GD/ Notes/ My Momma/ Happy 2010

Up at 7am to drink the nasty glucose drink for my GD test. Now I am exhausted. C will be "napping" soon and so will I.

Notes from Tuesday's appointment with the midwife:
-Measuring 32.5 weeks; have been measuring big from the start - might be because this is pregnancy #2, could be the fibroid
-Heart rate 135
-Blood pressure 120/60
-Baby is most likely head down
-pinched nerve feeling might go away with prenatal massage (um who has time for that?!), a tennis ball, getting into a pool and floating around, a warm bath, getting off my feet/ putting my feet up, time
-I now have the paperwork to pre-register at the hospital
-I now have a few leads on some good doulas

In other news, my mom is sick. She has cancer and a compromised immune system, went in for chemo yesterday and they pretty much sent her home. Her platelets have dropped - her system is fighting something. And her blood pressure is through the roof. She is also in intense pain. We can't go see her on NYD like planned. She has to stay in bed and she can't be around people. I am worried about her. And so sad that she is going through all of this.

Partner A is cheffing in the new year - so C and I are on our own.

Happy 2010 to you all!

27 Weeks Today

I see the midwife this afternoon for a regular check up.

I have a pinched nerve feeling in my lower back and it is actually making it hard for me to move around. Interested in some safe ways to relieve this pain. Will talk to the midwife today about it.

GD test on the 31st.

Stitched up some flannel baby wipes last night. 15 total.

That's all for now.

To Doula or Not to Doula

What are the benefits of a doula? Why hire a doula?

100 Days to Go

100!

I am feeling pretty good these days. Apart from the anxiety I feel over the prospect of giving birth again.

Because I am off work for the next 2 weeks I have a boost of energy to get some stuff done around the house. So I feel like I am nesting.

Also have a headache - have had it since yesterday. Can't tell if it is a tension headache or I am getting sick. My nose has been runny and I am slightly congested - but this is normal for me at this stage of the pregnancy. So we shall see.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Kicking

I have a little baby moving around and kicking in my belly. And when I am no longer pregnant I will miss the feeling because it truly is the best feeling ever. I am so grateful.

Fever, Iron, Anxiety

So the vax fever lasted less than 8 hours. We do have to go back for shot #2 for C in about 3 weeks.

I am feeling better about the whole H1N1 vax thing.

I am also feeling like I am low on iron. This happened last pregnancy and I ended up taking supplements. I see the midwife again this week. I plan to ask for a blood test to check my iron.

My appetite is still kind of crummy some days. Nothing really appeals to me. Except junk. Which wasn't how it was last pregnancy - by now in my last pregnancy I was constantly hungry and had some regular cravings. I wasn't interested in junk at all.

I have two appointments with a social worker from my work's eap programme. I am dealing with anxiety. Actually I have dealt with a lot of anxiety and my sleep has improved as has my overall outlook. I should post - sometime soon - about my anxiety and whatnot.

That's all.

Vax Update

C has a low fever right now and has been sleeping (which is rare). I'm thinking it's the vax. Not worried. Yet. She's hardly ever been sick. A fever means her body is producing the antibodies.

We Did It!

Well we all got the H1N1 vax. Wasn't sure about it for the longest time. But I teach. And many of my students have been out sick with it. A 2 month old baby died in our city because of it. So we did it. C was fine - didn't even cry. We will see how she is today. Partner A is fine. I'm fine. Definitely not a fan of this kind of stuff when I am a pregnant lady. But... baby#2 will be here in the Spring and maybe H1N1 will be still here then - I want to pass the antibodies on through my breastmilk. So there you go. We did it. Anyone else agonise over the decision?

Boy Parts

So we had the big 20 week ultrasound today. The tech can't say much and didn't. When I asked about gender she said she could only give that info to my midwife. Then later said she couldn't identify gender. But A swears she saw boy parts. I was relaxed but I want to know that everything is okay and baby is healthy. I mean from what I could see all looked well. Baby kicking and jabbing, heart beating, etc. But I am not an ultrasound tech. We won't have the results until next week.

Day 117

Day 117: If you are having a girl, all of her egg cells are in her ovaries.

Think about that. The egg that made my baby girl was in me when I was in my mom. The egg that made me was in my mom when she was in my grandma. I never had the chance to meet my mom's bio-mom... but we are connected... through eggs. Kind of cool. Kind of matrilineal. Funny how we live in a patriarchy but science and Mother Nature suggest otherwise.

Boom boom boom

Nothing like hearing the heartbeat (160bpm!) to make everything all right.

Back in PPD-Land

I saw my midwife a month ago - I see her next week. She talked briefly about how pregnancy #2 could trigger unresolved stuff around the labour/delivery in #1. I am so not articulate tonight. But basically a door has been opened, so to speak. I am anxious about going through labour. I am scared of C-section #2 and NICU and all the other stuff that happened when C was born. The midwife said that a lot of women work through it/ heal/ etc. only to find that things come up at the simple prospect of having to birth another baby. And that if those things stay unresolved then they come with them to the delivery and stop them from being present. I was telling my mom this and she said, "yes yes yes, the midwife is right on." I am even afraid of more PPD. So much so that I feel like I am feeling it all over again. One of the reasons I have been so missing in action w/blogging is because this is hard shit to talk about. And that guilt/shame I felt when I was in PPD-land is back, making me all quiet. I haven't been sleeping well either. I feel like I am ready to start dealing, I just don't know where/how to start. I suppose writing it here is step 1.

* * * * *

In other news, I believe I am feeling the baby kick these days. What is funny/odd is that I remember the full hard kicks of later in pregnancy not these little fluttery things. So I keep mistaking it for gas or something, and then I go, wait that isn't gas that's the wee bub.

We Day and Thanksgiving

I watched the We Day stuff yesterday and just felt so proud of this generation that is coming up right now. I loved seeing the Dalai Lama speak as well. I found myself filled with joy. 30,000 kids! I mean, wow.

Thanksgiving today. We had the turkey and the stuffing and the cranberries and the pumpkin pie. I am feeling full. And then had a bout of my usual evening nausea.

I am thankful for so much. I am especially thankful for the wee one taking up space in my womb and hopefully growing healthy and strong.

Almost 15 Weeks

Time is just ticking along.

The First Trimester Ends When...?

I am 14 weeks today. Does that mean I am through the first trimester? Or is that next week...? Or was it last week...?

I know I need to eat.

I'm hungry. But I have no appetite. And I am slightly nauseous.

Went away with this weekend. Met up with some internet friends and their daughter - who is 2 months older than C. Had lots of fun. Just enjoyed the time away. Easy easy weekend. Apart from the 7 or so hour drive there and back.

Alive and Kicking

There is a live baby in there. 13 weeks 1 day. Heart beating. Fantastic little legs kicking. Everything looked good. I am going to sleep tonight. Thank you all for the supportive comments.

More Later

I've hardly slept. I go for the ultrasound this morning - 8:45. I have to go into work to drop lesson plans off. I also have to go back to work in the afternoon for a meeting and to teach my period 4 seniors. I am hoping for good news. Of course, the tech probably won't be able to tell me anything, so I'll have to wait for the midwife to call.

I am so thankful to have positive messages from you all in my e-mail box this a.m. It means a lot. And I am hoping that Hanen is right - that it is just too early to hear.

More later.

Good news later.

The Latest

I am 13 weeks today. The heartbeat could not be found with the doppler. I go in tomorrow morning for an ultrasound. Of course I am freaking out.

Just Be

So I finally put up a pregnancy ticker. I have been so cautious the last few months and I still have a hard time believing that it worked on the 2nd cycle/1st IUI. Even though there is a ticker I still have a hard time believing. I know a lot can happen in 40 weeks of pregnancy. It took 3 years to make baby #1. And I have a hard time believing that I could be so lucky. At the same time I've started to realise that while I am enjoying this pregnancy, I'm kind of not because I am waiting for the shoe to drop (or whatever that saying is). I really want to let that feeling go. I want to give in and just be pregnant. Because for now I am.

The loving just gets sweeter and sweeter.

Thank you wise women who commented on my last post. Ultimately what I am learning is that it is not good to compare. It is not a competition. It is what it is.

In other news, some kind friends came by and helped us get the last several boxes out of storage. Now all we have to do is unpack unpack unpack. Moving is hard work.

Also we had our 4 year wedding anniversary yesterday. Legally married for 4 years - go us. Together for a total of 12, 10 of those years in Canada. Crazy to think about. What a journey. We have changed so much individually and as a couple in those 12 years. We get closer and closer. The loving just gets sweeter and sweeter.

Now I have to go do some dishes - we are having dishawasher issues - and once my dishes are done I can veg out in front of the TV for a bit, yay!

Happy weekend everyone!

She is doing it better than me on so many levels.

My co-worker is pregnant. Like 2 weeks ahead of me. Her first baby. She is a decade younger than me. Went off the pill and bam! got pregnant. So this evening was Meet the Teacher night. It is a BBQ type event in our school's courtyard. Very lovely. They were serving hot dogs and I was starving and dealing with my normal evening sickness. I walked up to her with the hot dog and she kept repeating "no no no" over and over. I said, "What? You are not having a hot dog?" She nods. "Because of the nitrates?" I ask. She nods again. I kind of knew it when she started saying "no no no." I feel all guilty now. I don't make it a habit to eat stuff with nitrates (even when I am not pregnant) or any of the other forbidden pregnancy foods. I am about to google to see about nitrates in pregnancy. I know they're bad. Now I am all worried. And I hate feeling judged. And I hate the I'm doing pregnancy better than you feeling (that I sometimes feel anyway around people who conceive naturally without drugs and donor sperm - like somehow I am less-than). Normally I am confident and chill and generally proud of the way my family has come to be. But sometimes. This evening. I hate admitting it. If you know what I am talking about take a minute to let me know that I am not alone.

I am at that point.

I am at that point where I need a bit of proof once again. I need to hear a heart beat, I need to see an ultrasound image, something. Pregnancy, at this point, is sometimes abstract. Yes I am still dealing with daily nausea and fatigue and weight gain and so on. But I have an active imagination as to what is going on in there or what has happened or might happened. I see the midwife next Tuesday - I am so eager to get that ball rolling. I need proof.

Hot Water

A took C to the fancy city pool today in the community centre behind our neighbourhood. They were in the pool for almost an hour. Apparently it was warm. The woman at the welcome desk told A that the pool is "hot" so when C got in the water she said it was "hot" and started blowing on the water to cool it down. Haha. So yeah they were there for almost an hour and C loved it. We've taken her to pools before and mostly she can't wait to get out, but not today. And it is all she's talked about this evening.

I love my mom/ uh huh/ my mom is cool...

My parents came over today for a little birthday cake for C's birthday. They live in the States about 2 1/2 hours away. I wish we could see them more often. My mom is going through chemotherapy and really kicking cancer's butt. It is great to see how good she is looking. She says she is feeling pretty good too. Some days are better than others.

When they come out to visit - or we go visit them - I am just reminded of how far apart we are physically. Both of us, myself and A, have no family here in Canada. And it is hard sometimes. I am envious sometimes of women who have their moms so close by. Especially after C was born. I just wanted my mom around. My parents are day trip people - they don't come and stay - and sometimes I wish they would come and stay.

After C was born A felt similarly - she wanted her mom around too. I wonder what that is... new motherhood and that wanting mom feeling. Oh well.

Anyway this is me tonight. Also feeling a bit nauseous and have no appetite.

11 weeks 1 day

I went back to work this week. I've spent the last few weeks packing and moving and not really trying on my clothes. It turns out that while I am not showing, I am getting thicker... to the point where getting dressed in the morning is ridiculous. I need to go shopping this weekend. Some of my clothes are quite uncomfortable as the day goes on. I keep going for the stretchy pullover type stuff and so I feel kind of under dressed for my job. Plus it is so hot in the building still that I have to go with the shorter sleeved type stuff - it'd be nice if I could just wear a cardie over a t-shirt and kind of hide what is going on in my hips/bum region. But layering is out of the question - today was 29 degrees... I'm on the second floor and there is no a/c. Anyway, it sounds like I am complaining, I'm not. I wouldn't trade this for anything. And people don't notice it like I notice it. You know?

So yeah, 11 weeks and 1 day... I see the midwife in less than 2 weeks. I am very eager to get that ball rolling. Still not convinced that I am pregnant some days and would like to see/hear what is going on in there, you know? The nausea and heartburn and hunger is not convincing enough. hahaha!

Two!

My little baby C turned 2 today. We ask her, "how old are you?" And she answers, "two!"

Two years ago today... wow!

Sunflowers in September

The community garden near our new house is full of sunflowers. C and I took a walk there the other afternoon.

Update

I now have a midwife - Marie - and I meet with her on 9/22.

Here we are!

We are moved out and moved in. Boxes everywhere. C is adjusting well. She kind of hugged the wall yesterday and said, "New house," with a sigh. She's cute. Partner A did so much to make the move happen this weekend. We also had some friends come by and help. I am tired. Feeling a wee bit sick. Drinking a big glass of yummy milk. All is well.

On the Move

In a few minutes I will have no internet access until Saturday/ Sunday. We are moving.

9 Weeks Today

I am 9 weeks today.

Physically: Plenty of nausea starting at about mid-day; appetite not great; exhausted with insomnia.

Emotionally: In the last week I have had tears over commercials on TV, a local Harley Owner's Group raising funds for the children's hospital(!), a kid who saved some puppies on El.len. Also anxious about moving this weekend and going back to work next week.

What else is going on? I am on a waiting list for a midwife at the midwifery we used for C. I am pretty sure C is teething.

How my life has changed.

Little C is napping today! Yay!

And I am power lesson planning right now. It is amazing how much I have gotten done in 1.5 hours. Back in the day, before baby, I would spend days planning what I've been able to plan today. I know that I have to take advantage of the time I have. Take advantage I am.

Can I get an amen?

I don't know if I can articulate this accurately... but it is true that all the mental shit that goes along with ttc does not go away once pregnancy is achieved.

Insomnia is such a lonely word.

Dear Universe, a full night of sleep please. Thanks, Universe. Love, Me.


The thing that is bugging me the most lately is the fact that I am suffering from insomnia. Which is unusual in the 1st trimester... am I right? I am soooo exhausted, but cannot get my brain to shut off so that I can sleep. At 3am I am thinking about our move on the 28th - we are moving to a new house - I am thinking about the various little things that need to be done before then. I am making lists in my head. I am also thinking about work stuff: lesson plans (I write them in my head at 4am) and meetings and ordering supplies (more list making), etc. (I go back to work on the 2nd). At this point I am over-tired and this is why I can't seem to shut off my brain. That and it is hard to take a moment to think of this stuff during the day when I have an active little toddler underfoot (who pretty much no longer naps). Oh well.

In other news, active little toddler called me by my first name in the store the other day. I was totally caught off guard and had to laugh, before I corrected her.

Oh yeah and I went to my family dotor today to get a bloodwork requisition for my thyroid. I have hypothyroidism and in my last pregnancy my thyroid went wacky and we didn't really discover it until the 3rd trimester. This pregnancy I am determined to stay on top of it.

That's all for now.

Little Bean

There is a little bean measuring 7 weeks 6 days with a heartbeat and everything all where it needs to be.

40 Days

Tomorrow - less than 24 hours away - we go for our 40 day ultrasound. This will make things a bit less abstract I am sure. More tomorrow.

Feeling a bit better.

It is what it is/ It will be what it will be

In kind of a worried/nagative space. This is all too abstract at the moment and surreal and I am still shocked. I can hardly say what I am feeling out of fear. That is all for now.

Tent

We made a tent today. We tied a sheet to wall shelves on either side of our bed. Our bed happens to be a mattress on the floor, at the moment, so it is low. C loved it. She would leave and come back with various toys. She'd bounce around singing songs. She'd lay back and say "tent" in a happy voice. It was the thing she talked about as she fell asleep tonight.

Easy Saturday

Little C is 23 months old today. She will be 2 in a month. 2 !

It is amazing how her vocabulary exploded in England... and how she is stringing together all kinds of words into phrases and sentences. She is a smarty pants, that one.

It rained pretty much all day here. We had the windows open and enjoyed the sound. C played with nearly every toy and read many books and coloured and climbed all over me. It was an easy day.

All is well.

Picnic at the Park

Little C is napping right now! She naps maybe once per week lately. She is growing out of the nap. It is delightful when she naps. I have been able to get some things done.

We went to the park today. On the way we stopped at the local bakery/deli type place and bought fruit and little veggie pizzas. I told C that we were going to have a picnic in the park. We sat on our big rainbow blanket in the shade (oh it was lovely). We ate, we played, we ate some more.

She jumped up and down on the sidewalk by our blanket shouting "Pin-Nik! Pin-Nik!" She'd play for a bit and then she'd look over to our blanket and say, "Pin-Nik." And when we left the park and she was all tucked into our little red wagon she said in the saddest little voice, "Pin-Nik."

I have a feeling that this whole picnic thing made her open to the possibility of an afternoon nap.

So there you go.

Traveling with a Toddler

C did fairly well on the plane to England. 8 hour flight. It was an overnight flight and it took off at her bedtime. We bought a seat for her so we had a row of 3. We lifted the arm rests and she slept between us. She slept 4 hours total. Not exactly a full night. But she didn't cry or fuss. She was just overstimulated checking everything out.

We were over London kind of circling in the air because our flight was delayed and we had to queue in the sky before we could land. She threw up at this point. And again as we were stepping off the plane. I was covered. Passport Control and Customs took pity and ushered us through quickly. We changed once we got to baggage and all was well in the world. Poor little biscuit.

We had a 3 hour car ride to Seaton (Partner A's hometown). Little C slept.

More later, she is awake for the day!

Trust

This is the part where pregnancy seems so abstract.

In the afternoons/evenings I feel some nausea - as far as symptoms go that is about it.

I get worried when the nausea is less than it was yesterday. You would think that after 1 successful pregnancy I would have forgotten the miscarriage. But I haven't forgotten it. It seems to be my default in these early stages. I pay attention to this twinge or that twinge. Every time I wipe, I look. This morning I didn't wake up hungry like I have the past few days and suddenly that was a sign!

We go in on the 14th to see the heartbeat and that the bean is where it should be.

The clinic didn't order a second beta because the first one is "good." They didn't order a second one when I was pregnant with C. They did however when I miscarried - and that beta doubled like it should have. Oh well. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.

Today is CD 26.

Positive.

Day 14 pee test said yes.

I am shocked. Stunned. Speechless.

Today the clinic will call with actual beta results.

More later.

Update: Day 25 Beta is 13,859. High? Low? Just right?

My Whereabouts.

We leave tomorrow for England. We will be back on the 29th. My 2ww ends this Sunday. I will test in England. I do have a beta scheduled with the clinic for the 30th (if I need one). I most likely won't be around a computer too often when I am in England- so you may not hear anything regarding my 2ww until after we are back.

Just the other day I was zen.

Partner A is on a double today. I am frazzled and packing and doing last minute stuff for our trip to England.

My secret shame of the day: it is only 8dpo and I poas. Negative, of course. Way too early. But why did I poas fully knowing 8dpo is too early? (This tells you how anxious and impatient I am). And just the other day I was so zen.

Little C can officially climb out of her crib... and has and fell and what a horrible sound that was. She's okay... and was giggling just moments later. I, on the other hand, not giggling. My heart was in my throat.

Let me tell you about last night.

Let me tell you about last night. Last night we had friends over. 2 friends. We had birthday cake for one of the friends which was more like a mango mousse with a angel food cake base. Yum. We also had a rosemary orange chicken wings - home made as Partner A is a chef in real life. We had a balsamic reduction drizzled over fresh tomatoes and avocados, along with a white bean salad and quinoa. The food was amazing.

The conversation was amazing too. Little C was happily in bed by 8pm. Then the 4 of us sat and talked about life and the universe and religion and spirituality and childhood stuff and work and so on and so on. It was the kind of conversation I crave. The kind of conversation that happens best after a fresh meal and birthday cake and some drinks (though no one had alcohol).

We went to bed at midnight. Little C was up at 4am completely wet through her diaper. She has mad language skills so instead of screaming and crying she just called out to me and told me she was wet. "Mama wet! Diaper, mama, wet! Jammies, mama, wet! Bed, mama, wet!" She was hard to settle after that though because all that changing kind of woke her up more. She ended up sleeping 'til 9am(!) this morning. So all is well in the world.

We are packing today for our trip to England.

Now, with regard to my 2ww, um, I am feeling less than positive. I have been pretty calm and almost positive but now not so much. I don't really want to write much more about what I am feeling. It is enough to say, not so positive. And I hate this part of the 2ww - when the doubt creeps in... and the progesterone tabs build up and mess with my mind. Blah. So, if you have some supportive words it would mean a lot to hear (read) them today.

Local and Fresh.

Eating well on my 2ww.

These are the real deal. Small and red in the middle. Not those genetically modified ginormous white in the middle ones. No way. We are talking fresh and local.

Little C can eat her weight in these.

Green Crafty Mama on a 2WW

So yesterday I avoided the computer almost completely. When C was napping I got out my sewing machine and stitched for a bit. Here is the artsy sewing machine shot.



I made washing cloths. Two layers of flannel - one layer is pretty flowery stuff and the other is green "diaper flannel." Diaper flannel feels a bit more heavy and soft.



When I was pregnant with C I stitched a bunch of cloths like the ones above and we used them as burp and bath cloths. We continue to use them as kind of an all-purpose cloth. They are super absorbant and easy to wash and soften over time.

When C saw them she said, "Pritty flowtahs."

2WW Day 1 Morning

Sleep 'til 8am (no bloodwork, yay!)

Insert progesterone tabs

Remember how lovely progesterone tabs are

Obsess a bit about the timing and the fact that EWCM disappeared before IUI

Consult with Dr. G00gle

Decide I need a plan (distraction)

Decide I need a 2ww ticker

Decide that a 2ww tiker will only help me obsess more

Enjoy breakfast with Little C

To be continued.

12.6 million eager swimmers.
1 beautiful egg.
2 weeks to wait.

More Later.

Good morning it is IUI day.

Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhhh

I am trying not to obsess, but, it feels like a lot of time has passed since the clinic called me yesterday afternoon to say, "trigger tonight and IUI on Sunday." I feel like it is too late. I have forgotten the timing of it all. I am worried that I have ovulated already or surged before the trigger or ?? They are the clinic they should know, right? So probably the timing is right on, right?

2ww-Eve

10 days into my 2ww we will be on holiday in England.

Healthy Egg + Eager Spermies = Sticky Bean

The 1.7 is now almost a 2.0. My E2 is 690. My LH is 9. I've done my last injection of meno.pur a few hours ago. In a few minutes I will trigger. Saturday is a "day off" as the nursed called it. IUI is scheduled for Sunday a.m. Light a candle Sunday a.m. for our family and think healthy egg + eager spermies = sticky bean. Thanks.

Still Going

It is now a 1.7 and my E2 is 490(!) and my LH is still 4. Bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow. Needle tracks on my arms from several days of bloodwork. Needle tracks around my belly from how mant days of injecting.

Rising

The 1.5 is a 1.6. E2 is 357. LH is still 4. Lining is 1.0. Bloodwork and ultrasound again tomorrow.

Still in teh game.

The 1.3 is now a 1.5. My E2 is 240 and my LH is 4. I am going in for bloodwork and ultrasound again tomorrow.

Not Cancelled

So, CD10, right? My E2 is 170, LH 3. One dominant follicle at 1.3. They are not increasing my dose. I inject tonight and again tomorrow. Ultrasound and bloodwork on Tuesday. I cannpt help but compare this try to the tries in which I got pregnant. Probably not productive to compare.

One more thing.

One more thing. When I got pregnant with C in 2006 my CD13 E2 was 732 and they only saw one follicle. I am obsessing right now. Just in case anyone cares. I know my E2 is low. I should just call the clinic and cancel the cycle myself.

Updated: The time I got pregnant and early miscarried in 2006, my E2 at CD 12 was 742.

I went back through my LJ and found these numbers... and then I read about my early miscarriage - that was sad and sucky.

TTC is hard.

I am feeling kind of lonely/ sad/ bummed/ confused tonight. It is hard sometimes when A is at work and I am on my own (and obsessing) with my old LJ and g00gle and whatnot.

I know my cycle day now.

Well. CD 8. And my E2 is only 140. I inject again tonight and tomorrow night and go in for bloodwork and ultrasound on Sunday. E2 is looking quite low for CD8. (Lower than the CD8 last cycle). So I am preparing myself for a cancelled cycle.

Also Little C is sick with a cold and she is not really into sleeping or eating. Fever last night, no fever today. Just cranky cranky and awake awake. Poor biscuit.

I have lost track of the days...

Bloodwork tomorrow to see if the Men.opur is working. Honestly I have no idea. I've been injecting since Sunday (?) The first night on it I found myself quite nauseaus for most of the night and had to go to bed early. The following nights I was fine. I don't know if the nausea was related to the Meno.pur. And really nausea is not a sign that it is working anyway. I am curious to see what my bloodwork shows.

What CD am I on? Because I have totally lost track... which in a way is a good sign that I am not getting all wrapped up. It is good to lose track of the days. As long as I don't miss my bloodwork tomorrow.

Tomorrow is also the last day of school for summer. I am often reflective on last days - but I am not feeling it this year. Maybe I will tomorrow... I don't know.

In other news, C has a runny nose. This after her first class at The Li.ttle Gym on Wednesday- which was delightful. She was delightful to watch. We had so much fun. She had so much fun.

That's all.

Junkie

Still injecting.

Wanting and Having

CD 1 today. Bloodwork tomorrow. Men.opur injections all week with bloodwork next Friday.

I don't know if I want to blog about it all. I feel so I don't know.

I must say this: I really want to baby #2. I have no idea if it will happen or not. Whether it happens or not and how I respond to whether it happens or not, I want it known that I want baby #2. I am full of hope and full of fear. I am afraid to want and am not comfortable even saying it out loud.

The things we do.

Yesterday I learned how to shoot up men.opur.

Drug Update

News from RE is that I will be able to try next cycle and instead of pur.egon I will shoot up men.opur.

Old Ovaries

Wednesday I was walking along with C who was pushing her doll baby in a doll baby stroller. I felt this huge wave of love. I felt content and whole and grateful. I decided then and there that whether we have baby #2 or not doesn't matter. I smiled at the sunshine and my almost 21 month old and everything around us.

Thursday I call the clinic to see what the doctor had to say about the cancelled cycle. The clinic actually advised me to make this phone call Monday (which was the Monday that followed the Friday on which the cycle was cancelled). It took me until Thursday to actually feel like making the call. The doctor hadn't been able to look at my chart and I will likely from someone early next week (okay fine). Then I made the mistake of talking with the nurse about the cycle and the bloodwork and dropping estradiol, etc etc etc. She told me she thought my "ovaries are old." Exact words.

Thursday night I was spinning and googling "old ovaries." The Wednesday zen space just kind of vanished.

I am spinning way less today. But "old ovaries"?! Who says that?!

Hopped up on Fertility Drugs

Okay so I am all hopped up on fertility drugs and then the cycle is cancelled and that's it. I am sure that I am ovulating or something today. Maybe not with amazing get pregnant eggs. But something is going on down there in there because I am feeling the mittelschmerz.

Oh well.

Also I have this great desire to craft and create. On Friday/Saturday I really wanted to sew something. I didn't have the chance. My sewing machine is packed away because we are moving at the end of August and we are packing now(?) in May... June. I want to make C a smock for when she colours and paints. Today I am all about making my own deodorant*.

I realised in my great desire to craft and create that I almost always felt this way when a cycle was cancelled or a BFN was had when making C.

Maybe it is psychological. I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe my body was gearing up to craft and create new life and when it didn't/ couldn't/ wouldn't then the energy of that intention was left kind of hanging there, you know?

Anyway, in general I am feeling okay. Partner A and I talked about how "everything feels on hold" whilst ttc. We listed things that might be on hold and we are going to do some of those things over the next little while.

I am glad too that the precious vials that made C wasn't wasted this time.

I am hoping for more productive cycles in the future, of course.

*make your own deo: 1/4 c baking soda, 1/4 c cornstarch, 10 drops tea tree oil, 2 TBSP (maybe more) coconut oil - mash it all together - apply in a thin layer with fingers - store in a cool place (I have no idea if it works and am afraid to try it out on a workday... but there you go).

CD14 - Cycle Cancelled

Cycle cancelled.

My E2 went up and then dropped. My follicles grew. But my E2 was all over the place.

Right now I am feeling quiet.

My first reaction is to inwardly attack. I judge my body. I wonder what I did wrong. Was it something I ate? Is it because I am eating more sugar than the first time I ttcd? Seriously. Is it because I am fat? Is it because I don't do yoga anymore? Is it because I don't get a full night's sleep? Judgement and blame.

Later I'm sure I will feel sad or angry or some combination of uncomfortable emotions.

Patrner A is bummed. She had to go to work. She tells me that she is reminded of the first time we were ttc. The tension and uncertainty and the high high hopes and disappointment... and the feeling of everything kind of being on hold.

I get uncomfortable with her disappointment, you know?

Of course I hoped/believed we'd have the perfect cycle that would lead to a BFP first time around this time.

Of course I believed that because we have a baby, because we are mamas, that ttc#2 would be different. And maybe it is. But many of my feelings and especially my first reaction today feels very much the same.

We have 2 more tries - 2 more vials of C's donor.

C is waking up from her nap. I have so much more I want to say...

CD12

E2 = 245, LH= 3.

One dominant follicle at 1.4 on the right.

Bloodwork and ultrasound on Friday.

Who is following this? Anybody out there?

Monday Update

CD10 today and my estradiol and LH have dropped - on CD 8 it was 165 and 4, today it is 150 and 3. Ultrasound today showed 3 follicles - 1.3, 1.2, 1.1. RE has increased my Pur.egon. Ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday.

Dropped!?

CD3

CD1 came about a week early. So here we are at CD3. Bloodwork, check. Inject 100 iu of Pur.egon later today, check.

First Time and Now Time

The first time I was ttc I was in better shape than I am now. I lost weight. I was walking all the time and doing yoga 2+ times a week. I had acupuncture every other week. I was getting lots of sleep, night after night, etc.

My life is so different now. My body - I don't recognize it now. When I walk I am walking with a toddler - it isn't that healthy city hike style walking. I miss yoga - but would not feel zen in a yoga class for an hour wondering what C was up to (I know it would probably be good for me to have that time, though). Can't afford acupuncture and my acupuncturist is in India anyway. Plus, the zen issue (see yoga above). And sleep? Sleep? Seriously? I mean things have been looking good in the last 3 days on the sleep front... but I don't sleep like I used to (haven't had a Sunday sleep in since... um, August 2007).

I am not complaining. I am not making excuses. I am just recognising the reality of my life right now.

The thing I found with ttc the first time is that whenever there was a BFN I would blame my body. I was so hard on myself. I look back and I am sad that I had to be like that. But ttc is hard and BFNs are even harder... I needed to make sense of it all somehow.

It is weird now to be going into ttc#2 with no time/ energy/ inclination/ money/ whatever to lose weight/ walk/ do yoga/ do acupuncture/ sleep in/ whatever. I wonder if I should halt things and spend the next few months catching up with all of the above. Honestly, my gut is telling me I am perfect the way I am (which doesn't mean I will get pregnant again). I just want to love myself more this time around.

I don't know. This where I am today.

Nothing More than Feelings

Because I have been so heavily considering ttc soon I find myself remembering the first time. Once we actually take the plunge so to speak we will be opened up to the possibility of loss and all sorts of complex feelings that come with ttc. People say it is different once you have a kid already. Probably it is. Nothing ever is the same. But honestly a lot of old feelings circa 2004 - 2006 have been surfacing.

CD ? - I don't know

My prescriptions and protocol from the clinic arrived in the mail today. I haev no idea what CD I am at this point - I predict CD 1 is about 2 weeks away, maybe less. Still deciding whether or not to try in May/June.

Everything Looks Good

The SHSG was interesting. It was uncomfortable at first, but much easier than the HSG. Saline was placed in my uterus to expand it and then pics were taken. The whole point was to see if any of my fibroids were compromising the shape of my uterus. The good news is that my fibroids are not compromising the shape of my uterus. "Everything looks good," RE said. And if I want to, I can start ttc with my next period. I had this weird contradictory feeling about not starting because I don't want to use up my vials of sperm - because I know how long it took and how much I used the last time. But I will never C if I don't TT, you know?

Open For Business

I don't remember the HSG procedure hurting much when I had it done in 2004. Today it was uncomfortable and painful. Once it was done I was fine. It turns out my tubes - both tubes - are open. "Everything looks good," my RE said.

I go back on Wednesday for the SHSG.

I took the day off today. We were up early this a.m. I had to "bring someone" according to the nurse who booked the procedure. So partner A and little C came along. Our nap - yes I actually napped when C napped, so did A - was long and lovely. This is what I miss when I am working.

We also went out to lunch and a used bookstore. With C shouting, "Books! Books! Books!" at the bookstore and making bookstore people giggle. She also shouted "Bus! Bus! Bus!" everytime we passed large bus-like vehicles, could be trucks. "Oh that's a truck, honey," one of us would say. So she'd correct herself and yell, "Bustruck! Bustruck! Bustruck!"

Doctor's Appointment Today:

C is 21 lbs 7 oz and almost 34 inches tall... 34 inches is almost 36 inches, which is almost 3 feet. She is one tall 19 1/2 month old.

CD3 - And WARNING Birth Trauma Talk

Cd3 Bloodwork today - no results though because I am not in a "treatment cycle." If I was trying this month the clinic would have phoned me by 3pm with results. I can call in on Monday if I want results - if not then I will find out more on the 24th when I go in for the HSG.

Trigger warning: Please stop reading if you are sensitive about complicated birth/ labour.

In the waiting room today I was reading an article in some magazine, can't remember, I was called pretty quickly for the blood draw. Anyway, the article was one woman's story about PPD. Her story was so similar to mine, right down to the complicated labour/delivery with the baby in NICU. Man I could relate to what she was writing. Time has passed and I do feel so differently about what happened the day C was born - and the days and weeks that followed. But I could relate. The writer really took me back there. She happens to be pregnant with baby #2 and this was important to the story she was telling... she closed the article with the idea that it isn't how you give birth that matters, it was what you do afterwards - in the years and years that follow as you raise that baby up. She was like me in that she was really focused on giving birth and that giving birth had to happen a certain way. I think for me that was how I coped with the unpredictability of mamahood/welcoming a new baby into my life - I coped by almost fixating on the fact that labour/delivery were complicated. I don't know. But I was stuck and sad and that led to depression, in the beginning. Which led to not asking for help and turning inward.

Prior to giving birth I fixated on how I will give birth as a way to cope with how scared I actually was about giving birth; I was trying to be in control of something that by nature is not something one can control. I know now that it is what it is. But there I was with all these expectations and judgements. My birth plan was verrrrrrrry specific.

We are getting ready to put our house on the market... and one night before bed we were talking about all the memories we've made in this house over the 9 years we've lived here. We were taking turns almost. On one of my turns I said, "my water broke on the kitchen floor..." It did. And it was filled with meconium and followed by a 2 minute drive (literally) to the hospital just up the road. Labour became fast and painful after my water broke. 45 second contractions that were about 1-2 minutes apart. I've come to associate the pain of labour with the fear that something is wrong with my baby - and something was wrong her lungs and stomach were full of meconium when they emergency c-sectioned her out.

I worry that I will be scared the next time I give birth (if even there is a next time) because I will associate that pain with being afraid. Labour pain means good things - baby being born, body doing what it needs to do, etc. But I don't know if I will be able to be zen like that.

I don't know what I am trying to say. This just feels like stuff I need to write out. And I will say this - remembering all of this has not been a bad thing at all - and that woman's article was a good thing to read on my CD3 bloodwork day.

CD 1 Today

Okay so today is CD1. We are not *trying* with this cycle, but a few tests have been scheduled and CD3 bloodwork is going to happen this Saturday.

The tests: On Monday the 27th I am going to have an HSG. This is the dye test where they check whether my fallopian tubes are clear and open. I've had this procedure before - in 2004. Then, it showed a slight blockage in my left tube. Odd thing is that the egg I produced that resulted in C was in my left ovary. Who knows what it'll show this time. I am hoping clear and happy tubes, of course. I found the HSG to be fairly easy, not uncomfortable, and interesting... because I actually watched the dye move through my uterus and fallopian tubes.

On Wednesday the 29th I will go in for the SonoHSG. My uterus will be filled with saline and a high tech x-ray camera thing will check for things like fibroids (which we know exist), their type and placement, and how specifically they are affecting the shape of my uterus. I've never had this procedure before. I'm curious as to what it'll show.

I have to admit, I am worried about the fibroids. I know that they can be dealt with and the RE seems completely low key about it all. And I don't know if it is the fibroids I am worried about or the intense pain I have on day 1 of my period - which probably has something to do with the fibroids... I don't know. Pain scares me. I guess I am worried too that they won't determine what this pain is about... and then what.

I really hope that baby #2 will be a reality, you know? I hope that things found can be dealt with. I hope I am healthy and that my uterus is in good shape and ready to go. I hope that my eggs are still good (CD3 bloodwork will give us information on eggs). That's a whole lot of hope eh?

I guess this means we are officially ttc#2. I mean once all the emotions start, you know you are in it.

CD 35

I officially have a dates/times for the HSG and the SHG procedures.

Things are ticking along here.

C hit 19 months a few days ago. 19 months. I can't believe how many words she can say.

Om

So C is big on "what animals say" right now. What does a monkey say? What does a lion say? What do ducks say?

We have a terracotta buddha in our backyard. She calls him BooBah. Not to be confused with the boobah she says for blueberries. This BooBah is different. Anyway, we ask her: "What does Buddha say?" She answers: Om. Only she stretches out the Om. And it is beautiful the way she says it. Om is a beautiful sound. But to hear her go "OOOooooommmmmMM" is lovely. And she will randomly say Om throughout her day lately.

So there you go.

RE Says:

So I met with the RE this past week. We talked about my fibroids. He is going to do 2 procedures. The HSG (which I've had before) to see if my tubes are open. And the SHG to see the shape of my uterus which will show as well the placement of my fibroids. The size/shape/placement of fibroids are what matters when it comes to fertility. Also the type of fibroid can be an issue too. The RE seems optimistic. We have options when it comes to fibroids.

I have CD3 bloodwork to do next cycle. HSG and SHG next cycle.

He has suggested I stop breastfeeding. He won't begin anything until I am done with breastfeeding. I can wean now or continue and come back when I have weaned. This is the part I am struggling with. We are down to one session per day. Have been for several months. I don't think I am producing much. But I was hoping to let C self-wean. I am not getting any younger however - so if we are ttc we need to get going.

So um yeah./

RE Appointment Today

Fibroids don't seem to be an issue so much at this point. The bigger issue is that I am still nursing.

Calcified?!

Had an ultrasound today to check status of fi.broids discovered when I was pregnant with C. Ultrasound tech said he found a few that were calcified. He couldn't really say more and I see the RE tomorrow. Very nervous/ worried/ scared that ttc#2 isn't going to happen. I didn't think I'd care so much about the whole ttc#2 situation. But I do.

Completely Knackered

What a lovely sun filled easy day today. C is completely knackered. Two parks in one day. Lunch and dinner outside. Bath time right now with her Baba. And soon I will nurse and rock her to sleep. Happy Sunday everyone! Enjoy your week.

Blueberries.

Little C sees an ad on the back of the Today's Parent magazine that came in the mail today. In the ad there are gorgeous bleberries. She signs eat and says "eat." Points to the blueberries and says: booberries. It was so clear. She didn't need to sign eat - as she was saying it so clearly along with the sign. Then she pretended to pluck a few blueberries from the ad - she put them in her mouth and said: Mmmmmmmmmmm. She put a few in my mouth too.

So we got in the car, went to the grocery store, and bought some blueberries.

DST

Can I just say how much I hate daylight savings time?

It has really messed with C's sleep. Not the first night. But by night 2 and 3 she was so confused. She had a hard time actually falling asleep. Then she became an overtired overwhelmed mess. Poor biscuit.

Just when I felt as though we'd sorted out the sleep stuff and established a good schedule.

Why do we do DST? And what can we do to stop it?

18 Months Old/ Houses/ Sunday Lovin'

Little C is officially 18 months old today. For the past two days she has not been big on nap time. She is awake right now playing in her crib while I deal with dinner, laundry, and blogging. She's fine. Just not sleeping. And of course daylight savings time does not help.

The other day A took C for a long walk in the park by the river. She saw the ducks eating and she signed "ducks eating." I am pretty sure that was the first time she combined to signs, pretty cool, eh? And I only showed her the sign for duck once - several weeks before.

She will mimic everything we say - or at least the last word/ syllable. It amazes me the way language acquisition works. No one told her to mimic. It's built in. The way our brains learn language.

She has a favourite book lately. Can't tell you the title - it's upstairs and I don't want to go up there yet. But it is this book that shows pictures of things, shows numbers, colours, the alphabet, etc. The colourful pictures of things is what she likes. She can point to most of what you ask her to point to. It is amazing. There was a picture of a sippy cup. She points at it and says, "sip sip sip." We didn't even explicitly teach her "sippy cup." She just picked it up along the way. Amazing.

18 months old. I was looking at the photos from x-mas. I remember taking them and at the time thinking wow she is growing up she doesn't look like a baby much. But looking back on those photos today I went wow she looks so young... so little... so like a baby. That was only 3 months ago - less than.

* * * * *

Next week we are looking at some new houses - newly built in a neighbourhood closer to downtown. We are pretty sure we will buy. And most likely be moving in later this year. Our house we are in right now will go on the market in the summer. We are working our butts off while the little one naps and whatnot to paint and generally fix things up. Change is afoot. Exciting change.

* * * * *

Enjoy your Sunday!

March 18

March 18 doesn't really seem that far away. This is the day we go see the RE and re-open our file for ttc#2. I wasn't expecting an appointment that soon actually. But I will take it. There is lots to do before ttc#2 gets officially gets underway.

4 Things:

At this point I am waiting for the clinic to call me back so we can set appointment to get started with ttc#2.

I have to call and schedule an ultrasound (not through the clinic) to check out fibroids and why I am in such pain during my period. [Scared they will find something].

After 17 1/2 months of life with baby I am still negotiating life with baby. I wish I had time (or energy) to elaborate.

Can't wait for springtime and getting out of the house and into the sunshine.

Update on TTC#2

Tomorrow I see my doctor. Yearly exam sort of thing. Plus she has to refer me to the babymaking clinic. Apparently you must be referred each time you wish to re-open your file and start ttc again.

I was in touch with the babymaking clinic today however. I was expecting a bill from them in January for the storage of our 2 vials of sperm. When the bill didn't arrive I worried that somehow they were no longer storing the sperm. So I called them. Still being stored and the bill is on the way.

I have a few issues that I need to discuss with my doctor tomorrow. Period pain stuff. I am scared that she will say um no you can't ttc#2 because of these issues. I am fearing the worst. Because that is sometimes how I roll.

If we can ttc then most likely we will start in May... unless C is still nursing... hhhhmm I'm thinking fertility drugs and nursing don't mix. Speaking of C nursing, she has been down to one nursing session per day for the past week.

We do have plans to visit partner A's family in England in July/August. In fact, purchased the tickets today. So maybe we will wait until after July/ August to start ttc. Who knows. I'm sure the next few months will unfold as they are meant to unfold and when the time is right for ttc then ttc will happen.

Today is Where it is At

Okay so I really just need to stay present. I cannot predict nor control the future. It is what it is. Period. And I will be fine no matter what.

Can't Fix It

We are in the land of runny noses. Little C is miserable. She isn't sleeping nor napping well at all. She just falls asleep and then the congestion seems to wake her up. The longest stretch of sleep she's had is maybe 2 hours. We are pretty exhausted too. Holding up well, though.

I feel pretty helpless in all of it - I have to say. I had this realisation about it this morning when I felt myself dreading the day ahead of us. I can't fix it for her. I can't make her nose stop running. I can help her a bit. But I can't fix it. It was a hard thing to get my head around and I have to admit it had me feeling kind of distanced. Hard to explain. Maybe someone relates.

As soon as I was able to see my feelings for what they were I very much eased into the day. As soon as I could say to myself you want to fix things but you can't and that is okay then I eased into the day. I snuggled with C as she fell asleep for her nap and I was there when she woke up 30ish minutes into her nap. I helped her get back to sleep for nap part 2. So there you go.

The land of runny noses.

When all else fails.

Tell me what your toddler loves to eat.

Possibly Maybe

I called the clinic today to make the appointment to open our file and start ttc#2. I have an appointment with my family doctor at the end of February and then after that I will see the RE. I don't have an appointment with the RE yet.

I have no idea when ttc#2 will begin... for one I am still nursing C and I am not ready to wean. But... we are thinking May-June-July... possibly maybe.

I am excited. And also feeling a bit - I don't know - just wondering if I am ready to get back into the whole ttc thing. Loss and anxiety and hope and complicated stuff all mixed together and divided into 2 week chunks.

Absent and Reading

Toddler sleep issues consume me lately.

That, and I am posting more often on my LJ.

New Year's Day

We spent NYD in MI. My mom made goulash and banana bread. One of my brothers was there with wife and kids. It felt good to sit around the dinner table - very much like old times and very much needed. I have so much hope for 2009.

My dad said (when I called him to say we made it back safely) that my mom said today was one of her "best days ever."