Bit by Bit

The comments on my "What is bonding?" post have helped shift something in me. A switch has been flipped. I am no longer looking at ways in which C and I have not bonded. Because it isn't about that. We have bonded. We continue to bond.

I have fallen in love at first sight with people. And (for me) it felt like addiction. [Not saying that "love at first sight" is not real or valid - it is real and it is valid - I had to have those experiences and I may again]. With my partner I fell in love slowly, bit by bit, over time. Some parts of falling in love were instant and some took time and evolution. Our relationship is so balanced. There is something very true about our love. There is something very true about the way we love each other. It's been a process.

I kind of see bonding between mama and baby as a process. Some of it is instant. Instantly I wanted to protect her and nourish her. Some of it is bit by bit and over time. As she changes and grows and develops, we see new sides of each other. Or we see the same stuff but in different ways. Bonding evolves.

It no longer works for me to look at what we didn't get when she was born. I am looking at what we have now. I am not even looking for it - it is just there.

2nd Annual Earth Hour

In a half hour we will power down and take part in Earth Hour.

Go to earthhour.org for more info.

Hopefully you can participate too.

What is bonding anyway?

At Easter dinner yesterday my cousin, my mom, and I were talking about breastfeeding. My mom said she believed that Mother Nature invented breastfeeding to help mama and baby bond. My cousin was saying that she used to worry those days when her little one (now 18 - where does the time go?) would seem to be latched on to her 24-7. Probably a growth spurt. She agreed with my mom and said "yeah some pretty wonderful bonding came out of those 24-7 days."

I've always been sad that I didn't get to see (or touch or talk to) to little C when she was born. A got to see her in the moments after she was born when her apgar was 2 and they were "bagging" her - the midwife brought her in to the OR in case C didn't make it (I was knocked out and A was in the waiting room during the surgery). Then C was whisked away, quickly. A saw her again an hour or so later when she was hooked to machines and monitors and in an isolette. But couldn't touch her. I got to see her the next morning - some 12 hours after she was born.

"They" say that first little while after birth is so important in terms of bonding. I still wonder what we all missed out on - the three of us. I've also worried that we aren't "properly bonded." Whatever that means. I look for clues to prove that we aren't bonded - I did that a lot in the first few months. Clues, like: I can't seem to console her right now. This spirals into: she finds no comfort in my presence, therefore we are not bonded, and I suck. Seriously I've taken it to this level - and I'm a fairly confident woman with a relatively good self-esteem (but suddenly I suck).

When does bonding happen? I mean, I agree with my cousin and my mom. Those 24-7 days are bonding. Working together, mama and baby, to figure out how to breastfeed is pretty bonding. Being up in the 3am silence feeding her is bonding. But what about those first few moments after birth - what did I miss?

Going Bananas

C had a bit of organic banana in her mesh feeder today. Her first solid food ever. When she was finished she put the feeder down on the tray - dramatically, I might add - and then pulled her bib off and put it on the tray.

Exactly 6 1/2 months today.

Sleep last night was good after a few days of not so good sleep. [Teething, maybe?] So yeah last night she went down at 10:30pm, up at 1am, up at 6am, up for good at 10:30am. And the 1am and 6am feedings were easy and she didn't need help going back to sleep. I feel refreshed.

I don't even want to get into what her sleep was like 2 nights ago. Just picture 2 very sleepy women handing a screaming and very awake baby back and forth with the clock reading 3:52.

Off to MI tomorrow. C's first time crossing the border.

What is it good for?

C went to her first peace rally today. She slept through the whole thing.

It was particularly sad because I thought of all those soldiers - young women and men - who will never come home to their mamas. I thought of their mamas too - who carried and loved them as babies and watched them grow.

A's nan in England passed away yesterday peacefully at 94. She lost her husband in WWII - and was never the same after that loss.

When will we learn?

Use Your Words

Towards the end of our walk in the park yesterday (when it was 5C) C started to cry. When we got back to the car she was inconsolable. I took her out of the stroller and bounced around with her and talked to her and tried to calm her. When she was calm I started to put her in the car seat and she began crying all over again. I've only seen her like this a few times. So I took her out of the car seat and held her. I didn't want to leave her in the car seat crying. I didn't want to have her crying in the back seat while I drove home. I ended up trying to nurse her with us sitting in the back seat - but she didn't want boob. Eventually she calmed down long enough for us to get home. Once home, I fed her, changed her, rocked her, and she napped for 2 hours.

But oh my it is so hard to hear my baby cry and not be able to fix it right away.

We got out of the house.

We went to the library and we went for a walk in the park!