Everything Looks Good

The SHSG was interesting. It was uncomfortable at first, but much easier than the HSG. Saline was placed in my uterus to expand it and then pics were taken. The whole point was to see if any of my fibroids were compromising the shape of my uterus. The good news is that my fibroids are not compromising the shape of my uterus. "Everything looks good," RE said. And if I want to, I can start ttc with my next period. I had this weird contradictory feeling about not starting because I don't want to use up my vials of sperm - because I know how long it took and how much I used the last time. But I will never C if I don't TT, you know?

Open For Business

I don't remember the HSG procedure hurting much when I had it done in 2004. Today it was uncomfortable and painful. Once it was done I was fine. It turns out my tubes - both tubes - are open. "Everything looks good," my RE said.

I go back on Wednesday for the SHSG.

I took the day off today. We were up early this a.m. I had to "bring someone" according to the nurse who booked the procedure. So partner A and little C came along. Our nap - yes I actually napped when C napped, so did A - was long and lovely. This is what I miss when I am working.

We also went out to lunch and a used bookstore. With C shouting, "Books! Books! Books!" at the bookstore and making bookstore people giggle. She also shouted "Bus! Bus! Bus!" everytime we passed large bus-like vehicles, could be trucks. "Oh that's a truck, honey," one of us would say. So she'd correct herself and yell, "Bustruck! Bustruck! Bustruck!"

Doctor's Appointment Today:

C is 21 lbs 7 oz and almost 34 inches tall... 34 inches is almost 36 inches, which is almost 3 feet. She is one tall 19 1/2 month old.

CD3 - And WARNING Birth Trauma Talk

Cd3 Bloodwork today - no results though because I am not in a "treatment cycle." If I was trying this month the clinic would have phoned me by 3pm with results. I can call in on Monday if I want results - if not then I will find out more on the 24th when I go in for the HSG.

Trigger warning: Please stop reading if you are sensitive about complicated birth/ labour.

In the waiting room today I was reading an article in some magazine, can't remember, I was called pretty quickly for the blood draw. Anyway, the article was one woman's story about PPD. Her story was so similar to mine, right down to the complicated labour/delivery with the baby in NICU. Man I could relate to what she was writing. Time has passed and I do feel so differently about what happened the day C was born - and the days and weeks that followed. But I could relate. The writer really took me back there. She happens to be pregnant with baby #2 and this was important to the story she was telling... she closed the article with the idea that it isn't how you give birth that matters, it was what you do afterwards - in the years and years that follow as you raise that baby up. She was like me in that she was really focused on giving birth and that giving birth had to happen a certain way. I think for me that was how I coped with the unpredictability of mamahood/welcoming a new baby into my life - I coped by almost fixating on the fact that labour/delivery were complicated. I don't know. But I was stuck and sad and that led to depression, in the beginning. Which led to not asking for help and turning inward.

Prior to giving birth I fixated on how I will give birth as a way to cope with how scared I actually was about giving birth; I was trying to be in control of something that by nature is not something one can control. I know now that it is what it is. But there I was with all these expectations and judgements. My birth plan was verrrrrrrry specific.

We are getting ready to put our house on the market... and one night before bed we were talking about all the memories we've made in this house over the 9 years we've lived here. We were taking turns almost. On one of my turns I said, "my water broke on the kitchen floor..." It did. And it was filled with meconium and followed by a 2 minute drive (literally) to the hospital just up the road. Labour became fast and painful after my water broke. 45 second contractions that were about 1-2 minutes apart. I've come to associate the pain of labour with the fear that something is wrong with my baby - and something was wrong her lungs and stomach were full of meconium when they emergency c-sectioned her out.

I worry that I will be scared the next time I give birth (if even there is a next time) because I will associate that pain with being afraid. Labour pain means good things - baby being born, body doing what it needs to do, etc. But I don't know if I will be able to be zen like that.

I don't know what I am trying to say. This just feels like stuff I need to write out. And I will say this - remembering all of this has not been a bad thing at all - and that woman's article was a good thing to read on my CD3 bloodwork day.

CD 1 Today

Okay so today is CD1. We are not *trying* with this cycle, but a few tests have been scheduled and CD3 bloodwork is going to happen this Saturday.

The tests: On Monday the 27th I am going to have an HSG. This is the dye test where they check whether my fallopian tubes are clear and open. I've had this procedure before - in 2004. Then, it showed a slight blockage in my left tube. Odd thing is that the egg I produced that resulted in C was in my left ovary. Who knows what it'll show this time. I am hoping clear and happy tubes, of course. I found the HSG to be fairly easy, not uncomfortable, and interesting... because I actually watched the dye move through my uterus and fallopian tubes.

On Wednesday the 29th I will go in for the SonoHSG. My uterus will be filled with saline and a high tech x-ray camera thing will check for things like fibroids (which we know exist), their type and placement, and how specifically they are affecting the shape of my uterus. I've never had this procedure before. I'm curious as to what it'll show.

I have to admit, I am worried about the fibroids. I know that they can be dealt with and the RE seems completely low key about it all. And I don't know if it is the fibroids I am worried about or the intense pain I have on day 1 of my period - which probably has something to do with the fibroids... I don't know. Pain scares me. I guess I am worried too that they won't determine what this pain is about... and then what.

I really hope that baby #2 will be a reality, you know? I hope that things found can be dealt with. I hope I am healthy and that my uterus is in good shape and ready to go. I hope that my eggs are still good (CD3 bloodwork will give us information on eggs). That's a whole lot of hope eh?

I guess this means we are officially ttc#2. I mean once all the emotions start, you know you are in it.

CD 35

I officially have a dates/times for the HSG and the SHG procedures.

Things are ticking along here.

C hit 19 months a few days ago. 19 months. I can't believe how many words she can say.