March 18

March 18 doesn't really seem that far away. This is the day we go see the RE and re-open our file for ttc#2. I wasn't expecting an appointment that soon actually. But I will take it. There is lots to do before ttc#2 gets officially gets underway.

4 Things:

At this point I am waiting for the clinic to call me back so we can set appointment to get started with ttc#2.

I have to call and schedule an ultrasound (not through the clinic) to check out fibroids and why I am in such pain during my period. [Scared they will find something].

After 17 1/2 months of life with baby I am still negotiating life with baby. I wish I had time (or energy) to elaborate.

Can't wait for springtime and getting out of the house and into the sunshine.

Update on TTC#2

Tomorrow I see my doctor. Yearly exam sort of thing. Plus she has to refer me to the babymaking clinic. Apparently you must be referred each time you wish to re-open your file and start ttc again.

I was in touch with the babymaking clinic today however. I was expecting a bill from them in January for the storage of our 2 vials of sperm. When the bill didn't arrive I worried that somehow they were no longer storing the sperm. So I called them. Still being stored and the bill is on the way.

I have a few issues that I need to discuss with my doctor tomorrow. Period pain stuff. I am scared that she will say um no you can't ttc#2 because of these issues. I am fearing the worst. Because that is sometimes how I roll.

If we can ttc then most likely we will start in May... unless C is still nursing... hhhhmm I'm thinking fertility drugs and nursing don't mix. Speaking of C nursing, she has been down to one nursing session per day for the past week.

We do have plans to visit partner A's family in England in July/August. In fact, purchased the tickets today. So maybe we will wait until after July/ August to start ttc. Who knows. I'm sure the next few months will unfold as they are meant to unfold and when the time is right for ttc then ttc will happen.

Today is Where it is At

Okay so I really just need to stay present. I cannot predict nor control the future. It is what it is. Period. And I will be fine no matter what.

Can't Fix It

We are in the land of runny noses. Little C is miserable. She isn't sleeping nor napping well at all. She just falls asleep and then the congestion seems to wake her up. The longest stretch of sleep she's had is maybe 2 hours. We are pretty exhausted too. Holding up well, though.

I feel pretty helpless in all of it - I have to say. I had this realisation about it this morning when I felt myself dreading the day ahead of us. I can't fix it for her. I can't make her nose stop running. I can help her a bit. But I can't fix it. It was a hard thing to get my head around and I have to admit it had me feeling kind of distanced. Hard to explain. Maybe someone relates.

As soon as I was able to see my feelings for what they were I very much eased into the day. As soon as I could say to myself you want to fix things but you can't and that is okay then I eased into the day. I snuggled with C as she fell asleep for her nap and I was there when she woke up 30ish minutes into her nap. I helped her get back to sleep for nap part 2. So there you go.

The land of runny noses.