Where did the time go?

I had a moment of sadness today thinking about going back to work on Monday.

I have so enjoyed my time with C. It has not been easy. It has been crash course culture shock at times. I have been doing a lot of figuring out as I go. But this has been my life since September. C and I together everyday. My constant companion.

I console myself with the fact that I will be off in July and August.

I guess I think about all the time and I wonder where it went. It's been a flurry of learning mamahood around here. All that time is gone. I look at C and she is so big now. Not that teeny tiny 6lb 15oz little bitty baby that we brought home. Where did that time go? I'm sad. I am mourning something here.

My constant companion. Partner A went back to work when C was 2 months old. She tells me that it will be hard and you will think about her a lot during the day. But it gets easier.

I plan to pump milk for her. I am letting her lead the way with weaning. I hope I pump enough.

The Weekend is About to Fly By

So I had some prints made of recent photos of C to take to work with me on Monday. I bought a cute little photo album to put them in. I go back to work on Monday. I am blah about it right now.

A lovely day was had by all.

I am definitely making the most of my last week of home time with C.

Today partner A, C, and I went to I.kea. 2 hour car ride. C was so good. She is so cute. She really is at a fun age. We wandered the store. I wore her in the wrap. We nursed in the "baby care" room. Very comfy room. We had I.kea food - the two of us did, not C. C had an organic teething biscuit and momma's milk. We spent money. New chair and a few odds and ends.

Tomorrow the developmental resources worker comes to visit us and see that C is still meeting milestones (more birth follow-up) and then I have therapy. Followed by the evening with C while A is at work. I'm thinking we will go for a walk in the park. Because the weather lately has been amazing - like a real and true spring.

Breakfast

After our a.m. nursing session C and I went to breakfast. It was so fun sitting with her (she has quite the personality now) and watching the rest of the world race around on a busy Monday morning.

She is teething. Teething is rough. She always wakes up chipper and cheerful - no matter what the night before was like.

I love her. I would love her even if she didn't wake up chipper and cheerful.

All I am Saying is:

Teething sucks.

Walkin' Along

C and I went for a big long walk this evening. When she is tucked in her stroller (or if I am wearing her, tucked in her wrap) she is safe. I am not rescuing her from cords and cats and CDs on shelves. She is content. She watches the world go by. It is an easy time. My mind drifts. These walks are the closest thing I've got to meditation lately.

Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

I go back to work in a week and a few days. I will work the month of June. I am off July and August (I teach). Then I go back for good in September (when C is a year).

Yesterday I found out what I will be doing for the month of June. I'm happy to be going back. My assignment will be interesting and the days will fly by. I am excited to see the students. Good good good. It'll feel good to have lunch at the same time everyday - hell, to have lunch everyday period. It'll feel good to have a shower everyday. It'll feel good to talk with other adults.

And I am feeling anxious. I want to keep C safe. I want to keep her full on the booby milk. I want her to still feel bonded to me. I don't want to miss out. It'll all work out.

I have to say too I am ever so grateful to the government of Canada for funding my time off.


* * * * *

In other news, C is mobile. She is a baby on the go. Crawling very much. Also bumping her head very much. And making it hard for me to update.

Figuring it Out as We Go Along

Somewhere between 3 and 4 months C started sleeping at night for longer stretches at a time. At around 6 months she started sleeping for shorter stretches at a time. In the last month (she's 8 months and a week now) she's been waking every 2-3 hours. When she wakes I've been feeding her. Then I started noticing that she wasn't eating much during the day. Reverse cycling? I decided to not feed her when she wakes up in the night and simply rock her back to sleep. We had a horrible go of this - she cried, she rooted, she kept her eyes open while I rocked her... so I'd give in and feed her. Obviously she needed food, right? For the past few nights, partner A has been getting up with her in the night. With A she goes back to sleep within a few minutes - no crying, no rooting, no eyes wide open - and she stays asleep until just before 8am! One wake-up. One short wake up. She's eating more during the day. Now, we've only been doing this for a few days, but... I think we are on to something. [Don't want to jinx it].

A Bunch of Queers and their Kids got Together

We had a super big playdate today. Met up with several queer mama families today. The oldest kid was 5 and the youngest was 4 days! In the backyard of one family's home. Under many shady trees. C played with a 10 month old girl. They don't play at that age. They share space. I nursed C several times. Many of them live within walking from our house. I am building community people.

I am turning a corner.

Went back to therapy the other day and I will go back again at the end of the month. I didn't think I was ready to go back. Now I feel hope because I am going back. Hope like I haven't felt hope in a long time.

Trying not to count days/ weeks left until I go back to work. Suffice to say, it's less than one month. I have less than a month of 24-7 time with my little C. I feel sad about this. But it will be nice to be able to eat lunch at the same time everyday and talk to big people.

We went to the library yesterday and I was taking it all in with her. She quietly stares at the little kids playing and gets wide-eyed and expansive at the trees in the reading garden (which was open yesterday for the first time - lovely).

Must go. I have diapers to retrieve from the dryer, to fold and put away.

Celebration, Connection, Communication

The three of us went to a gathering yesterday put on by our midwifery in honour of Int'l Midwives Day. We found out that our midwife is moving on and opening her own practice several hours away. I wanted her to be our midwife for baby #2 (should there be a baby #2). But now I am thinking it'll be nice to have a new midwife. The new one won't come with the baggage that was C's complicated birth. There is something fresh about that.

At this gathering we met up with an old acquaintance - really not a friend - who is a single queer mama pregnant with baby #2 and due 5(!) days ago. She looked lovely and ready. She's going to be our link to other queer mamas in our city. I've been wanting a little community.

Also, sleep in our house has been sucky - and we've had to step up our communication skills as partners. We are doing better today, but the last few days... oy. Lack of sleep can be hard on relationships - and that is all I am saying for now on this issue.

All Night Party

Two nights in a row C is waking up at 3am ready to play! I was up with her the first night and A was up with her last night. She's up for an hour and a bit. Not hungry. Just wide eyed and talkative.