Elephants Have Tails

Happy Halloween!

Bundled Her Up

So I bundled C up and took her out for a walk in her stroller in the snow. Yes, snow. Welcome to winter in Canada. The walk and the crisp air mellowed her out. I'm thinking we might get a sled and pull her around in it once the snow is really here.

All Done

We are eating. C starts signing "all done." All done. All done. For some reason it just isn't registering with me. Signing hasn't been consistent. I'm not getting it. I make another spoon of yogurt and I take the spoon to her mouth. All done. All done. She closes her mouth and shakes her head. All done. Finally it registers and I say, "ah you are saying all done - you are done eating!" She smiles. I let her down.

Get with the programme, mama... ha!

Where are your shoes?

This past weekend C got her first pair of shoes. Today I was getting her ready to go out for a walk so I say to her, "Where are your shoes?" She went and got her shoes and brought them to me. She's a smarty pants.

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When she wants to nurse, she asks by saying, "boom boom?"

Short Post

A is sick. I am hoping that C and I don't get what she has.

In All of This

She's had a fever and general crankiness for a day and a half. She sat on the couch for the days leading up to the fever and while she had the fever. She didn't play. She just sat. Yesterday she woke up with her eye a bit pink on one side. Doesn't appear itchy or runny. And she got her play back. Her mood improved. No fever.

In all of this her sleep has been crap. She's been refusing food as well. Added several nursing sessions (ouch) and cut a tooth.

It is hard work being a baby.

My Micah

Two years ago today I lost my first pregnancy. It was a Sunday morning. First time pregnant after almost 3 years of trying. I was 5 1/2 weeks along. A was by my side as I contracted and bled into the toilet.

Some people would say I experienced a chemical pregnancy. Others would say miscarriage. Call it what you want. It was early in the pregnancy. And loss is loss. I still remember it.

I also remember the 5 days of rain that followed - the weather matched me. I did not go to work or get out of bed for those 5 days. It still stings. It was a dark time. Hope was given new meaning. I felt disconnected. I felt like it was all too unfair.

The bleeding actually started at work. I still see those moments - I was panicky, sick, and already mourning (I knew what was coming) - and if I step on the stairs just right, or turn a corner just so, then I am back there. Back at work, seeing the blood, instinctually wanting to be at home.

We named the little one Micah - after his named popped out to both of us in one of those baby name books. We went to the bookstore the evening of the day that the bleeding started - on a Friday night. I wanted to look at one of those week by week pregnancy books, just to see where I was and what the little one looked like.

That day also happened to be National Pregnancy Loss Day.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was carrying a boy - strange as that sounds. [When I found out I was pregnant with C I knew I was carrying a girl - though I wanted to keep an open mind, and wouldn't say so out loud]. I also knew that I would lose him. The numbers did double. But they started out low. I just had a feeling.

In my experience, this kind of loss is deep and profound. I really felt alone and like I had lost a part of myself. But it was deeper and more profound than that. Really there are no words. It is a loss I can still feel in my core.

I also feel that I was meant to carry him - even for that short while. I was meant to, much in the same way I was meant to be C's mama. And as such his life had meaning. Even conceptualising it this way feels odd and new, but right for me.

So, yes, Micah was a gift and I was honoured to hold him, carry him, and be that vessel.

I know he is around. I am thankful to him for humbling me, pushing me to grow, and showing me life.

Fall Colours, Thanksgiving Style

From our big long Thanksgiving walk today.

We have a pumpkin pie in the oven right now. I wish I could take a picture of that lovely smell and post it for you all. MMmmmm.

What are you thankful for?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

In honour of Canadian Thanksgiving, tell me what you are thankful for - blog about it - then let me know you blogged about it.

Cheers!

Yeeeoooowww

She has 6 teeth. She was up in the night 3 times. This morning she points to her teeth and says, "yeeeooooowww." Teething? I'm thinking so. Poor biscuit. She has also become quite fussy with food. In fact, ate so little yesterday that I was worried. She is eating very little again today. This is a teething side effect, I'm sure. We actually went out and got her some organic formula today to have for her nap bottle (which is usually goat milk) and she didn't like it, at all.

We did manage to take her to the park today before lunch. We let her crawl all over this thing they have at the park. I want to call it a jungle gym, but it isn't. It's this huge thing with platforms and slides and places for her to crawl. She loved it. Got her knees all dirty. She's funny - doesn't mind dirty knees, but if her hands get dirty she holds them up to me until I wipe them.

Anyway, A is upstairs right now attempting to get her to go down for her nap. The formula bottle has been traded for goat milk. So, we shall see.

Milestones, sleep regression, missin' her mama

Last night was way better in the sleep department. It's funny though how I blame myself when sleep isn't going well. What am I missing, what am I doing wrong, etc. And I take credit when it goes well. But really it has very little to do with me. I mean, everything is set up for her to have a good night's sleep. The rest is up to her. And whatever she is going through developmentally.

Bleu talked about milestones and how they affect sleep. Jen suggested we were at the 13 months sleep regression. And Jude said she misses her mama. Everyone is right. C is on the verge of walking. I read up on the sleep regression stuff (even borrowed the Wonder Weeks book from the library which is all about this sort of stuff) and I believe it applies to C. And, yes, she misses her mama - this is where she is developmentally. Plus, we are nursing less. Incidentally last week she dropped her morning nursing session, this week she added an afternoon nursing session.

So this is where we are. Sleep went well last night. Every night is different. My expectations are adjusted. All is well.

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She can point to her nose when you ask her, "where's your nose?"

Stats

From 1 year appointment (she is 13 months tomorrow)... 19 lbs and 29 inches long.

Holy Sleep Woes

For the past several days it has been taking C longer and longer to fall asleep. Rather, she falls asleep easily - I rock her - and when I go to put her down she wakes up and clings. We have gone from a 15 minutes get her to sleep in her crib session to 45 minutes plus. Last night it took 3 hours! I'm confused. I feel like I am missing something.

I will ask for help.

Today is a better day. A went to work in the morning. C slept later than typical, which allowed me to sleep later than typical. Then C and I went for coffee (I had the coffee, she had goats milk in a sippy) and breakfast. Then we spent some money and bought a few necessities. Now she is napping and I've been able to start some laundry and put the trash and recycling out.

Re: yesterday, as the day went on A and I talked. I am going to ask for help more.

Here is the thing about A: she is one of those in the moment people. She is so easy going. She doesn't dwell on yesterday, she is not planning tomorrow, she is just here right now in the moment. And she manages to get her sh*t done. She is grounded and easy. She has always been this way and she has gotten even more mellow with age. This is what attracted me to her in the first place. I, on the other hand, am not mellow and in the moment. I wouldn't say that I am the exact opposite. And I have to say that I can be mellow about certain things. I've certainly developed the ability to be more and more present over the years. But being anxious is a coping mechanism of sorts for me. I stress. I worry. I plan. I write lists.

I don't know.

I do know this though - I said it yesterday and I will say it again today - I do not want C to experience the tension I experienced growing up.

Start Over

I don't like who I have become lately. I am overwhelmed with balancing parenting with work. I have things that need to get done and I am not getting to them. I get up early in the morning and go to work - where the moment I walk in the door I have students following me around/ needing my attention... I have a principal who needs something... and staff in my department who need me... I have e-mails and lessons to plan... and a student teacher who needs something. After work I get home and I talk to A for 15 minutes and then she is out the door. I am with C, who, naturally, needs me - she's my baby. I am tired and drained when I get home. I want to sleep. I want to check out. But I stay present and get lost playing with C. Books and toys. We watch E11en. We eat dinner. We go for a walk or run an errand. Have a bath. Go to sleep. Sometimes she is asleep by 8:15 or 8:30 or 9:30. (She wakes up once more for boob before going to bed for good). Sometimes I have time to run around and do a load of laundry and wash a stack of dishes or sweep the floor or scoop the litter box. Sometimes I get a bunch of things done sometimes I get nothing done. I feel bad when I get nothing done because that means A will have to deal with it the next day or I will deal with it later in the day if A never gets to it. September is over and I am exhausted. I don't know who I am anymore. I have bags under my eyes and more grey hairs. When I finally have a day off - Saturday - I have a huge list of stuff I want to/ need to get done. I wake up with this sinking feeling. Or overwhelmed feeling. Or maybe it is anger or guilt or something. Maybe I am depressed. But whatever I wake up ready to get shit done and I run around at some terrific speed and everything is passing me by. For the past two Saturdays A has been off work. She has noticed that we don't have fun together on days off anymore. She is being honest, she says. I notice it too - so I am not shocked or anything. But I get why my mom was so cranky when I was a kid. She was overwhelmed. She had shit to do. A hasn't been looking forward to our days off together. She is triggered into her own stuff about her parents and how they were. Triggers lead to feelings... and everything else that I don't have the energy to get into here. I listened to what she had to say. I said what I needed to say. I have also put myself down. Called myself a shitty mom and an assh*le and a bunch other un-necessary things. I do that, go inward and blame myself. I don't have the energy anymore. A wants me to ask for help. If there are things she can do for me in the week she wants me to ask. And there are things she can do to help. Asking for help brings up a lot of issues for me. I remember being able to do it all on my own. I pride myself on being independent. It doesn't feel good to turn to someone else. It doesn't feel good to depend. But I can't do this anymore. I want to have fun on days off. I want to go with the flow. I want C to not feel tension like the tension I am surely bringing into the house. The tension I wake up with. The tension I grew up with. I don't want to be my mom. I don't want to be pissy and tired and overwhelmed. I want to be me. I want to like my life again.

13 Months in 5 Days

C can point to her belly, her teeth, her toes... she signs drink and sometimes eat... she will say "bah" when we are in the bathroom and she is looking at her bath... she will say "bah" when she sees her soccer ball... she will go get her soccer ball when I say, "Go get your ball" or "Where's your ball?" She will sometimes push the ball to me... and sometimes she will push it and follow it... she fights the high chair, hates sitting in it... she squeals when she sees the cats... she hugs me or A and says "aaawwww" while stroking our arms or shoulder... she will kiss and before she kisses says "mmmmmmmm."

She will be 13 months in 5 days.

Something is Up

I should know by now that when it takes her a long time to fall asleep at bedtime (when it normally takes 15-20 minutes) that something is up. She was up throwing up in the night. Not milky spit up. But big kid throw up. She is sleeping now. Time to go to work.

Ice in the Drizzle!?

October started yesterday. In the evening C and I went to the bank and the grocery store and I swear the drizzle that was falling had ice in it. Last year summer lasted long. We were taking C for walks (she wasn't even a month old!) and wearing shorts and flip-flops in October. What a gift the weather was for me - new mama with some serious PPD starting up.

Am I the only one dreading winter weather and not being able to get out?

I don't know if it is dread or fear. I know that once the snow starts we are stuck in. Our house is small. It is amazing what getting out of the house does for C and her sleep.

Anyway, um... day 3 of her sleeping through her morning nursing session. I am not ready to wean yet. Just saying.

Day 2

Day 2 of her sleeping through her morning nursing session. I'll be leaving for work soon. I hope that there is still milk there on the morning she wakes up and we have time to nurse.

In other news: I am having the worst menstrual cramps ever in the history of menstrual cramps. Okay I am being dramatic. But seriously they are awful.