The World Needs More Queer Mamas

Independence Day

2011-08-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

She will be 4 years old in less than a month.

She has been dressing herself for quite some time. Right down to the choice of outfit. We've had a few days this summer where she came down in long sleeves, long pants, wooly socks, and so forth. Or days like today where things are on backwards - top and bottom! She insists that this was her plan...

and it isn't worth arguing.

Yay for Sunshine

2011-08-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

We leave for our camping trip in like hour and a half. It has been raining all morning. The sun is just now coming out.

Presence

2011-07-30T10:50:00.001-07:00

So Little C starts JK in September when she turns 4. Over night she is drawing pictures that resemble things. Mostly faces. It's amazing to watch. She is seeing faces in things - like in the fronts of cars. That car looks happy Mama - "oooh that car looks sad" and "that car looks angry." This must be a milestone thing/brain development thing. Faces and emotions. Almost 4 year olds are hard work sometimes. Such a mix. One minute she is happy and I love you and the next not so much. She shouted, "I want to be the grown-up!" the other day over something. This gives you an idea.

Baby E is 16 months old. She sings songs and chit-chats and is happy happy happy. She says, "NO!" In fact, she's been saying no often and earlier than her big sister ever did. I guess an example is set. She also has quite a large vocabulary (thanks to the example) and a few 2-word sentences.

Our girls are growing.

C and I walked to the park - she was running ahead of me. And I took a moment to take her in. Her muscles and skin and arms moving and legs striding and hair blowing, her physical-ness. Tears sprang to my eyes. I remembered the tiny helpless baby who had such trouble in the minutes, hours, days following birth. I remembered 4 summers before carrying her in my womb which was at this point 4 summers ago so stretched and full and heavy.

So cliched to wonder where that time went and I know where that time went because I have lived it with a presence that I did not give to my life before.

The week after next we take the girls on their very first camping trip. I am super excited to share camping with them.

If you are reading this, say Hi.

Much love.

One

2011-04-15T19:14:00.001-07:00

I went back to work after 1 year plus several weeks 2 days before the little-est one had her first birthday.

One year. And 10 teeth. Still not a lot of hair. A few words. A sweet laugh. A jolly temperament. Still not sleeping through the night. And yesterday she took her first steps - baby steps, two or three, and that was it.

Work exhausts me.

I do love coming home to my family.

Spring is in the air!

2011-02-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

Could hear the geese honkhonkhonking this morning as they flew in from the south.

10 Months, 2 Challenges, Any Strategies?

2011-01-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

Our littlest one is 10 months old and I predict she will be walking by her first birthday! She is determined. She pulls up. She lets go and balances for a few seconds at a time. And she watches with envy in her eyes as her 3 year old sister runs/ dances/ skips around the room.

The big challenge right now... well, there are two challenges: toys and over zealousness on big sister's part.

Toys. Big sister can share at play group. But at home she will snatch and hoarde toys if necessary. Littlest one screeches when a toy is snatched. Yes, big sister has a few "sacred" toys that no one can touch, but the rest of the toys are fair game.

Over zealousness. Big sister wants to hug/squeeze/touch/be with the littlest one and she does it so roughly. She lunges for the littlest one, or she hugs her until she falls over, or she squeezes her tight until she screeches. Her intent is good. No matter what we say about gentle touch, etc. she is just not picking up what we are laying down most days.

So yeah... this is where we are.

That. And cabin fevered in the middle of the snow belt. Cold weather advisory these past few days. We are stuck in.

She is nearly 9 months.

2010-12-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

E is 8 months, nearly 9 months. Yesterday for the first time she pushed herself up to sitting. She has been mobile for a few weeks - not exactly crawling, but scooting and pulling herself around.

She is pulling up - or trying to. In the past few days she has brought several things down - like a bin of toys - and she's knocked a few things over as well. She looks for me and howls when stuff comes down.

She has 4 teeth. She is smiley and joyful. Still turns her head to one side when she is smiling at someone she likes/loves.

Eating fingers foods more and more - even though the whole food thing is a slow process.

It's as though she has always been a part of our family. And I can and can't remember life before her. And the past 8 1/2 - 9 months have flown by. I have vividly colourful memory snippets here and there, but the days weeks months are a blur.

New Sibling Blues

2010-11-19T20:06:00.000-08:00

We seem to be going through a phase 2 of new sibling rivalry. Baby E smiles at strangers with her 3 teeth and gets a reaction - and C is finding this hard. Baby E is sitting and moving around a bit more too - and this is also hard for C. We are working on it.

Overheard

2010-11-11T11:07:00.001-08:00

C sees E this morning and is overheard saying, "You look much more bigger E, I think you are growing in your sleep."

Friday at the Library

2010-11-06T19:22:00.001-07:00

Early literacy.

"Gay" is not Worthless, Stupid, or Dumb

2010-10-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

Inspired somewhat by this post:
http://aqueerfamilygrowsinredneckville.blogspot.com/2010/10/getting-better-and-wearing-purple.html
I organised a rally (with 2 other friends) this past weekend against homophobic bullying, to support LGBTQ youth, and to honour those who felt suicide was their only option.

In the midst of it all, Baby E became a 7 month old with her very first tooth.

Good Book

2010-10-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Finished Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.

Getting Her Ready for the Snow

2010-10-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

Me: We need to get you some snow pants.
C: And some snow dresses and snow skirts.

I can do it.

2010-09-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying C's helpfulness and independence. These traits are certainly the nice part about having a 3 year old around. She likes doing jobs and favours. She's been finding jobs to do all on her own too - which is sweet.

Half Birthday

2010-09-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

1/2 birthday for Baby E today. I am baffled as to where the time went. I know people say time flies. But really where did the time go?

With C the first six months didn't go this fast. I think because she was the first and I was so anxious and depressed and it was winter - she was born in September. It was just her and I spent a lot of time with her sleeping on me, because I could.

I want to freeze certain moments. And when I start to see in my mind the moments that I want to freeze my heart just breaks because those moments are going going gone. She is not my teeny tiny newborn anymore.

She is so curious and she loves watching her big sister. She laughs out loud many times each day when she sees her sister. She is happy.

Today she was a big teething mess. Sleeping more than usual and fussing lots when awake. Poor biscuit. But no actual teeth yet.

Anyway, Happy 1/2 Birthday dear dear E.

Workers Love Each Other

2010-09-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

A few lots down from our house a house is being built. The construction workers were sitting on the porch together having a coffee break this morning as we were going out. C sees them and says, "Aw the workers love each other Mama look at them eating together." Very cute on a lot of levels.

Little Blue Birds

2010-09-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

Started with this onesie:

Ended up with this:

Actually, 3 of them:

Could you go without TV?

2010-09-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

Starting in one month we will be TV free. I should clarify. There will be a TV in the house and we can watch dvds and whatnot on it. We won't have cable.

Financially, cable TV is expensive for what you actually get. We don't watch it much during the day. After babies are in bed we watch, but there tends to be little on that is worthwhile. We will save at least $85 per month going cable free. That money will automatically go into a savings account designated for vacations.

I am curious to see if I can do this and what actually I will fill my time with.

A full night of sleep.

2010-09-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

I was up so many times in the night with E it wasn't funny. Teeth maybe. Or growth spurt, because she ate like she was starving each time. And some of the wake ups were less than an hour apart.

I accomplished a lot this morning because I felt like if I didn't get going I'd crash. I can't crash when I am taking care of a 3 year old and a 5 1/2 month old. Crashing is not an option.

We were in the library parking lot and a woman told me she had 4 under 5 at one point and that her oldest is 20... and she hasn't had a full night of sleep in 20 years. Made me feel better, not. Hahaha.

Birthday Girl

2010-09-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

C turns 3 today.

I said, "Happy Birthday C!" She replied with, "Happy Birthday, Mama!"

When she said that, I laughed at first and then I remembered her difficult birth and her first few days. 3 years ago today, at this very moment, it was all starting.

Happy birthday, indeed.

Off the Charts

2010-08-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

At E's 4 month appointment the doctor noticed that her head is measuring off the charts. It has been big from the start. She was sent to a spcialist who ordered an ultrasound on her head to check for fluid. Specialist says she looks amazing and isn't worried, but thinks we ought to take advantage of her soft spot, which makes an ultrasound possible. In my gut, I am not worried... I come from a long line of big headed folk. And the donor reports he has a large head. The spcialist measured my head and I am in the 90th percentile, apparently.

Oh yeah and head ultrasound is scheduled for October.

Monsters

2010-08-11T18:54:00.001-07:00

C is less than a month from her 3rd birthday. She moved to a big girl bed last month (yes, we took our time with this transition - considering major new sibling transition she experienced in March). She totally stays in her bed. She seems to like her bed. But... she is now going through a monsters phase. As in, there are monsters in my closet or under my bed or outside my room. She even came up with a strategy for dealing with monsters; apparently if she blows raspberries at them then they go away. She is also sleeping with a small camping flashlight. I am actually finding some of this worrying - I feel for her and it is hard to see her not feel safe in her own space. This is normal (her monster phase), right?

File it under: Her Amazing Imagination.

Happy Pride!

2010-07-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Our friend held this sign. I am too sleep deprived and busy to create signs. But there you go. It was a happy day.

Big Noggin Babe

2010-07-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

E's 4 month well baby appointment. She is 13 lbs 13 oz and 26 ins. Her head is off the charts, apparently, so we are being referred to a specialist. Meeting milestones. Smiling, laughing, cooing, blowing raspberries. Even objected today when her big sister took a toy away from her.

Today is a good day for fairy wings.

2010-07-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

"I should probably wear my fairy wings today," said C when I went in to get her this morning.

She Likes Being Little

2010-06-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

C told me today that she doesn't want to go on the big potty because she is still little and likes being little.

End of story.

Just Getting it Out There Feels like Step 1

2010-06-13T19:06:00.001-07:00

I am having some serious body image issues. I seem to remember this from the first time. I hate this part of the post partum stage. I am hungry - very hungry - most likely from nursing. I crave sugar. I don't have time to make incredibly nutritious stuff - beyond what I make for C, which isn't bad, but for whatever reason doesn't hit the spot. And once I get C in bed and I am on my own with E, I eat. I eat in a way that borders on emotional eating and zoning out type eating. I eat like a very tired person. Then I feel frumpy and slow and even more tired. I get down on myself. This is actually worse than when I had C.

Alternate Use for a Car Seat

2010-06-12T13:39:00.001-07:00

Another thing that has changed since baby#2's arrival: bed time. It used to be a fairly smooth routine. Now it is lengthy and silly. Time wasting and excuses. I just breathe and go with the flow. Most nights I am on my own doing the bed time routine. E sits in her car seat, in C's room, while I chase C, change her, dress her, brush her teeth, read stories, etc. Mostly this works.

Random Recapping of the Last 12 or so Weeks

2010-06-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

We are still here. I post daily over in my LiveJournal - friends locked. Even if it is just a few sentences.

Life with 2 babies seems to be going okay. It has it ups and downs. It is an adjustment. Much like life with one baby was.

Very sleep deprived. Baby E got 7 hours straight of sleep, once. Usually she goes 4 hours.

Nursing is going well. Thankfully. Because it isn't easy. I'd forgotten what newborn nursing is like! And when people tell you it's natural the implication is that it is easy. It isn't easy at first. It isn't hard either, once things get going.

C is adjusting. Mostly it has been good fun watching her become a big sister. The adjusting has been hard. On those hard days she has been known to smack E on the head, pull on her feet/hands, scream when she is sleeping, etc. We stretch to find the balance, giving C extra time and attention. Definitely include her in the day to day. It is getting easier.

E smiles and coos and enjoys tummy time (C hated tummy time at this age). E sucks her thumb (C had a paci).

E is also a colicky baby. No official diagnosis. She just has periods of crying that require a lot of energy on our parts to calm her, and sometimes she can't be calmed. This too shall pass. It seems to be getting better. Almost like 2 days on 3 days off. Although I sometimes think her days overstimulate her - what with a 2 1/2 year old running around (screaming when she finally falls asleep). I am noticing a bit of a pattern.

C is talking up a storm. She is also becoming this helpful little person. Helping with laundry folding and diaper changes, etc.

We also found a weekly playgroup for C to go to. Within walking of our house. Monday mornings. She is making friends and it is fun to watch. This playgroup ends in a week for the summer and starts back up in September.

C has no interest in potty learning. We aren't pushing anything. Though we have a little potty sitting in the bathroom. We also bought underpants lined with hemp velour. We are not sure whether to just start the whole process or let her go for it when she is ready. I mean we have told her what the potty is for, what the pants are for, etc. so she knows. She just doesn't care.

C is also excited about Nanny and Grandad's visit (from England) starting next Wednesday for 3 weeks. She saw them last summer. She talks to them on the phone. She is happy they are coming. We are happy too.

My mom came out to help in the early post-partum days. We made some good memories. I loved having her here. She is good people.

Sometimes I am in survival mode. Like when I am on my own (as I am most evenings when partner A goes to work). Survival mode sometimes mean more TV than I'd like, or spontaneous trips to the park (Quick! she is asleep and her belly is full! let's go!), dinner later than (and sometimes earlier than) normal, laundry piling up and dishes undone, C left to make a mess at the table while I (10 steps away) sit nursing E, picking my battles with C and not sweating the small stuff, etc. Sometimes I feel momma-guilt about the survival mode and most of the time I just tell myself that it is what it is - and everyone is safe and loved.

11pm last night, I was starving. I walk around the kitchen. I look over at the dinner table and see my dinner plate. Untouched. E was crying at dinner. C ate while I bounced E. And I never went back for dinner. Hahaha! This gives you an idea.

Now, if you read this far - thanks. If you still check in with this blog, say "Hi." Let me know you are out there. Cheers.

Happy Earth Day

2010-04-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

In honour of Earth Day baby E is now fitting into her cloth diapers. She is also officially one month old. I have a post swirling in my head about her birth and her first month. She is stirring at the moment so I think I will stop and let the post swirl some more.

She is here!

2010-03-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

E. E. is here! 03/22/2010. Gorgeous and lovely. 8lbs, 4 oz, 20 inches long. Transverse to delivery. C-section. Big sister C is over the moon thrilled. Her hardest time was the days we were in hospital. She is happy now everyone is home. Story to follow.

Thanks.

2010-03-18T17:51:00.001-07:00

Thanks for the supportive comments around the potential c-section issue.

No Judgement

2010-03-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

If I end up having a c-section, I want no judgement.

I want to know that I tried. I did my research. I assembled my pro-VBAC support team.

I don't want to be so post-partumly sad and disappointed because of the birth like I was with C. It isn't worth it to me. I want to enjoy those early days with baby as best I can.

I want to be proud that I made a choice that worked for me, my body, my family, my baby.

I have no idea what is going to happen... or when, at this point.

I do know that baby will be here soon.

Why is it that for some women this is no big deal and other women will beat themselves up over this?

All about today and a VBAC that might not be.

2010-03-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

C saw the cardiologist today. Doctor thought she heard a heart murmur and her 2 year check-uo and referred her. Cardiologist heard/saw nothing but a healthy heart. She had an ultrasound (which was cool) and then declared, "I have a baby in my belly wike you mama."

Then I saw the midwife who palpated my uterus and declared her hunch that the baby is once again breech.

Finally the ultrasound ordered by the OB to check size of baby. Baby is big. Baby is breech, actually transverse, once again. I am 38-ish weeks... the VBAC idea is not looking to good at this point.

But... if I do elect to have a c-section it will be so very different from the c-section I had to have, emergency style, with C. So I wrap my head around it all at the moment and feel pretty calm.

20 Days

2010-03-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

OMG 20 days according to my ticker over there.

Midwives yesterday. All is well. GBS negative. BP good. Baby's heart rate 145 bpm.

Two and a Half Years

2010-03-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

C is exactly 2 1/2 years old today.

To VBAC or Not to VBAC

2010-03-05T10:49:00.000-08:00

Doula e-mailed me to find out how OB consult went.

Told her I am ranging from "F*** yeah I will have a VBAC" to "Holy S*** just schedule the f***ing c-section."

She suggested we meet to discuss/review/revise the birth plan.

I don't want to be talked into or out of any choice I might have around this.

I told her I am going to sit with my options for now. So, no, to meeting. For now.

In other news, Partner A is off all weekend and gets home from work in a few hours. Little C is having quiet time - like a nap but without the sleep (although sometimes she will sleep). I am going to have a quick little nap now. The sunshine is amazing today.

OB Consult Part 2

2010-03-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

OB consult today.

I am at a point where I am willing to schedule a c-section for my due date.

The baby is big. We know this. Because I went into this pregnancy hoping for VBAC I am being assessed accordingly. OB is not opposed to VBAC. But does have concerns around baby's size and a successful VBAC. He will see me again in 2 weeks, by which time I will have had another growth ultrasound.

I have not been transfered to his care. I am still under the care of the midwifery. Let me say, here and now, the hospital/OB setting is so very different compared to the midwifery experience. Let me say, here and now, I prefer the midwifery model.

In the hospital today I was nothing more than a body. I was asked about my level of education, my marital status, whether I was taking a prenatal class, etc. Does any of this matter. Also, the nurse (not the OB) commented on my weight - how much I've gained. Midwife has never said anything about my weight. I felt as though everyone believed I had no freakin' clue about my body. It was weird. But whatever... I will hug my midwife when I see her next, hahaa.

So yeah that said I'm all like let's just schedule the c-section.

OB Consult

2010-03-03T16:59:00.000-08:00

My midwife wants me to consult with an OB regarding the big baby situation. So tomorrow I have an appointment with an OB. Not sure what to expect. I'm worried that either I am going to find out something is up with the baby health-wise (though my midwife would have told me if this were the case) or that the OB is going to be like: "I must c-section the baby out."

If I have to have another c-section, fine. I mean, I know what it's like - been there, done that. Recovery was rough. Still hurt after 12 weeks from time to time. Even though the incision healed nicely, I had issues. Not a fan of the pain medication, but found it necessary to take in the early days because I was so sore. And now I am imagining recovery from a c-section with a 2 1/2 year old and the various sets of stairs in our house.

I am a good VBAC candidate - so I have been told. And I'd like the opportunity to attempt a VBAC. My midwife and doula are on board and believe it is a possibility.

For me, a big baby is not a reason to have a c-section. This is just me, other people might feel other wise and I am way cool with that.

But what I have learned in the last few years is that ultimately giving birth is pretty unpredictable. It is best to be prepared for whatever happens. So who knows - only time will tell.

I'll post something following the OB consult. Cheers.

Comfort Measures

2010-02-28T00:32:00.000-08:00

My ticker says 30 more days!

We went to see the doula again yesterday. This time to learn about 'comfort measures,' all the things that may help me feel more comfortable in labour. I really feel like I learned something. I left with a birth ball and a special aromatherapy mix to start using in early labour.

I go from being calm about the whole prospect of labour to nervousness. I remember the first time and I can't get my head around the notion that it can and probably will be different.

Anyway, I like the doula. She seems like she knows a lot and she just has a calming way about her.

Flakey Doula vs. New Doula

2010-02-21T03:03:00.001-08:00

We have a new doula. The original doula had an impossible schedule and wouldn't call when she said she would. I met her through our midwifery. She basically couldn't make it to the birth if it took place the weekend after my due date. But I got the impression she didn't know how to just say no to us. Even after she said she couldn't make it, and was having a hard time finding a back-up doula who could, she said, "I'll call you [insert whatever day/time here] and we will meet anyway and start going over your birth plan." Okay, fine. But she never called.

Then one Saturday afternoon, I received an e-mail from this local shop that sells crunchy mama and baby stuff about their grand opening for their new location. I went. They have doulas on staff. Doulas were there at the grand opening. I started talking with one. Found out that my due date, 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after, were open for her. Found out that she was okay with 2 mama families. Made a date for A and I to meet with her the next Saturday (which was yesterday).

And now we have a doula. I could do a whole post on our first meeting, and I will.

Birth Stories

2010-02-16T17:21:00.000-08:00

I read peoples' birth stories. I am amazed sometimes. So many of the times. And I wonder if I have the strength to go through that. First baby was a c-section. I did go into labour. Made it to 3cm before the water broke and we saw meconium and had to get her out. Those first 3 centimetres were not easy. This baby is head down. Midwife has been saying all along I am a good candidate for VBAC. But I wonder - can I do it? Can I do it?

Here is what I know so far...

2010-02-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

Baby is head down.

Baby is head down.

This is all I know really. That and the baby is measuring big - how big, not sure, tech couldn't say.

But the head down thing is a relief. So I am going to hang with that for awhile.

Will keep you posted:

2010-02-12T14:58:00.001-08:00

My hospital ultrasound to check out all this large head business is on Tuesday at 9:40am.

Here is the scoop.

2010-02-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

The midwife called today with the results from the ultrasound last week. Yes, baby is big. In fact, 3 weeks ahead. Baby's head is like 5 or so weeks ahead. She is sending me to a hospital ultrasound - apparently more accurate, etc.

Just so you know, I am at that point in the pregnancy where I want to see/meet the baby so that I know everything is okay, you know? So to get this piece of news is just nerve wracking.

Midwife said, "We tend to be more concerned when the baby is measuring smaller - head especially." I asked if this could indicate a bigger issue. She said, "If it did indicate a bigger issue we probably would have seen other markers up to this point on previous ultrasounds." Her belief is that baby simply has a big head. She also felt less concerned because baby is measuring big overall... would be more concerned if body was measuring behind, but it isn't.

I talked to my mama. She said not to worry. She pointed out that she gave birth to 3 big headed babies. It's true. I have a big head. She said, "That's just how we are..."

In other news, baby has been moving a lot lately... and I believe is no longer transverse (head to one side, feet to the other). Now I believe the head is below my ribs and feet are standing on my bladder. So, breech. I do feel good though that baby is still moving - there is still room.

Midwife recently delievered a breech baby at home and would do it again... she has found an OB who will do a version as well - some won't do them on women with previous c-sections.

Tomorrow we are taking C to the pool. It'll be nice to get in the water for a bit.

33 Weeks

2010-02-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

Saw the midwife today.

She won't move the due date. We know when conception took place. Size isn't a reason to move the due date.

Today baby is not transverse. Head is up top, feet down low.

I am measuring 39 weeks.

Gained no weight since last appointment.

A wee bit dehydrated. But water turns my stomach. Must find something else to drink.

I go back on the 22nd of February. I meet midwife #2.

Transverse Lie

2010-02-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

Baby is in a transverse lie position according to ultrasound today. Head on my right below my ribs and feet to the left near my hip bone. Because of baby's size, ultrasound tech suggested that the due date be moved to the 4th of March instead of the 30th of March. Can you do that when you know when conception took place. Many babies move in the last weeks. Now I am wondering if due to size this baby can't move. I will talk with my midwife on Monday.

Saw the Midwife Today

2010-01-27T16:37:00.001-08:00

Okay so baby is most likely not head down and possibly in a breech position. i have an ultrasound scheduled for the 5th to confirm. I am only 31 weeks and a day. It is possible - in fact, highly probable - that the baby will turn.

Also midwife wanted to talk birth plan today - and we did, a bit. But honestly I had a hardcore birth plan with C and none of it happened. So I am reluctant to plan.

I have a doula - 2 doulas actually. Only one will attend the birth but they work like a back up team - if one is not available the day of the birth then the other one comes. Both meet with us leading up to the birth. Doula #1 is very experienced and has worked with couples who had a difficult birth prior. Doula #2 is experienced as well and is in women's studies at the University and has a queer sister who gave birth 2 weeks ago.

Okay so back to the breech thing: of course my mind has already gone to the land of possible c-sections. I'd like to avoid another c-section. And up to this point I was considered a good VBAC candidate (and I suppose I still am).

The other thing that is stressing me out: I was g00gling and found out that some breech babies have neurological problems, hip dysplasia, down syndrome, etc.

Other notes from today's appointment:

My BP is good
Baby's heart rate = 146 bpm
I've lost track of how much weight I've gained
And I think that is all

Broccoli Kick

2010-01-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

C is on a major broccoli kick right now.

And I am feeling pretty good for almost 31 weeks pregnant.

Kick Count

2010-01-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today I felt significantly less movement. Even had orange juice and did a kick count on my prep. Counted no kicks. Called the midwifery. Went in after work. Found the heartbeat. Many kicks since. Way less worried. Baby is just getting bigger, running out of room. I am glad they could see me right away though. And happy that the baby is moving around lots now.

I am 30 weeks today.

29 Week Update

2010-01-12T04:01:00.000-08:00

Um, 29 weeks pregnant today. When did that happen?

Found out last week that my iron is low, so I am supplementing. I had to do this when I was pregnant with C. So I kind of expected it.

I don't know about the GD. When the midwife called she said that she didn't have the test in front of her and that she probably filed it, and if that was the case then it came back negative for GD. But that she'd call if she's wrong. I am assuming - since I haven't heard from her - that the sugar thing is all good.

Still measuring a few weeks ahead.

Don't know the gender. C who up to this point when asked, "Is the baby a boy or a girl?" Would repeat "boy or a girl" or say the last gender mentioned, "girl," announced yesterday that the baby is a boy. "What should we name him?" "Buddha," she says. Hhhhmmm.

I do it by myself.

2010-01-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

Tough morning. C is feeling independent these days. I opened the lid on her yogurt and she cried because she wanted to do it her self. Everytime she looked at the yogurt she cried and yelled about wanting to "do it by myself, Mama!" I tried to get the yogurt out of her line of sight, but that wasn't okay either. For awhile she didn't want to eat it - or anything else. There were a few other instances of this today. It can be unpredictable. It breaks my heart too. I find if I give her chances to help out with anything and everything she is happier.

GD/ Notes/ My Momma/ Happy 2010

2009-12-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

Up at 7am to drink the nasty glucose drink for my GD test. Now I am exhausted. C will be "napping" soon and so will I.

Notes from Tuesday's appointment with the midwife:
-Measuring 32.5 weeks; have been measuring big from the start - might be because this is pregnancy #2, could be the fibroid
-Heart rate 135
-Blood pressure 120/60
-Baby is most likely head down
-pinched nerve feeling might go away with prenatal massage (um who has time for that?!), a tennis ball, getting into a pool and floating around, a warm bath, getting off my feet/ putting my feet up, time
-I now have the paperwork to pre-register at the hospital
-I now have a few leads on some good doulas

In other news, my mom is sick. She has cancer and a compromised immune system, went in for chemo yesterday and they pretty much sent her home. Her platelets have dropped - her system is fighting something. And her blood pressure is through the roof. She is also in intense pain. We can't go see her on NYD like planned. She has to stay in bed and she can't be around people. I am worried about her. And so sad that she is going through all of this.

Partner A is cheffing in the new year - so C and I are on our own.

Happy 2010 to you all!

27 Weeks Today

2009-12-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

I see the midwife this afternoon for a regular check up.

I have a pinched nerve feeling in my lower back and it is actually making it hard for me to move around. Interested in some safe ways to relieve this pain. Will talk to the midwife today about it.

GD test on the 31st.

Stitched up some flannel baby wipes last night. 15 total.

That's all for now.

To Doula or Not to Doula

2009-12-27T07:12:00.000-08:00

What are the benefits of a doula? Why hire a doula?

100 Days to Go

2009-12-20T05:02:00.000-08:00

100!

I am feeling pretty good these days. Apart from the anxiety I feel over the prospect of giving birth again.

Because I am off work for the next 2 weeks I have a boost of energy to get some stuff done around the house. So I feel like I am nesting.

Also have a headache - have had it since yesterday. Can't tell if it is a tension headache or I am getting sick. My nose has been runny and I am slightly congested - but this is normal for me at this stage of the pregnancy. So we shall see.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Kicking

2009-11-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

I have a little baby moving around and kicking in my belly. And when I am no longer pregnant I will miss the feeling because it truly is the best feeling ever. I am so grateful.

Fever, Iron, Anxiety

2009-11-21T17:02:00.001-08:00

So the vax fever lasted less than 8 hours. We do have to go back for shot #2 for C in about 3 weeks.

I am feeling better about the whole H1N1 vax thing.

I am also feeling like I am low on iron. This happened last pregnancy and I ended up taking supplements. I see the midwife again this week. I plan to ask for a blood test to check my iron.

My appetite is still kind of crummy some days. Nothing really appeals to me. Except junk. Which wasn't how it was last pregnancy - by now in my last pregnancy I was constantly hungry and had some regular cravings. I wasn't interested in junk at all.

I have two appointments with a social worker from my work's eap programme. I am dealing with anxiety. Actually I have dealt with a lot of anxiety and my sleep has improved as has my overall outlook. I should post - sometime soon - about my anxiety and whatnot.

That's all.

Vax Update

2009-11-19T12:38:00.000-08:00

C has a low fever right now and has been sleeping (which is rare). I'm thinking it's the vax. Not worried. Yet. She's hardly ever been sick. A fever means her body is producing the antibodies.

We Did It!

2009-11-19T04:01:00.001-08:00

Well we all got the H1N1 vax. Wasn't sure about it for the longest time. But I teach. And many of my students have been out sick with it. A 2 month old baby died in our city because of it. So we did it. C was fine - didn't even cry. We will see how she is today. Partner A is fine. I'm fine. Definitely not a fan of this kind of stuff when I am a pregnant lady. But... baby#2 will be here in the Spring and maybe H1N1 will be still here then - I want to pass the antibodies on through my breastmilk. So there you go. We did it. Anyone else agonise over the decision?

Boy Parts

2009-11-13T17:15:00.000-08:00

So we had the big 20 week ultrasound today. The tech can't say much and didn't. When I asked about gender she said she could only give that info to my midwife. Then later said she couldn't identify gender. But A swears she saw boy parts. I was relaxed but I want to know that everything is okay and baby is healthy. I mean from what I could see all looked well. Baby kicking and jabbing, heart beating, etc. But I am not an ultrasound tech. We won't have the results until next week.

Day 117

2009-11-01T11:37:00.001-08:00

Day 117: If you are having a girl, all of her egg cells are in her ovaries.

Think about that. The egg that made my baby girl was in me when I was in my mom. The egg that made me was in my mom when she was in my grandma. I never had the chance to meet my mom's bio-mom... but we are connected... through eggs. Kind of cool. Kind of matrilineal. Funny how we live in a patriarchy but science and Mother Nature suggest otherwise.

Boom boom boom

2009-10-27T17:32:00.001-07:00

Nothing like hearing the heartbeat (160bpm!) to make everything all right.

Back in PPD-Land

2009-10-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

I saw my midwife a month ago - I see her next week. She talked briefly about how pregnancy #2 could trigger unresolved stuff around the labour/delivery in #1. I am so not articulate tonight. But basically a door has been opened, so to speak. I am anxious about going through labour. I am scared of C-section #2 and NICU and all the other stuff that happened when C was born. The midwife said that a lot of women work through it/ heal/ etc. only to find that things come up at the simple prospect of having to birth another baby. And that if those things stay unresolved then they come with them to the delivery and stop them from being present. I was telling my mom this and she said, "yes yes yes, the midwife is right on." I am even afraid of more PPD. So much so that I feel like I am feeling it all over again. One of the reasons I have been so missing in action w/blogging is because this is hard shit to talk about. And that guilt/shame I felt when I was in PPD-land is back, making me all quiet. I haven't been sleeping well either. I feel like I am ready to start dealing, I just don't know where/how to start. I suppose writing it here is step 1.

* * * * *

In other news, I believe I am feeling the baby kick these days. What is funny/odd is that I remember the full hard kicks of later in pregnancy not these little fluttery things. So I keep mistaking it for gas or something, and then I go, wait that isn't gas that's the wee bub.

We Day and Thanksgiving

2009-10-12T17:47:00.000-07:00

I watched the We Day stuff yesterday and just felt so proud of this generation that is coming up right now. I loved seeing the Dalai Lama speak as well. I found myself filled with joy. 30,000 kids! I mean, wow.

Thanksgiving today. We had the turkey and the stuffing and the cranberries and the pumpkin pie. I am feeling full. And then had a bout of my usual evening nausea.

I am thankful for so much. I am especially thankful for the wee one taking up space in my womb and hopefully growing healthy and strong.

Almost 15 Weeks

2009-10-05T18:07:00.001-07:00

Time is just ticking along.

The First Trimester Ends When...?

2009-09-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am 14 weeks today. Does that mean I am through the first trimester? Or is that next week...? Or was it last week...?

I know I need to eat.

2009-09-28T18:06:00.001-07:00

I'm hungry. But I have no appetite. And I am slightly nauseous.

Went away with this weekend. Met up with some internet friends and their daughter - who is 2 months older than C. Had lots of fun. Just enjoyed the time away. Easy easy weekend. Apart from the 7 or so hour drive there and back.

Alive and Kicking

2009-09-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

There is a live baby in there. 13 weeks 1 day. Heart beating. Fantastic little legs kicking. Everything looked good. I am going to sleep tonight. Thank you all for the supportive comments.

More Later

2009-09-23T03:38:00.000-07:00

I've hardly slept. I go for the ultrasound this morning - 8:45. I have to go into work to drop lesson plans off. I also have to go back to work in the afternoon for a meeting and to teach my period 4 seniors. I am hoping for good news. Of course, the tech probably won't be able to tell me anything, so I'll have to wait for the midwife to call.

I am so thankful to have positive messages from you all in my e-mail box this a.m. It means a lot. And I am hoping that Hanen is right - that it is just too early to hear.

More later.

Good news later.

The Latest

2009-09-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

I am 13 weeks today. The heartbeat could not be found with the doppler. I go in tomorrow morning for an ultrasound. Of course I am freaking out.

Just Be

2009-09-21T04:02:00.001-07:00

So I finally put up a pregnancy ticker. I have been so cautious the last few months and I still have a hard time believing that it worked on the 2nd cycle/1st IUI. Even though there is a ticker I still have a hard time believing. I know a lot can happen in 40 weeks of pregnancy. It took 3 years to make baby #1. And I have a hard time believing that I could be so lucky. At the same time I've started to realise that while I am enjoying this pregnancy, I'm kind of not because I am waiting for the shoe to drop (or whatever that saying is). I really want to let that feeling go. I want to give in and just be pregnant. Because for now I am.

The loving just gets sweeter and sweeter.

2009-09-19T17:14:00.001-07:00

Thank you wise women who commented on my last post. Ultimately what I am learning is that it is not good to compare. It is not a competition. It is what it is.

In other news, some kind friends came by and helped us get the last several boxes out of storage. Now all we have to do is unpack unpack unpack. Moving is hard work.

Also we had our 4 year wedding anniversary yesterday. Legally married for 4 years - go us. Together for a total of 12, 10 of those years in Canada. Crazy to think about. What a journey. We have changed so much individually and as a couple in those 12 years. We get closer and closer. The loving just gets sweeter and sweeter.

Now I have to go do some dishes - we are having dishawasher issues - and once my dishes are done I can veg out in front of the TV for a bit, yay!

Happy weekend everyone!

She is doing it better than me on so many levels.

2009-09-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

My co-worker is pregnant. Like 2 weeks ahead of me. Her first baby. She is a decade younger than me. Went off the pill and bam! got pregnant. So this evening was Meet the Teacher night. It is a BBQ type event in our school's courtyard. Very lovely. They were serving hot dogs and I was starving and dealing with my normal evening sickness. I walked up to her with the hot dog and she kept repeating "no no no" over and over. I said, "What? You are not having a hot dog?" She nods. "Because of the nitrates?" I ask. She nods again. I kind of knew it when she started saying "no no no." I feel all guilty now. I don't make it a habit to eat stuff with nitrates (even when I am not pregnant) or any of the other forbidden pregnancy foods. I am about to google to see about nitrates in pregnancy. I know they're bad. Now I am all worried. And I hate feeling judged. And I hate the I'm doing pregnancy better than you feeling (that I sometimes feel anyway around people who conceive naturally without drugs and donor sperm - like somehow I am less-than). Normally I am confident and chill and generally proud of the way my family has come to be. But sometimes. This evening. I hate admitting it. If you know what I am talking about take a minute to let me know that I am not alone.

I am at that point.

2009-09-16T04:02:00.000-07:00

I am at that point where I need a bit of proof once again. I need to hear a heart beat, I need to see an ultrasound image, something. Pregnancy, at this point, is sometimes abstract. Yes I am still dealing with daily nausea and fatigue and weight gain and so on. But I have an active imagination as to what is going on in there or what has happened or might happened. I see the midwife next Tuesday - I am so eager to get that ball rolling. I need proof.

Hot Water

2009-09-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

A took C to the fancy city pool today in the community centre behind our neighbourhood. They were in the pool for almost an hour. Apparently it was warm. The woman at the welcome desk told A that the pool is "hot" so when C got in the water she said it was "hot" and started blowing on the water to cool it down. Haha. So yeah they were there for almost an hour and C loved it. We've taken her to pools before and mostly she can't wait to get out, but not today. And it is all she's talked about this evening.

I love my mom/ uh huh/ my mom is cool...

2009-09-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

My parents came over today for a little birthday cake for C's birthday. They live in the States about 2 1/2 hours away. I wish we could see them more often. My mom is going through chemotherapy and really kicking cancer's butt. It is great to see how good she is looking. She says she is feeling pretty good too. Some days are better than others.

When they come out to visit - or we go visit them - I am just reminded of how far apart we are physically. Both of us, myself and A, have no family here in Canada. And it is hard sometimes. I am envious sometimes of women who have their moms so close by. Especially after C was born. I just wanted my mom around. My parents are day trip people - they don't come and stay - and sometimes I wish they would come and stay.

After C was born A felt similarly - she wanted her mom around too. I wonder what that is... new motherhood and that wanting mom feeling. Oh well.

Anyway this is me tonight. Also feeling a bit nauseous and have no appetite.

11 weeks 1 day

2009-09-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

I went back to work this week. I've spent the last few weeks packing and moving and not really trying on my clothes. It turns out that while I am not showing, I am getting thicker... to the point where getting dressed in the morning is ridiculous. I need to go shopping this weekend. Some of my clothes are quite uncomfortable as the day goes on. I keep going for the stretchy pullover type stuff and so I feel kind of under dressed for my job. Plus it is so hot in the building still that I have to go with the shorter sleeved type stuff - it'd be nice if I could just wear a cardie over a t-shirt and kind of hide what is going on in my hips/bum region. But layering is out of the question - today was 29 degrees... I'm on the second floor and there is no a/c. Anyway, it sounds like I am complaining, I'm not. I wouldn't trade this for anything. And people don't notice it like I notice it. You know?

So yeah, 11 weeks and 1 day... I see the midwife in less than 2 weeks. I am very eager to get that ball rolling. Still not convinced that I am pregnant some days and would like to see/hear what is going on in there, you know? The nausea and heartburn and hunger is not convincing enough. hahaha!

Two!

2009-09-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

My little baby C turned 2 today. We ask her, "how old are you?" And she answers, "two!"

Two years ago today... wow!

Sunflowers in September

2009-09-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

The community garden near our new house is full of sunflowers. C and I took a walk there the other afternoon.

Update

2009-09-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

I now have a midwife - Marie - and I meet with her on 9/22.

Here we are!

2009-08-30T17:23:00.000-07:00

We are moved out and moved in. Boxes everywhere. C is adjusting well. She kind of hugged the wall yesterday and said, "New house," with a sigh. She's cute. Partner A did so much to make the move happen this weekend. We also had some friends come by and help. I am tired. Feeling a wee bit sick. Drinking a big glass of yummy milk. All is well.

On the Move

2009-08-27T11:42:00.001-07:00

In a few minutes I will have no internet access until Saturday/ Sunday. We are moving.

9 Weeks Today

2009-08-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am 9 weeks today.

Physically: Plenty of nausea starting at about mid-day; appetite not great; exhausted with insomnia.

Emotionally: In the last week I have had tears over commercials on TV, a local Harley Owner's Group raising funds for the children's hospital(!), a kid who saved some puppies on El.len. Also anxious about moving this weekend and going back to work next week.

What else is going on? I am on a waiting list for a midwife at the midwifery we used for C. I am pretty sure C is teething.

How my life has changed.

2009-08-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

Little C is napping today! Yay!

And I am power lesson planning right now. It is amazing how much I have gotten done in 1.5 hours. Back in the day, before baby, I would spend days planning what I've been able to plan today. I know that I have to take advantage of the time I have. Take advantage I am.

Can I get an amen?

2009-08-18T12:21:00.001-07:00

I don't know if I can articulate this accurately... but it is true that all the mental shit that goes along with ttc does not go away once pregnancy is achieved.

Insomnia is such a lonely word.

2009-08-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Universe, a full night of sleep please. Thanks, Universe. Love, Me.

The thing that is bugging me the most lately is the fact that I am suffering from insomnia. Which is unusual in the 1st trimester... am I right? I am soooo exhausted, but cannot get my brain to shut off so that I can sleep. At 3am I am thinking about our move on the 28th - we are moving to a new house - I am thinking about the various little things that need to be done before then. I am making lists in my head. I am also thinking about work stuff: lesson plans (I write them in my head at 4am) and meetings and ordering supplies (more list making), etc. (I go back to work on the 2nd). At this point I am over-tired and this is why I can't seem to shut off my brain. That and it is hard to take a moment to think of this stuff during the day when I have an active little toddler underfoot (who pretty much no longer naps). Oh well.

In other news, active little toddler called me by my first name in the store the other day. I was totally caught off guard and had to laugh, before I corrected her.

Oh yeah and I went to my family dotor today to get a bloodwork requisition for my thyroid. I have hypothyroidism and in my last pregnancy my thyroid went wacky and we didn't really discover it until the 3rd trimester. This pregnancy I am determined to stay on top of it.

That's all for now.

Little Bean

2009-08-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

There is a little bean measuring 7 weeks 6 days with a heartbeat and everything all where it needs to be.

40 Days

2009-08-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow - less than 24 hours away - we go for our 40 day ultrasound. This will make things a bit less abstract I am sure. More tomorrow.

2009-08-12T17:48:00.001-07:00

Feeling a bit better.

It is what it is/ It will be what it will be

2009-08-11T05:27:00.000-07:00

In kind of a worried/nagative space. This is all too abstract at the moment and surreal and I am still shocked. I can hardly say what I am feeling out of fear. That is all for now.

Tent

2009-08-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

We made a tent today. We tied a sheet to wall shelves on either side of our bed. Our bed happens to be a mattress on the floor, at the moment, so it is low. C loved it. She would leave and come back with various toys. She'd bounce around singing songs. She'd lay back and say "tent" in a happy voice. It was the thing she talked about as she fell asleep tonight.

Easy Saturday

2009-08-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

Little C is 23 months old today. She will be 2 in a month. 2 !

It is amazing how her vocabulary exploded in England... and how she is stringing together all kinds of words into phrases and sentences. She is a smarty pants, that one.

It rained pretty much all day here. We had the windows open and enjoyed the sound. C played with nearly every toy and read many books and coloured and climbed all over me. It was an easy day.

All is well.

Picnic at the Park

2009-08-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

Little C is napping right now! She naps maybe once per week lately. She is growing out of the nap. It is delightful when she naps. I have been able to get some things done.

We went to the park today. On the way we stopped at the local bakery/deli type place and bought fruit and little veggie pizzas. I told C that we were going to have a picnic in the park. We sat on our big rainbow blanket in the shade (oh it was lovely). We ate, we played, we ate some more.

She jumped up and down on the sidewalk by our blanket shouting "Pin-Nik! Pin-Nik!" She'd play for a bit and then she'd look over to our blanket and say, "Pin-Nik." And when we left the park and she was all tucked into our little red wagon she said in the saddest little voice, "Pin-Nik."

I have a feeling that this whole picnic thing made her open to the possibility of an afternoon nap.

So there you go.

Traveling with a Toddler

2009-08-04T05:01:00.001-07:00

C did fairly well on the plane to England. 8 hour flight. It was an overnight flight and it took off at her bedtime. We bought a seat for her so we had a row of 3. We lifted the arm rests and she slept between us. She slept 4 hours total. Not exactly a full night. But she didn't cry or fuss. She was just overstimulated checking everything out.

We were over London kind of circling in the air because our flight was delayed and we had to queue in the sky before we could land. She threw up at this point. And again as we were stepping off the plane. I was covered. Passport Control and Customs took pity and ushered us through quickly. We changed once we got to baggage and all was well in the world. Poor little biscuit.

We had a 3 hour car ride to Seaton (Partner A's hometown). Little C slept.

More later, she is awake for the day!

Trust

2009-08-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

This is the part where pregnancy seems so abstract.

In the afternoons/evenings I feel some nausea - as far as symptoms go that is about it.

I get worried when the nausea is less than it was yesterday. You would think that after 1 successful pregnancy I would have forgotten the miscarriage. But I haven't forgotten it. It seems to be my default in these early stages. I pay attention to this twinge or that twinge. Every time I wipe, I look. This morning I didn't wake up hungry like I have the past few days and suddenly that was a sign!

We go in on the 14th to see the heartbeat and that the bean is where it should be.

The clinic didn't order a second beta because the first one is "good." They didn't order a second one when I was pregnant with C. They did however when I miscarried - and that beta doubled like it should have. Oh well. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.

Today is CD 26.

2009-07-31T06:28:00.000-07:00

Positive.

Day 14 pee test said yes.

I am shocked. Stunned. Speechless.

Today the clinic will call with actual beta results.

More later.

Update: Day 25 Beta is 13,859. High? Low? Just right?

My Whereabouts.

2009-07-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

We leave tomorrow for England. We will be back on the 29th. My 2ww ends this Sunday. I will test in England. I do have a beta scheduled with the clinic for the 30th (if I need one). I most likely won't be around a computer too often when I am in England- so you may not hear anything regarding my 2ww until after we are back.

Just the other day I was zen.

2009-07-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

Partner A is on a double today. I am frazzled and packing and doing last minute stuff for our trip to England.

My secret shame of the day: it is only 8dpo and I poas. Negative, of course. Way too early. But why did I poas fully knowing 8dpo is too early? (This tells you how anxious and impatient I am). And just the other day I was so zen.

Little C can officially climb out of her crib... and has and fell and what a horrible sound that was. She's okay... and was giggling just moments later. I, on the other hand, not giggling. My heart was in my throat.

Let me tell you about last night.

2009-07-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about last night. Last night we had friends over. 2 friends. We had birthday cake for one of the friends which was more like a mango mousse with a angel food cake base. Yum. We also had a rosemary orange chicken wings - home made as Partner A is a chef in real life. We had a balsamic reduction drizzled over fresh tomatoes and avocados, along with a white bean salad and quinoa. The food was amazing.

The conversation was amazing too. Little C was happily in bed by 8pm. Then the 4 of us sat and talked about life and the universe and religion and spirituality and childhood stuff and work and so on and so on. It was the kind of conversation I crave. The kind of conversation that happens best after a fresh meal and birthday cake and some drinks (though no one had alcohol).

We went to bed at midnight. Little C was up at 4am completely wet through her diaper. She has mad language skills so instead of screaming and crying she just called out to me and told me she was wet. "Mama wet! Diaper, mama, wet! Jammies, mama, wet! Bed, mama, wet!" She was hard to settle after that though because all that changing kind of woke her up more. She ended up sleeping 'til 9am(!) this morning. So all is well in the world.

We are packing today for our trip to England.

Now, with regard to my 2ww, um, I am feeling less than positive. I have been pretty calm and almost positive but now not so much. I don't really want to write much more about what I am feeling. It is enough to say, not so positive. And I hate this part of the 2ww - when the doubt creeps in... and the progesterone tabs build up and mess with my mind. Blah. So, if you have some supportive words it would mean a lot to hear (read) them today.