deal because therapy has been a huge part of my life for the last 6 years. (I should probably explore this in another post).
In mid-November, A went back to work after 8 weeks of maternity leave. I was like holy-crap-I-have-to-take-care-of-my-little-one-all-on-my-own... happy to say that I am doing fine with it all now. I have spit up on my shirts, don't get to shower everyday, and I'm still wearing my maternity pants most days.
I am finding out that I can live off of 1/2 my income.
This month, my c-section incision has finally healed - yes, there was some issue around a small section of it. And just having the incision open made me feel anxious - I wanted to move on and couldn't - it seemed still so fresh.
Christmas was spent here in Canada with family and friends... and our new baby.
Yesterday we went to the mall and I wore Carys in the Cuddly Wrap. It says a lot that the highlight of my days right now is finally being able to successfully tie a wrap so I can wear my baby!!!
I became a mom this year!!! (Seriously, I still can't believe it sometimes).
In 2008 I want the depression to continue to lift. I want my confidence as a mom to grow. I am excited to watch Carys grow. I want to go with the flow more. I want to love more and fear less.
And, I'd like to move on and starting in the fall teach at a new school - just putting it out there.
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