Hopped up on Fertility Drugs

Okay so I am all hopped up on fertility drugs and then the cycle is cancelled and that's it. I am sure that I am ovulating or something today. Maybe not with amazing get pregnant eggs. But something is going on down there in there because I am feeling the mittelschmerz.

Oh well.

Also I have this great desire to craft and create. On Friday/Saturday I really wanted to sew something. I didn't have the chance. My sewing machine is packed away because we are moving at the end of August and we are packing now(?) in May... June. I want to make C a smock for when she colours and paints. Today I am all about making my own deodorant*.

I realised in my great desire to craft and create that I almost always felt this way when a cycle was cancelled or a BFN was had when making C.

Maybe it is psychological. I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe my body was gearing up to craft and create new life and when it didn't/ couldn't/ wouldn't then the energy of that intention was left kind of hanging there, you know?

Anyway, in general I am feeling okay. Partner A and I talked about how "everything feels on hold" whilst ttc. We listed things that might be on hold and we are going to do some of those things over the next little while.

I am glad too that the precious vials that made C wasn't wasted this time.

I am hoping for more productive cycles in the future, of course.

*make your own deo: 1/4 c baking soda, 1/4 c cornstarch, 10 drops tea tree oil, 2 TBSP (maybe more) coconut oil - mash it all together - apply in a thin layer with fingers - store in a cool place (I have no idea if it works and am afraid to try it out on a workday... but there you go).

CD14 - Cycle Cancelled

Cycle cancelled.

My E2 went up and then dropped. My follicles grew. But my E2 was all over the place.

Right now I am feeling quiet.

My first reaction is to inwardly attack. I judge my body. I wonder what I did wrong. Was it something I ate? Is it because I am eating more sugar than the first time I ttcd? Seriously. Is it because I am fat? Is it because I don't do yoga anymore? Is it because I don't get a full night's sleep? Judgement and blame.

Later I'm sure I will feel sad or angry or some combination of uncomfortable emotions.

Patrner A is bummed. She had to go to work. She tells me that she is reminded of the first time we were ttc. The tension and uncertainty and the high high hopes and disappointment... and the feeling of everything kind of being on hold.

I get uncomfortable with her disappointment, you know?

Of course I hoped/believed we'd have the perfect cycle that would lead to a BFP first time around this time.

Of course I believed that because we have a baby, because we are mamas, that ttc#2 would be different. And maybe it is. But many of my feelings and especially my first reaction today feels very much the same.

We have 2 more tries - 2 more vials of C's donor.

C is waking up from her nap. I have so much more I want to say...

CD12

E2 = 245, LH= 3.

One dominant follicle at 1.4 on the right.

Bloodwork and ultrasound on Friday.

Who is following this? Anybody out there?

Monday Update

CD10 today and my estradiol and LH have dropped - on CD 8 it was 165 and 4, today it is 150 and 3. Ultrasound today showed 3 follicles - 1.3, 1.2, 1.1. RE has increased my Pur.egon. Ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday.

Dropped!?

CD3

CD1 came about a week early. So here we are at CD3. Bloodwork, check. Inject 100 iu of Pur.egon later today, check.

First Time and Now Time

The first time I was ttc I was in better shape than I am now. I lost weight. I was walking all the time and doing yoga 2+ times a week. I had acupuncture every other week. I was getting lots of sleep, night after night, etc.

My life is so different now. My body - I don't recognize it now. When I walk I am walking with a toddler - it isn't that healthy city hike style walking. I miss yoga - but would not feel zen in a yoga class for an hour wondering what C was up to (I know it would probably be good for me to have that time, though). Can't afford acupuncture and my acupuncturist is in India anyway. Plus, the zen issue (see yoga above). And sleep? Sleep? Seriously? I mean things have been looking good in the last 3 days on the sleep front... but I don't sleep like I used to (haven't had a Sunday sleep in since... um, August 2007).

I am not complaining. I am not making excuses. I am just recognising the reality of my life right now.

The thing I found with ttc the first time is that whenever there was a BFN I would blame my body. I was so hard on myself. I look back and I am sad that I had to be like that. But ttc is hard and BFNs are even harder... I needed to make sense of it all somehow.

It is weird now to be going into ttc#2 with no time/ energy/ inclination/ money/ whatever to lose weight/ walk/ do yoga/ do acupuncture/ sleep in/ whatever. I wonder if I should halt things and spend the next few months catching up with all of the above. Honestly, my gut is telling me I am perfect the way I am (which doesn't mean I will get pregnant again). I just want to love myself more this time around.

I don't know. This where I am today.

Nothing More than Feelings

Because I have been so heavily considering ttc soon I find myself remembering the first time. Once we actually take the plunge so to speak we will be opened up to the possibility of loss and all sorts of complex feelings that come with ttc. People say it is different once you have a kid already. Probably it is. Nothing ever is the same. But honestly a lot of old feelings circa 2004 - 2006 have been surfacing.

CD ? - I don't know

My prescriptions and protocol from the clinic arrived in the mail today. I haev no idea what CD I am at this point - I predict CD 1 is about 2 weeks away, maybe less. Still deciding whether or not to try in May/June.